Shell Games/transcript — spongebob

	"Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's 'stolen Krabby Patties.'" This transcript is in need of repair. Please help Encyclopedia SpongeBobia by fixing this transcript. Please remove this message when finished.

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Shell Games" from season 12, which aired on March 7, 2020.

[The episode starts off with a turtle named Tony, who is sleeping until his alarm clock goes off. Tony then smashes it. He looks around all tired.]
Tony: Oh, man. What time is it? I think I overslept. [scratches his underarm] Aah! I was supposed to meet the girls at the beach! [lifts his bed up] I hope they stick around till I get there. Alright, time to crush it. [turns on his record player and it starts playing music. He then goes to his barbell to lift some weights. He tries multiple times, but then he pretends to do pull ups. He then heads to the kitchen to find a can that has bacon, orange juice, eggs, and cereal] Aah, breakfast in a can. [opens the can and dumps food in his mouth, then bangs the can against his head. He then starts brushing his teeth. After he finishes brushing, he looks in the mirror with an ugly face, causing the mirror to crack] Attribute! I can't let the girls see me like this. I gotta get cleaned up. [heads to the door and tries to open it] Aw, come on! What's the deal?! [Tony finally opens it and pops out of his shell, which it's actually Patrick's house.] Ooh, boy. How long was I out? [picks a piece off of Patrick's rock] Ew. Long enough for all this crud to get stuck on my shell. [Patrick's rock is revealed to be Tony's shell. It turns out this whole time Patrick's home was a shell in Conch Street. Tony then smells the dirt.] Oh, nasty! [shakes the dirt off and puts glasses] Let's get this show on the road.
[Tony starts to hum as he starts leaving Conch Street. Squidward looks out his window and notices Tony leaving. But he thinks that is Patrick's house.]
Squidward: Well, there goes the neighborhood. [runs back with a party hat and confetti] For the better! So long, you big pink loser! [laughs]
[Patrick starts stretching and yawning while Tony starts walking. He then brushes his teeth, but while he does that, he bumps into a rock which cuts his body, he hits a mailbox, and then his stomach bumps into Old Man Walker. After Patrick finishes brushing his teeth, he crawls on top of Tony's shell and pulls out a walnut.]
Patrick: Time for my pre-breakfast snack. Come on out, yummy treat. [pulls out a hammer] Smashy! Smashy! Smashy! Smashy! [Tony shakes Patrick off his shell and continues walking.] Hey! Where are you going, rock? I don't wanna move! I really live next to my best friend Squidward, and that little yellow guy!
[Patrick runs to Tony and takes him back to Conch Street.]
Tony: What the? Oh, you gotta be kidding me! How did I get back here?! [Patrick puts his walnut back on Tony's shell and brings a jackhammer with him. He uses it to open his walnut. Patrick then throws it away and pulls out a bomb. Tony notices Patrick on his shell.] Huh? Oh, what do you think your doing, you moss parasite? [throws the bomb away] Sheesh.
[The bomb accidentally goes into Squidward's house.]
Squidward: What the? [The bomb explodes.] Ow...
Patrick: Hi, rock. I'm trying to enjoy a snack.
Tony: Hey, the name is Tony, not rock. And I think it's time for you to vamoose.
Patrick: Huh? What's a vanmoose?
[Patrick imagines a van that has the fur and antlers of a moose]
Tony: [chuckles] You're a few pickles short of a jar, ain't ya, kid? I'll make it simple. [knocks on his shell] This is my shell. I live here, you don't, so beat it!
Patrick: Oh no! You can't fool me! This is my rock, and I'm not leaving! [pulls out glue and glues himself on Tony's shell]
[Tony tries to get Patrick off of him, but gives up.]
Tony: Alright, you Gabbadost. Stay up there if you want. I've got places to be.
[Tony leaves Conch Street again, with Patrick on top of him. Transition to the Mel's Man Salon.]
Patrick: Where are we going?
Tony: Mel's Man Salon. [Patrick gets hit in the head.] Best place in town to get a manly makeover.
