This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Missing Identity" from season 3, which aired on January 19, 2004.

• [At a diner, the episode starts and it is raining outside. Inside, a man in a hat with a suit and tie is sitting at the bar, looking for his pen. A waitress pours him some coffee into his cup.]
• Ted: Oh, no, I lost my pen.
• [The Waitress takes a pen out of her hair.]
• Waitress: You can borrow mine.
• [She hands her pen to Ted.]
• Ted: Thanks.
• SpongeBob: I lost something once. [Pans to SpongeBob sitting at a booth with some coffee.] I lost something I couldn't live without-- my identity. [the two fish look at SpongeBob then they ignore him.]
• Ted: So, anyway, thanks for the pen.
• Waitress: No problem, hon.
• SpongeBob: [walking on the counter] It all started last week-- Monday morning to be exact-- the day I lost my identity.
• [Ted looks at his watch.]
• Ted: [whispers] I've gotta go.
• [Flashback to Monday morning where SpongeBob is sleeping until his alarm goes off]
• SpongeBob: [jumps up and throws his blanket in the air] Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it! [his blanket lands on his head and he struggles to get it off] Gary, help! I can't see. Gary! [SpongeBob puts his foot on the floor to feel around for Gary] Gary, are you there? [falls on his face. His alarm falls on his head] Ow! [stands up] Gary? Gary, buddy? I need you to be my eyes, okay? Am I near the bathroom? [shrieks as he falls down the staircase. When he falls into the living room, his alarm clock spits him out] Gary? [hits one of his windows] Gare? [slides off the window]
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Gary! Now that my horrific incident of terror is over, how about some breakfast? [grabs a can of snail food then sings and dances] The most important meal of the day, serving it up Gary's way-- pop! [pours the can into Gary's bowl] Enjoy, buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years, and I don't even know what it tastes like. [sticks out his tongue and tastes the snail food but finds it disgusting, sound echoes from his pineapple house] Blech! [sound echoes through the streets] Blech! [sound echoes to the Snail Po headquarters] Blech!
• Incidental 49: What is it, Peterson?
• Incidental 41 (Peterson): I'm not sure. I feel... a disturbance. [cuts back to SpongeBob's house where he is carrying his pants on a hanger]
• SpongeBob: That was the worst thing I've ever tasted. Oh, well, at least I'll never have to do it again. [looks at his watch] Barnacles! All these shenanigans made me late for work. [spins and his pants are on his head] Ooh! [spins and his pants are in his arm] Uh-oh. [spins and his pants are in the correct place but the collars are missing] All right! [walks out the door and past Patrick]
• Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick! [he skips and sings.] Lalalalalalalalalalalala la-la! [Scene cuts to the present at the Diner where SpongeBob skips and sings while sitting on a chair] Lalalalalalalalalalalala la-la! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala la-la!
• Waitress: Wait a minute. When exactly did you lose your identity?
• Ted: Yeah, and who's Patrick?
• Lou: Why did you eat Snail-Po?
• SpongeBob: Ah, ah, ah, patience, good people. A great story can't be rushed. However, I will skip ahead to the Krusty Krab. [cut to the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob opens the door with a food tray in his hand] Order up! [walks to Incidental 104] One Krabby Patty grilled with the fiery warmth of my beating heart. Enjoy.
• Incidental 104: Thanks, uh... [looks closely at his shirt] Oh.
• SpongeBob: Is there a problem?
• Incidental 104: Well, you really should be wearing a name tag so I can thank you properly.
• SpongeBob: [laughs] While it is against my philosophy to disagree with the customer, I must point out that I am in fact wearing a name tag, right here. [points to an empty spot on his shirt where his name tag should be] Huh? [he searches for his name tag then he hyperventilates after he realizes his name tag is missing. Squidward walks up to him]
• Squidward: Uh, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, it's terrible! It's the most terrible thing that's ever happened to me! I lost my name tag! [he cries softly and then screams] Pourquoi?!
• Squidward: SpongeBob, take it easy! I'm sure you can get a new one.
• SpongeBob: But I don't want a new one, Squidward. My name tag is out there somewhere. Lost... Hungry... Who will help it? What if someone's using it? [SpongeBob imagines a quiet bank and a bank robber bursting in wearing a mask over his head and SpongeBob's name tag]
• Bank Robber: [wearing a name tag with SpongeBob's name on it] Alright! Nobody move! This is a bank robbery! Attica! [cuts back to SpongeBob who screams]
• SpongeBob: I'm innocent, I tell ya! [he then faints and the screen fades to black. Then he awakens and walks over to Squidward] Squidward, what happened?
• Squidward: Hmm? Oh, you fainted because you lost your name tag or something.
