This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sold!" from season 9, which aired on May 6, 2016.

• [The episode opens outside of Patrick's rock, where Patrick is inside watching his TV.]
• Meredith: Did you get stuck in the pet door again?
• Isopod: I ain't gonna lie to you, Meredith, [the isopod is shown stuck inside of a pet door] I am not a happy camper!
• [Patrick laughs.]
• Announcer: We'll be right back with "The Giant Isopod Stuck in the Pet Door" show, after these messages!
• Nick: Homes, homes, homes, homes, homes! I'm Nick Fishkins and I wanna buy your home!
• Patrick: [confused] What?
• Nick: You heard me, I wanna buy your home!
• Patrick: But my home's not for sale.
• Nick: [suddenly buff] It doesn't matter to me, any condition, [lifts up a barbell with a house on each end of it] any size, I'll buy your home! Sold!
• Patrick: [drops his pizza and juice box] Sold? Where am I gonna live now?
• [Bubble transitions to SpongeBob blowing a feather into the air outside of his house. He sees Patrick with a red bindle with white polka-dots on a stick walking by.]
• SpongeBob: What's happening, Patrick, you going on a hike?
• Patrick: It's a forever hike.
• SpongeBob: A forever hike?
• Patrick: Yeah. All because of Nick Fishkins.
• SpongeBob: Who's Nick Fishkins?
• Patrick: He shows up on television and buys your home and there's nothing you can do about it. [saddened] Now I am doomed to walk the seas without a home.
• SpongeBob: Aw, don't worry, Patrick, you can move in with me. We'll be roommates!
• Patrick: Wow!
• [Bubble transitions to a shot of SpongeBob's pineapple at nighttime. Inside, SpongeBob and Patrick are watching TV while eating chips and popcorn. SpongeBob changes the channel, which happens to be the same commercial Patrick saw earlier.]
• Nick: I'm Nick Fishkins and I wanna buy your home! Sold!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick scream in panic and spit out their popcorn. Bubble transitions to SpongeBob, Patrick, and Gary, all with a red bindle with white polka-dots on a stick, walking to the back of the Krusty Krab.]
• SpongeBob: Well, we might as well spend the night here. [takes Gary off of his head] It's not so bad. We could make a home out of all this trash!
• Patrick: [inside a broken bathtub while holding a steering wheel] Don't forget to make a garage for our new boat! [laughs]
• [Bubble transitions to Squidward's house, where it is just about the crack of dawn. A crowing sound is heard.]
• Squidward: [wakes up from his slumber, only to realize something is strange] Hm? Huh, how strange. Usually, I wake up each morning with a dark feeling of dread gnawing at my stomach. But today, I feel positively... happy! [cut to him walking happily with a rainbow over his head, singing "Smiling Rainbows"] ♪ Smilin' rainbows, smilin' sun, smilin' rocks, and vegetation! Look, Ma, I'm dancing, and hear my song! The world is lovely when nothing is wrong! Everything's smiling, yes, even me! Is this what they call feeling happy? ♪ [walks into the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is grabbing a trash bag from the trash can. As Squidward walks by happily, he takes Mr. Krabs' arm holding the trash. He proceeds to walk to the dumpster] This still doesn't hurt--
• SpongeBob: [off-screen] Morning, Squidward!
• Squidward: Good morning, SpongeBob! [tosses the trash and Mr. Krabs' arm into the dumpster. As he proceeds to walk back into the Krusty Krab, he stops and realizes why he is so happy] Oh, that's why I felt great this morning, there was no SpongeBob.
• Patrick: [off-screen] Hi, Squidward!
• Squidward: [notices SpongeBob, Patrick, Gary, looking like wrecks, relaxing around their newly-built house] Oh, what did you numbskulls do with the trash?
• SpongeBob: [the camera zooms out to reveal the entire house which is made out of trash] Built a house. [a table holding a barrel, two pillows, and a photo fall over]
• Squidward: What the-- why?