[Patrick and Tony enters inside the salon. Reg is seen hitting a bag and two men are getting shaved and having a haircut. One fish is getting his nails a makeover until he smashes them. Patrick looks around and sees three guys getting a hair salon. One fish has a big screw through his head.]
Mel: Hey! [laughs] Tony, good to see you again! But you're late.
Tony: Oh, sorry, Mel. I overslept a little.
Mel: A little? Your appointment was thirty years ago.
Tony: Thirty years? Ohhh! Hey, I never was a morning person.
Mel: Ah, you're telling me, Tony, come on over. I got a chair already for you.
[Mel starts shaving Tony's chin. He gives him the mirror and Tony looks at himself.]
Tony: Mel, you still give the closest shave in Bikini Bottom. Could you do one thing for me though?
Mel: Ah, sure. Anything for you, Tony.
Tony: Take a little off the top... [points to his shell with Patrick on it] of my shell!
[Mel sprays Patrick, then combs him, and then shaves his head until Patrick's head grows back.]
Patrick: [laughs] That tickles!
Tony: Well, it was worth a try. [grabs Patrick's head and leaves] Come on, kid, time for our next stop.
[Patrick and Tony makes it to the Bikini Bottom Bath House.]
Patrick: No, I don't want a bath! I already had one this year! Ew!
Tony: Don't get your Bermuda shorts in a bunch, buddy. We're just here for a spritz.
[They go in. Patrick hits his head]
[Tony and Patrick are in. Tony yawns]
Tony: [to Patrick] I tell ya, kid, this is the one wonders for my back. [one of the fishes next to them spills some water onto the lava rocks, making more steam] I must've slept on a rock for the last 30 years.
[Patrick starts sweating, then he dries; his shorts fill with his sweat and his head becomes tiny]
Tony: Oh, if it's too hot, you can always leave!
Patrick: No way! I'm just a little thirsty!
[a bell rings, suddenly a waiter comes in and gives Patrick a straw and puts it into his shorts]
[waiter leaves, Patrick starts drinking his own sweat and goes back to normal]
[bubble transition to the Goo Lagoon]
Tony: Here we are, kid! Last stop! [finds the lady turtles] Oh! There they are! [Tony goes to the lady turtles] Hello, ladies!
Lady turtle 1: Oh, so now he gets here!
Lady turtle 2: We've been waiting 30 years for you, Tony! You lucky turtles live so long!
Tony: I know, I know, my apologies. But never fear, Tony is--
Lady turtle 2: [to Patrick] Say, [pinches one of Patrick's cheeks] who's this?
Lady turtle 1: Oh, you didn't say you were bringing your pet [strokes Patrick's chin] parasite!
[Lady turtle 2 takes out a plate of cookies, and starts feeding them to Patrick.]
Lady turtle 2: Oh, now, this is a cutie!
Tony: Uh, hello? I didn't get all dolled up just to be treated like snail litter! [growls in anger] That's it! [goes out of his shell] All right, I've had it up to here with you! [the lady turtles continue laughing at Tony in his underpants. Tony is embarrassed at first, but continues to laugh.] Excuse me a second, ladies. [goes back inside of his shell, and sees Patrick in the kitchen. Tony growls angrily at him.]
Patrick: [notices Tony] Oh, hey, Tony! Check out all this cool stuff I didn't know I had in this attic I didn't know was here!
Tony: Buttagots! This ain't your attic, and that ain't your stuff!
Patrick: Look! [Patrick is frying an egg on one of Tony's records] The kitchen has everything I need to make omelets. You want one? [the egg and the record melt] Oops. Ah, time for a new frying pan! [takes out another record]
Tony: That ain't a pan, you jamoke! You're melting my record collection!
