Call the Cops/transcript — spongebob

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Call the Cops" from season 11, which aired on September 27, 2018.

[The episode begins at the Krusty Krab.]
Mr. Krabs: Stop, thief! Come back here with me formula!
[SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are chasing Plankton with the secret formula all over the restaurant.]
Mr. Krabs: He's over there! Stop him!
Plankton: [laughs] I can't help it. I'm a kleptomaniac!
[Mr. Krabs nearly catches him, but Plankton dodges him. Plankton keeps running away with the formula until he bumps into someone.]
Plankton: [laughs] Ow!
[Plankton pulls himself off, accidentally losing his eyeball and teeth. He puts his eyeball back in his face, looks up and sees a female police officer.]
Police Officer: You're under arrest!
Plankton: [puts his teeth back in his mouth] But I'm innocent!
Police Officer: No one is innocent! [cuffs up Plankton]
Plankton: Whoa. Things got dark fast.
Mr. Krabs: [giggles] ♪You're going to jail! You're going to jail!♪ Join in the dancing, boy, or you're fired. [SpongeBob joins in the dancing] ♪You're going to jail! You're going to jail! You're going to jail! You're going to jail!♪ [pokes Plankton]
Police Officer: Step back, buddy! Let the law handle this. [whacks Mr. Krabs' head with her club, inadvertently causing him to drop the secret formula]
Mr. Krabs: [dizzy] Yes, officer.
Police Officer: [takes the formula before Plankton can get it] And I'll be taking this!
Mr. Krabs: Wait! That's me secret formula!
Police Officer: [whacks Mr. Krabs' head with her club again] Well, now it's evidence. [picks up Plankton as he tries to get the formula] Oh.
Plankton: [gets whacked in the head by the officer] Ow!
[The police officer leaves the restaurant with Plankton and the secret formula.]
SpongeBob: But the formula! I can't cook without that formula! [hyperventilates] I can't don't anything without it! The Krabby Patties are gonna taste like ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chum!
[The customers grumble and leave the restaurant.]
Mr. Krabs: Wait! Don't go! We still have fresh buns. And we have air conditioning. Ohh... Come here! You and me are getting into that police department to get that formula back!
SpongeBob: How?
[Mr. Krabs puts on a police officer outfit.]
Mr. Krabs: By dressing like the po-po.
SpongeBob: The po-po? Oh, no, no.
Mr. Krabs: [removes SpongeBob's hat with the club] No, no po-po—no job-o for you-o. Comprendo?
SpongeBob: So-so. [gulps] But I'll go-go.
[Meanwhile, at the Bikini Bottom Police Department, Plankton is randomly getting pictures taken.]
Police Officer: Turn to your left. [takes picture and shows a mug]
Plankton: What is this?
Police Officer: Mug shot.
Plankton: [scoffs] Looks nothing like me. [gets drenched by the mug's coffee]
[The scene changes to the officer letting Plankton into his cell.]
Police Officer: [slams the door] Low life.
Plankton: You'd live a low life too, officer, if you were my height! [sighs and goes to sleep in his bed; he goes to tuck himself in, but sees that his blanket is a postage stamp] Could have given me a bigger blanket!
[The police officer put on donut-earmuffs so she wouldn't hear Plankton's complaining. Patrick comes in all covered in ice cream and looking drunk. Patrick kicks the camera stand and falls.]
Police Officer: One too many Goofy Goobers again, eh, Patrick?
Patrick: [gets up and groans] No, sir, I couldn't eat another.
[Patrick drunkenly stumbles over to Plankton's cell.]
Police Officer: Get in there and sleep it off.
[Patrick pulls the key out from his belly button and enters the cell. Patrick walks over to the toilet, runs over to Plankton and falls onto the bed to sleep. He turns his body over, revealing Plankton in his butt area.]
Plankton: Not exactly the blanket I wanted.
[Meanwhile in Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are wondering around the streets in their police uniforms.]
SpongeBob: Isn't it a crime to impersonate a police officer?
