This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "FitzPatrick" from season 1, which aired on April 11, 2023.

• [The episode starts with a wedding in the yard outside the Star family house. Squidina films Patrick as he walks with Bunny down the aisle. Bunny takes a seat next to Cecil.]
• Cecil: [sobbing] My boy! My boy! [Bunny holds him]
• Slappy: Ooh, I love a good wedding. They've got almost as much crying as a good funeral. [laughs]
• [Patrick gets on stage, his butt crack showing. He giggles as he winks to the veiled "bride."]
• Slappy: Ladies and gentlefish! We are gathered here today [grabs book] to smush two souls together [squeezes book] into one gooey soul pulp! [puts book behind him] By the power vested in me by the fish and wildlife service, [cow moos] I declare you husband and wife. You may now eat the bride.
• [The audience cheers.]
• Patrick: [takes a veil off, revealing that the "bride" is a cake] That frosting becomes you. [starts drooling]
• FitzPatrick: [jumps out of the cake] Surprise!
• [The audience gasps.]
• Patrick: FitzPatrick? [takes off hat and scratches head] My long lost evil twin cousin? Is it really you?
• FitzPatrick: In the flesh, [grabs Patrick] my corpulent companion! [laughs]
• Squidina: [pops out of a bush with a flower] Who is this guy? He ruined our big wedding scene.
• Patrick: [blows a raspberry] Relax, Squidina. FitzPatrick is family. [face shrinks, unsure] I guess. [FitzPatrick grabs him, making his top hat spin until Fitz puts it back on.]
• FitzPatrick: Come on, Patrick. Let's hit the town! I can't remember the last time I saw you!
• Patrick: I can't remember ever remembering. [they walk away]
• [The audience members gasp, run to eat the cake, and leave. Patrick and Fitz walk downtown. While talking, Patrick takes off his top hat, his bowtie, his shirt, his pants, and then unzips his skin to switch to his normal outfit.]
• Patrick: So evil twin cousin FitzPatrick, what brings you to town?
• FitzPatrick: Oh, you know, I thought I'd assume your identity, ruin your life, standard evil twin stuff.
• Patrick: [angry] Yeah, [happy] that sounds great!
• FitzPatrick: Hmm?
• Patrick: Hey! While you're doing whatever it was you said, [takes out a bib] we should hit the Goofy Goober and tie one on! [ties it around him, strangling him]
• FitzPatrick: [coughs]
• Patrick: Come on!
• [The scene cuts to Goofy Goober's. Goofy Goober walks past, and the Goofy Scoopers are playing on stage. Patrick takes Fitz to the counter.]
• Patrick: Two ice cream sundaes, scoop jockey! Extra large! [leans on counter] And make it snappy! [Fitz turns around] What are you gonna have, cuz?
• FitzPatrick: [smiles and laughs maliciously]
• [The waiter brings two Triple Gooberberry Sunrises. Patrick begins devouring both.]
• FitzPatrick: Oh, nothing for me, thanks. [puts his hair on Patrick's head, walks to the stage] I came for the music.
• Rock T. Puss: [singing] Chocolate, vanilla, and [head spins] strawberry, buttercream cone and [head spins] black cherry, all of these flavors make me merry... when I'm eating ice cream!
• [FitzPatrick slides up under a table, laughs, and bangs on it, causing a sundae to fall on the Goofy Scoopers, who then short circuit. The Goofy Scoopers then begin to perform a rock song. FitzPatrick jumps onstage.]
• FitzPatrick: Hey there, kids. Who ruined your day?
• Goofy Scoopers: Patrick Star, Patrick Star!
• FitzPatrick: Messed up your music, took your ice cream away!
• Goofy Scoopers: Patrick Star, Patrick Star!
• FitzPatrick: Remember my name when you scream and cry!
• Goofy Scoopers: Patrick Star, Patrick Star!
• FitzPatrick: I hope you hate me till the day I die!
• Goofy Scoopers: Patrick Star, Patrick Star!
• [FitzPatrick kicks Rock T. Puss' piano and Bongos' drums off stage]
• FitzPatrick: Hey, ice cream boy! I see you eating ice cream!
• FitzPatrick and Goofy Scoopers: My name is Patrick Star!