Patrick: Oh! Oh, that would explain why the stereo isn't working! [the stereo has a frying pan on it]
Tony: My Hi-Fi! [gets crushed by the bed in the wall] Pasta fasul! [Tony gets his head out from beneath the bed]
Patrick: Oh, this is so cool! Look, there's a bed hiding in the wall! [Tony growls angrily at him] Ooh, I wonder if there's anything else hiding in the wall! [gasps] Maybe candy! [Patrick rips off a part of Tony's 'Lynyrd Squidyrd' poster.]
Tony: My wall art!
Patrick: No, nothing here. Dang. [jumps off the bed, and rips off a part of Tony's 'Fissh' poster] Nope. [Tony growls again, as Patrick jumps over to the wall, and is about to smash a mallet through it, but Tony throws the hammer away.]
Tony: [shouting at Patrick] Get out of my shell!
Patrick: [shouting at Tony] Get out of my rock!
Tony: [pushes Patrick] My shell!
Patrick: [attempts to push Tony] My shell! Uh, wait... rock!
[Tony jumps onto Patrick, and they start to have a fight, breaking a lamp and the stereo, as the lady turtles watch, still on the beach, as three Tony heads and three Patrick heads come out, and then comes back in. Lady turtle 1 laughs.]
Lady turtle 1: This is exciting!
Lady turtle 2: I've got a fiver on the parasite.
[The fight continues inside Tony's shell, and Tony's head comes out, and Patrick's head comes out from Tony's butt.]
Tony: [to Patrick] Hey, that's my butt!
Patrick: [to Tony] Oh, yeah? Well, now your butt is my face! [tries to move Tony's shell] I'm taking my home home!
Tony: Oh, no, you're not! [Tony stretches his hand towards a volleyball court, and holds onto it. The people playing volleyball run away as Patrick and Tony crash into the net, and are sent rolling around, crashing into the lifeguard tower (with Larry inside) and Larry falls into the sea.]
Larry: [in the sea] Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! [the tide comes out] Oh.
[Patrick and Tony roll around the beach, crashing into various beach umbrellas. They then start to roll around the town, crashing into various buildings. They then pass the roadway, where Incidental 41 is attempting to cross, and he notices Tony and Patrick rolling around on the road.]
Incidental 41: Hey! [the green light goes on, and he is about to cross, but it then flattened by Tony and Patrick. They then get tied up in the swings on a playground, and two kids start riding on them.]
Tony: Hey! Get off of me, you brats!
[The kids walk away upon hearing this.]
Patrick: Aww, you guys! [A kid throws a stone at Tony, which makes him and Patrick start spinning around out of the playground. They crash through the Krusty Krab, and SpongeBob comes running out with a bag of food.]
SpongeBob: Hey! You forgot your to-go order! [Patrick and Tony come back, and Patrick collects the bag off of SpongeBob.]
Patrick: Thank you! [he and Tony continue spinning, and crash into a rock, breaking the shell/rock]
Tony: My shell!
Patrick: My rock!
Tony and Patrick: Our home! [both start crying, as the two turtle ladies watch them]
Lady turtle 2: Yeesh. Couple of babies over here.
Lady turtle 1: Who needs this weepy mess?
Lady turtle 2: Yeah, we came to see action. Let's vamoose. [the van moose that Patrick was dreaming about earlier on in the episode approaches, and the turtles step into it, as Tony and Patrick continue crying.]
Patrick: Oh, Tony, I'm so sorry.
Tony: I'm sorry too, kid.
Patrick: If we hadn't been fighting, we'd both still have a home. [he and Tony continue crying, but Patrick has an idea] Hey, wait a minute! I know another rock we could share!
Tony: Really? Hey, maybe you ain't so brainless after all.
[Bubble transition. Patrick, in sunglasses, sips a soda underneath what appears to be a blue rock, but is actually Squidward's house, and Tony comes out, and starts humming as he walks along with Squidward's house on his back. He passes the turtle ladies.]
Tony: Hey, ladies! Check out my new shell.
Both turtle ladies: Ooh! Looking sharp, Tony!
Squidward: [approaches with his grocery bag, and notices that his house is missing. He stammers] My house! Come back! [starts to chase after his house, as the camera irises out on it]