Mr. Krabs: We're not impersonating, boy-o. I was in the navy, and the navy is sort of like the cops...of the sea. And I just deputized you. [whacks SpongeBob with the club]
SpongeBob: Deput—wow! I always wanted to be an officer of the law! Check it out. [rubs his chin] I'm the fuzz. Ooh, look at this! [takes off his shoe and his foot is flat] I'm also a flat foot! [giggles] Watch me work. [runs over to a passing mime and blows the whistle] Mr. Mime, you have the right to remain silent. [giggles and runs over to an old man] Stop or I'll shoot...you a nasty look. [makes faces, blows a raspberry, and giggles]
[SpongeBob starts holding hands with Mr. Krabs.]
Mr. Krabs: Huh? [pulls his hand away] Hey, let go! Cops don't hold hands.
SpongeBob: Well...they should. [droops]
Mr. Krabs: Bring it in, Officer Little Buddy!
[SpongeBob gets excited and hugs Mr. Krabs. Just then, a crowd of people is watching them.]
Mr. Krabs: What? Cops can hug. You know, boy-o, we probably make some pretty good cops.
[SpongeBob notices a little girl selling cookies at her cookie stand. He begins to grow suspicious.]
SpongeBob: Hm? Ohh. What have we got here? Excuse me, miss. Have you got a license to sell these cookies?
Mr. Krabs: Officer SquarePants, I don't think we ought to—
SpongeBob: Let me handle this, Officer Mr. Krabs! Well, missy, do ya?
Helen the Felon: I don't have a license.
SpongeBob: [cuffs the little girl] Yeah, that's what I thought. You're under arrest for violating penal code 4968973025-D.
Mr. Krabs: How did you know that?
SpongeBob: That's classified.
[Back in the Bikini Bottom Police Department, Patrick is having a conversation with Plankton in their prison cell.]
Patrick: Oh, I love it here. We have owers, uh, a courtyard, and three square meals a day. [holds up a bucket of raw chum] All chum...Ahh.
Plankton: I know. They're my only customer.
Patrick: [laughs and runs to the toilet] This is the best part! [flushes the toilet and it sprits out a fountain of water; he laughs] Pretty cool, huh?
Plankton: If you attempt to use that in front of me, I'll annihilate you.
[Outside the police department, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs bring the little girl to the front door.]
SpongeBob: Central booking, also known as the cop shop. [opens the door and lets the little girl go in]
Mr. Krabs: How do you know these words?
SpongeBob: Still classified. [enters the building and Mr. Krabs follows]
Officer John Slugfish: Well, if it isn't little Helen the Felon. [drinks some coffee] Good work, boys. You nabbed the most notorious criminal in Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob: Huh? This sweet little thing?
Officer John Slugfish: You can drop the act now, Helen.
[Helen bites SpongeBob's hand and kick's Mr. Krabs in the stomach.]
Mr. Krabs: Hey!
Officer John Slugfish: [chuckles] That's my girl. All right, take her to the interrogation room.
[Helen the Felon is taken to the interrogation room and SpongeBob turns on the light.]
Mr. Krabs: While I look for the formula, you can interrogate the suspect.
SpongeBob: But I don't know how to interrogate.
Mr. Krabs: Then just ask questions. [pushes SpongeBob in the room] And act tough. [leaves]
SpongeBob: Um...questions and act tough. Got it. [goes to the table and pulls the chair] Hmm... [sits down] Okay, little Helen! [inhales and buffs up his body] What do you think of this weather?
Helen the Felon: I think it's wuh-vey! Let me ask you something. How long have you been an idiot?
[SpongeBob begins to get nervous and shrinks down to his normal size.]
SpongeBob: I want a lawyer.
Helen the Felon: Just answer the question!
[SpongeBob's body rips in half, revealing his brain. SpongeBob takes his brain back and becomes even more nervous than usual.]
SpongeBob: [whimpers] An idiot? I don't know! Is it hot in here? [breathes heavily and sweats] Pressure—I can't—okay, I'll confess! I'll confess to it all! Anything! Whatever you got!
[Back at Plankton's prison cell, Plankton is sawing his way out with the nail filer. Patrick sighs behind him.]
Plankton: That's it. Keep up that cacophony. Your noise is drowning out my filing. [chuckles]
Patrick: [groans] My stomach needs frozen treats.