• SpongeBob: Huh? [hyperventilates again]
• Squidward: [Picks up SpongeBob] SpongeBob, will you get a hold of yourself? Since when is losing your name tag the end of the world? [Mr. Krabs comes out of his office]
• Mr. Krabs: Attention, all employees! Just a quick heads-up, boys. There's going to be a surprise uniform inspection in one hour. Anyone who doesn't pass gets the boot! [SpongeBob and Squidward stare nervously at Mr. Krabs, who pulls out a big, black boot emitting toxic green fumes] This boot, to be exact. It's very stinky, and you'll have to wear it all day. See you in an hour. [Mr. Krabs zips back into his office. SpongeBob starts hyperventilating again]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, if you really want to find your name tag, just retrace your steps.
• SpongeBob: Retrace my steps? Squidward, you're a genius.
• Squidward: [flattered] Huh. Huh. A genius? Well, I don't know about that, but...
• SpongeBob: [walks off] Cover me till I get back, okay?
• Squidward: Oh, sure, sure. [chuckles] A genius? Well, how about... Hey! [cuts to SpongeBob walking down the road]
• SpongeBob: Let's see, if I'm going to retrace my steps, I got to remember everything I did this morning. [walks by Patrick]
• Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Patrick. [runs back to Patrick] You said hi to me this morning, right?
• Patrick: As I do every morning.
• SpongeBob: Well, I need you to do it again.
• Patrick: That wasn't part of the deal, SquarePants!
• SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you talking about?
• Patrick: My hellos aren't just some tape recording that you can rewind and play over and over. They're special!
• SpongeBob: Patrick, this is an emergency! I lost my name tag this morning, and I need to retrace my steps!
• Patrick: You lost your name tag? [hyperventilates like SpongeBob does. Scene cuts to SpongeBob poking his head out his window and Patrick standing outside his house]
• SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, you know the plan, right?
• Patrick: I got it, I got it. You're gonna retrace your steps and when you walk by me I say "hi," just like this morning.
• SpongeBob: Perfect. Hmm, I guess I should start with when I woke up. [climbs in bed] I sure hope this works. [pretends to go to sleep then jumps up] Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it! [blanket falls on his head which causes him to fall and his alarm clock to fall on him again] So far, so good. [falls down the staircase and lands in his living room. The alarm clock shoots him out] I don't see my name tag up here. [smacks into his window then slides off of it to Gary] Now that my horrific moment of terror is over, how about some breakfast? [grabs a can of Snail-Po and sings] The most important meal of the day, serving it up Gary's way. [pours the food into Gary's bowl, then tastes it] Blech! Okay, next I just have to walk outside and say hi to Patrick. [walks by Patrick, outside, but he doesn't say anything] Patrick!
• Patrick: What?
• SpongeBob: You were supposed to say hi to me!
• Patrick: Hi. [SpongeBob gets shocked]
• SpongeBob: Oh. All right, let's take it from the top. [walks off]
• Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Don't forget your line this time!
• Patrick: I won't.
• SpongeBob: Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it. [falls down the staircase, hits the window, and slides to Gary] The most important meal of the day. La-la-la... Gary's way. Blech! [walks by Patrick who again says nothing, and SpongeBob growls in anger] Patrick, why didn't you say hi to me?!
• Patrick: What's my motivation?
• SpongeBob: [angrily] Forget the motivation! Just say hi! Ugh! [runs off. Cuts to SpongeBob doing his routine again; SpongeBob falls off his bed, then falls off his stairs, then is spat out by his alarm, then hits his window. Cuts again to outside]
• Patrick: Hi, Patrick! Oh, wait, I'm Patrick! I'm sorry. Sorry. [laughs. SpongeBob walks off in anger] I'm sorry. Let's try it again. [Cuts to SpongeBob doing his routine again; SpongeBob falls off his bed, then falls off his stairs, then hits his window, then tastes Gary's food which disgusts him again. Cuts again to outside] Hi, SpongeBoob! Said SpongeBoob! What? I sai... I sai... [laughs] Who's SpongeBoob?! I said SpongeBoob! [SpongeBob walks off in anger again] Again, again. [refers to the audience.] Sorry, people.
• SpongeBob: [Cuts to SpongeBob doing his routine again. The first frame appears, SpongeBob falls off his bed; the second frame appears, SpongeBob falls off his stairs; the third frame appears, SpongeBob is about to feed Gary] The most important meal of the day, la-la-la, Gary's way. [the fourth and final frame appears, SpongeBob hits his window] Blech!
• Patrick: [Cuts to outside, where Patrick is trying not to laugh] I've got the giggles.
• SpongeBob: Oh, what's the use? I'll never find my name tag in time for inspection!
• Patrick: Well, what did you do after I said hi to you this morning?
• SpongeBob: Hmm, let's see. [imagines what he did today in his thought bubble] I skipped merrily to the Krusty Krab, said hello to Old Man Jenkins... [Old Man Jenkins honks his horn]
• Thought SpongeBob: Hi, Mr. J.