• [As FitzPatrick has an evil grin on his face, the Goofy Scoopers explode behind him. As he walks away and towards Patrick, the kids watching the performance run away. Bongos' arm falls off. Patrick has finished eating many sundaes. FitzPatrick takes the wig from Patrick and places it on himself again.]
• Goofy Manager: Patrick! I saw what you did! [points to him] You are banned from the Goofy Goober! [calling] Oh Big Jim!
• [Big Jim appears and kicks Patrick out of Goofy Goober's with his enormous left leg. Patrick flies out of the awning and slides on the piano key path as FitzPatrick adds a tune to it.]
• FitzPatrick: Ha ha! Fitz: 1, Patrick: [points to him] 0. I hope you enjoy your banishment!
• Patrick: What? Oh, that's okay. [sits up] He bans me every week. [waves to the Goofy Manager] Hey, we'll se ya Monday, Barry!
• Goofy Manager: [waves to Patrick] Say hi to your dad for me!
• FitzPatrick: [holds arm] Well, that was a disappointment.
• Patrick: Well, don't you be a frowny, cuz. [excited] Oh. I know! Let's go to the comic book shop! [grabs Fitz's leg] That always makes me happy!
• [Patrick drags FitzPatrick to the Comic Book Shop.]
• FitzPatrick: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
• Patrick: This is my secret stash of comic books that I don't own yet!
• FitzPatrick: [comes up with his face flattened and with gravel on it, shakes it back to normal] Oooh! This funny book emporium is right for chaos! I just need [picks up Pat the Hapless comic] to distract me cousin. [gives it to him] I think you'll enjoy this one. [walks away and puts his hair on Patrick]
• Patrick: [excited] Oh! Oh thanks, FitzPatrick. [reads book]
• [Zoom into the comic book. Pat the Hapless is walking against a strong wind when he crashes face-first into a castle.]
• Pat the Hapless: Oh! [zoom out to show the castle] Hey! Who had the big idea to put castle in my way?
• [A wizard version of Bubble Bass comes from the top of the castle.]
• Beelzebass: It is I, Beelzebass! Evil wizard extraordinaire! [folds arms] And I didn't put my castle in your way! [leans down] You just walked into it, you boob. [his breasts flop down]
• Pat the Hapless: Don't try mind games on me, sorcerer! I demand [lifts fists] hand to hand combat!
• Beelzebass: [waves hand] Buzz off!
• [Pat the Hapless starts hitting the castle repeatedly.]
• Beelzebass: Whoa! Hey! Stop that! Alright, peon! [points] You asked for it!
• [Beelzebass starts using his wand on Pat the Hapless by turning him into a seahorse. Pat rams the castle again.]
• Beelzebass: Whoa!
• [Beelzebass continues using his wand on Pat the Hapless by turning him into a worm, snail, castle, and sea urchin until the castle falls into pieces.]
• Beelzebass: [loses balance] Whoa! Hm? [falls down, comes out of the rubble with bruises on his face]
• Pat the Hapless: Now we battle!
• [Pat, still as an urchin, raises a fist. Patrick's drool starts falling onto the page.]
• Beelzebass: Is that... drool?
• [Patrick's mouth descends on the page.]
• Beelzebass and Pat the Hapless: [scream]
• [The scene cuts back to the comic book shop, where FitzPatrick destroys a cutout of Man Ray and laughs. He takes the wig from Patrick and places it on himself again.]
• Near Mint Comic Books cashier: What the? Who did this?
• [FitzPatrick does a cute face.]
• Patrick: Wha?
• Customers: [appear and point at Patrick] It was the bald guy!
• Near Mint Comic Books cashier: Alright, buddy! Consider yourself banned!
• [Patrick gets kicked out of the comic book shop.]
• FitzPatrick: Alas. Poor Patrick. Banned forever once again... [puts arm on forehead] Whatever will he do?
• Patrick: Ah. It's no biggie. [grabs FitzPatrick] There's plenty of other shops [zoom out to show other comic stores near them] here in the comic book district. [walks with him] Come on, Fitzie! I bet this place has even more comics to eat!
• [As they hurry to another shop, Patrick's stomach rings.]
• Squidina: [from Patrick's stomach] Patrick, where are you? It's time to host The Patrick Show!