Patrick's stomach: Frozen treats.
Patrick: [jumps off the bed] Huh! I'm gonna have to make myself some jailhouse ice cream. [puts a band on his hand]
[Patrick grabs a bunch of toilet paper and stuffs them down the toilet. He pulls his underwear out and stuffs it in the toilet too. He squirts a tube of toothpaste, adds a cinderblock, and stuffs them all down with his foot. He grabs a scooper, scoops some green ice cream out and puts it on a cone made out of magazine. He takes a taste and he likes it.]
Patrick: Try it! You can't even tell the difference.
[A close-up of the ice cream is shown.]
Plankton: Blech! No, thanks. But, say, I know where they keep the real ice cream around here: in the evidence room. A guy like you who knows his way around here might be able—
Patrick: [pops a key out from the ice cream] I have a key.
Plankton: Oh, really? Let's go!
[Patrick swallows the key, rubs the ice cream all over his body and slips through the bars. Meanwhile, Mr. Krabs is searching through the hallway for the evidence room. He stumbles across a room filled with donuts.]
Mr. Krabs: Donuts? [opens the door and a pile of donuts fall on him] Whoa! [pops out] Hm. Well...maybe just one. [eats one donut; he turns and sees the door to the evidence room and spits the donut out] Evidence room! [goes to the door] Huh? [hears something]
Patrick: You promised me ice cream! Hmph! [sits on the floor and pouts]
Plankton: [jumps on Patrick's stomach] Look, once I get the secret formula and rule the world, I'll buy you all the ice cream you want! [hops over to a shelf filled with various evidence] Let's see. Comic books, sea shells...an old man...
Old Man Walker: [to the viewer] Hello!
Plankton: Outboard motors...stolen jokes...a leg...
Fred: [off-screen] My leg!
Plankton: Hmm? Well, drop a dime on me! There it is! [goes to get the formula, but Mr. Krabs takes it before it gets it]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, you don't!
Plankton: Krabs? What are you doing here? I stole that formula fair and square!
Mr. Krabs: Well, I'm stealing it back! [stuffs the formula under his shirt]
Plankton: Oh, no, you not!
[Plankton throws a sea shell at Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs removes the shell and falls over, knocking over boxes of evidence. He comes out, holding an old man.]
Old Man Walker: Hello!
[Mr. Krabs throws the old man at Plankton, squishing him in the wall.]
Old Man Walker: Hello!
[Plankton throws the old man back at Mr. Krabs, sending him flying into another shelf. A group of old people fall onto Mr. Krabs.]
Old people: Hello!
Mr. Krabs: Who's been pinching all these geezers?
Patrick: [grabs Mr. Krabs] Where's my ice cream? Where's my ice cream? Where—[hallucinates as he sees Mr. Krabs' eyestalks become two ice cream cones; he gasps] Ohh! Well, there it is. [licks Mr. Krabs' eyestalk]
Mr. Krabs: What are you doing, you maniac?! Help! Police! [screams as he runs]
[Plankton jumps onto Mr. Krabs and begins a brawl.]
Mr. Krabs: What do you think you're—
[Moments later, Officer John Slugfish comes in the evidence room, eating a donut. He sees Plankton, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick fighting.]
Officer John Slugfish: I don't know what you two are doing, but it looks illegal. [gets caught in the brawl, but manages to cuff them all up]
SpongeBob: [comes in wearing cuffs] I have a confession to make!
[The scene changes to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob being placed in the same cell with Plankton and Helen the Felon.]
Officer John Slugfish: I'll just hold onto this formula till the morning. [shuts the cell door]
SpongeBob: Oh, but, officer, I have more confessions.
Officer John Slugfish: Zip it, kid! I get it. You're a criminal mastermind. [leaves]
SpongeBob: Guilty! Yay!
Plankton: Hey, where's Patrick?
[They see Patrick, covered in ice cream again, all drunk from Goofy Goobers and opens the cell door with the key. Patrick walks over to the toilet, runs over to Plankton, Helen the Felon, Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob and falls onto the bed to sleep.]
SpongeBob: Well, I must confess, this is sure cozy. [The episode ends.]