• SpongeBob: ...placed an apple on Mr. Krabs' desk... [thought ends] and that's about it. Oh, and these two guys threw me in the dumpster. [cuts to SpongeBob being thrown into a dumpster by the Krusty Krab. He laughs] Good one, guys! [tries getting up but slips into the garbage again] Whoa!
• Patrick: That's it! Your name tag is in the apple on Mr. Krabs' desk!
• SpongeBob: Patrick, you're a genius. Oh, wait, he's probably thrown it away by now.
• Patrick: Well, then we'll look in the dumpster! [cuts to the dumpster outside the Krusty Krab]
• SpongeBob: Eh, what is that stench?
• Patrick: That is the stench of discovery. Come on, buddy. I'll give you a boost. [gets on all fours] Hop on, pal.
• SpongeBob: [jumps in the dumpster] Hey, it's not so bad once you get used to it.
• Patrick: I wish I had a nose.
• SpongeBob: Come on in, buddy. The garbage is fine.
• Patrick: Cannonball! [does a cannonball and jumps to the dumpster. He spits some dirt out and laughs; his teeth are filled with filth]
• SpongeBob: You look over there and I'll look over here.
• Patrick: Okay. [digs through the trash while throwing some on SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Patrick?
• Patrick: [misinterpreting him] I'm looking! I'm looking!
• SpongeBob: [as more garbage piles on him] Patrick? Patrick!
• Patrick: [digs even faster] I'm looking as fast as I can!
• SpongeBob: Patrick! [Patrick stops and turns around to see SpongeBob covered in garbage] Thank you. [Patrick pulls trash off of SpongeBob]
• Patrick: Here, let me get that. Hey, look! A Stingray 5000 single. Hey, these guys rock. Why would anybody throw this away?
• SpongeBob: [throws all the garbage away in anger] Have you forgotten what we're looking for knee-deep in yesterday's Top 40 songs?!
• Patrick: Yes.
• SpongeBob: I'll give you a hint. Two words. First word: my. Second word: name tag.
• Patrick: Could I have another hint?
• SpongeBob: [looks at the camera and blinks twice] Patrick, I would love to sit here and play Twenty Questions with you, but I've only got [looks at his watch] one minute till inspection. [screams and jumps] One minute?! Hurry, Patrick, we don't have much time. [digs quicker]
• Patrick: [notices a name tag on the back of SpongeBob's shirt] Hey, SpongeBob...
• SpongeBob: Not now, Patrick.
• Patrick: I know where your name tag is. [SpongeBob turns around]
• SpongeBob: Where?! Where?!
• Patrick: Uh... I can't remember.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't have time for this! [turns back around]
• Patrick: [SpongeBob's name tag becomes visible again] There it is!
• SpongeBob: [turns around again] Where?!
• Patrick: Uh... [SpongeBob becomes angry] I forgot again.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, are you with me or against me?
• Patrick: Could you give me a hint? [SpongeBob simply turns back around] There! I see it!
• SpongeBob: Yeah, yeah, yeah... the boy who cried "name tag." If you're not going to help me, then just go crawl back under your rock!
• Patrick: [turns around, angry] Well, at least I don't wear my shirt backwards!
• SpongeBob: My shirt backward... [looks at his clothes] What the...? [bends his head back to his back and sees his name tag] My shirt's on backwards! [Patrick looks at him] I had my identity all along! [spins his shirt around and looks at his watch] Oh, and just in time. Thanks, Patrick! [shakes hands with Patrick]
• Patrick: [shakes hands with SpongeBob] Don't mention it, buddy.
• [Cuts to the Krusty Krab where uniform inspection is underway.]
• Mr. Krabs: Fall in for inspection! All right, you two. [inspects Squidward] Hat and uniform seem to be in order. Hmm... [notices a few hairs in Squidward's nose] Promise me you'll shave tonight, and you pass.
• Squidward: Hoorah.
• Mr. Krabs: [moves to SpongeBob, who is stink because of the dumpster] Okay, boy, your turn.
• SpongeBob: [salutes] I think you'll find everything shipshape.
• Mr. Krabs: [sniffs SpongeBob and he covers his nose because he smells bad] Ack! Jumpin' jellyfish! What's that stench?!
• SpongeBob: Uh... discovery?
• [Mr. Krabs picks up SpongeBob and sets him outside. Flashback ends and cuts back to the diner as SpongeBob lands in his chair]
• SpongeBob: And that's how I got my identity back. Well, that's my story. [Ted yawns while the waitress checks her watch]
• Waitress: Well, you managed to kill eleven minutes.
• SpongeBob: [laughs] Thanks, uh... [looks at her name tag] Betty.
• Waitress: What? [looks down at her name tag] Oh, sweetie, I'm not Betty. I just borrowed her uniform while mine's at the cleaners.
• [Sad music plays, as SpongeBob looks at the camera, confused, and blinks twice. The episode ends.]