• FitzPatrick: Is that some sort of malevolent spirit?
• Patrick: Nah, just my malevolent sister. [cut to show a shellphone in Patrick's stomach] I swallowed my shellphone. [to Squidina] Okay, I'm coming back now! [punches himself in the stomach to turn off the phone and comes back to his room in a taxi, where numerous people carry out decorations]
• FitzPatrick: You mean to tell me you have your own TV show?
• Patrick: Yeah! Every day, it's beamed down to millions of people all over the world! Or [rubs forehead] maybe it's just the people out front, I dunno.
• Squidina: Tick-tock! [to Patrick] You need to get into costume. We're about to go live. [a car skids and crashes offscreen] Hey! Be careful with that Invisible Boatmobile!
• FitzPatrick: Huh? This TV show is the perfect means to ruin Patrick's reputation! I can make everyone hate him all at once! [laughs] Oh, Patrick, I believe your costume is right in here. [opens time closet and pushes him in]
• Patrick: Thanks, Fitz! You know, it was really great seeing you agai--
• [FitzPatrick slams the door closed.]
• FitzPatrick: [laughs, puts his hair in his pocket, and pulls down a single tooth] Showtime!
• [The audience cheers.]
• FitzPatrick: A group of fish is called a school, a group of whales is called a pod, but what do you call [pulls a rope to show a mirror] a group of dopes? [leans behind it] You! [laughs]
• [The audience starts talking.]
• Lady Upturn: Huh? I am offended!
• Slappy: Not me. I love the abuse.
• Squidina: Patrick! What are you doing?
• [Some parts of the audience begin to leave.]
• FitzPatrick: Where's everyone off to? If you leave now, [points down] you won't get the big prize under your seats!
• [The audience stop to see what's under the seats, revealing jellyfish.]
• FitzPatrick: Jellyfish for everyone!
• [The jellyfish sting the audience. They crawl away, injured.]
• FitzPatrick: Aw, come on! The show's not over! You haven't seen the big finale!
• [The audience sit down again. FitzPatrick wheels in a harpoon cannon.]
• FitzPatrick: Tell me, sir. Where are you from?
• Old Man Walker: Bikini Bottom.
• FitzPatrick: I'm sorry.
• Old Man Walker: I said, Bikini Bottom.
• FitzPatrick: [giggles] No, I heard you. I'm just sorry. [fires harpoon, which hooks to a cork in a boat] And you, ma'am, did it hurt?
• Teen 15: [laughs] Did what hurt?
• FitzPatrick: When ya fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! [laughs, lights flash] Huh?
• Time closet: Incoming Patrick's from every timeline.
• [Other Patricks from every timeline come out of the closet and take FitzPatrick, placing the real Patrick on the stage.]
• Patrick: [laughs]
• FitzPatrick: Let me go! I'm not done ruining Patrick's life! [door shuts behind him]
• Squidina: [comes on-stage] I knew there was something off about that guy. Boy, [pats Patrick] am I glad to have the original Patrick back.
• Patrick: Yeah! [sees harpoon cannon] Oooh! Cool crank! [reels it back]
• [The ship comes out of the boat. The audience screams as the ship hits them.]
• Squidina: Patrick! You crushed the whole audience! Well, there goes the show.
• [The audience laughs and pops out of windows in the boat, holding buckets of ice cream with corks in them.]
• Patrick: Is that? Oh! [takes one] Cork in the bottom brand ice cream? My favorite! [bites off the cork and eats the ice cream]
• Slappy: Now that's what I call a finale! [clinks his ice cream with Lady Upturn]
• Lady Upturn: I am not offended! [laughs, they both eat their ice cream]
• [The time closet transitions into FitzPatrick being teleported into Pat the Hapless's world. Pat the Hapless sits on the ruins of the castle, picking his teeth with Beelzebass's wand.]
• FitzPatrick: [screams, lands] Huh? Well, well, well, my similar-looking friend. I'm going to steal your identity and ruin your reputation! They'll all hate you! Friends, strangers, even your own-- [Pat turns him into a sea urchin] D'oh! [a gray urchin hops by] Hey! You! [Fitz chases it] Get back here! I'm going to ruin your reputation!