• Patrick: Cause Nick Fishkins bought my home and then he bought SpongeBob's home.
• SpongeBob: So now we live here.
• Squidward: Oh, why didn't you just use the money that Nick Fishkins gave you to rent a room or buy a new home?
• Patrick: Well, he hasn't paid us yet!
• SpongeBob: Yeah, he said it right on the TV, "I wanna buy your home!" But we haven't seen any money!
• Squidward: Ohhh... let me get this straight. You saw a TV commercial of Nick Fishkins saying he would buy your home and without meeting him or signing anything, you believe your homes have been sold? Now doesn't that seem weird, even to you?
• Patrick: Really weird!
• Squidward: Oh, listen you dumb-- [stops talking and realizes that SpongeBob and Patrick moving out is positive. He imagines himself in front of his house, forming a rainbow that destroys SpongeBob and Patrick's homes. After this, he makes a creepy smile] Uh, you know, looks like you guys got Fishkinned, and well, there's nothing you can do about that! [chuckles]
• [Bubble transitions to the next day, at dawn, where a clam is seen crowing like a rooster. SpongeBob wakes up in his "bed," drinks from a thrown-out soup can, and takes a "shower," which is actually Patrick dumping more trash on SpongeBob. After this, SpongeBob enters the Krusty Krab.]
• SpongeBob: Ready for work, Mr. Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: [sees SpongeBob looking like a wreck] Wait a minute! What's the matter with you, boy? [view shows SpongeBob looking like a mess once again as a foghorn is heard] You look like you slept in a pile of trash!
• SpongeBob: A pile-of-trash house! Patrick and I built one out back with all your garbage!
• Mr. Krabs: With my garbage? On my land?! I'll be chargin' ye a reasonable rental fee.
• SpongeBob: [shocked] How much?
• Mr. Krabs: Hmm... your paycheck oughtta cover it!
• SpongeBob: Gee, I didn't know being homeless was so expensive.
• [Bubble transitions to Squidward in his register boat.]
• Squidward: [checking his watch] Ah, work is done! [puts his Krusty Krab employee hat in his pocket] Now I can go home to a SpongeBob-free zone and rearrange my doily collection!
• SpongeBob: [runs up to Squidward] I miss the old neighborhood! I think I'm gonna visit my old house tonight!
• Squidward: Uh, no, no, you don't wanna do that!
• SpongeBob: Why?
• Squidward: Well, a family has moved in there, with a lot of kids, and they don't like to be disturbed.
• SpongeBob: How many's a lot?
• Squidward: Oh, like, pfft, 12 kids!
• SpongeBob: But if I just ask politely to visit do you think they--
• Squidward: And they don't speak English! Uh, the Fishtraps only speak... German!
• [SpongeBob, saddened by this, deflates.]
• Patrick: [sitting on a table eating garbage] Maybe I can move in with whoever's in my house.
• Squidward: No, no, no, uh, a band lives there now!
• Patrick: A rock band?
• Squidward: Um, yes.
• Patrick: Cause my house is a rock?
• Squidward: Yes, a big rock band with like eight people and all sorts of musical equipment so there's only room for musicians! [leaves the Krusty Krab after responding]
• SpongeBob: Hey, I could learn German!
• Patrick: And I could learn what "learn" is.
• [Bubble transitions to Squidward's house at night. Inside, Squidward is reading a yellow "Everyone Aplomb Now" magazine while relaxing music plays on his record player.]
• Squidward: Mmmm, nice! Ah, it's like a beautiful dream! So peaceful, no more aggravation! [hears someone knocking on SpongeBob's pineapple. He looks outside and sees SpongeBob] What is that porous terror up to now? Oh no, he's expecting a big family that speaks German! [runs into his closet, grabs supplies, and runs to SpongeBob's house. He opens SpongeBob's door, dressed in a Tyrolean hat and lederhosen and a broom head as a mustache] Uh, German, hallo?
• SpongeBob: Ach! Guten Morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob! (Oh! Good morning! My name is SpongeBob!)
• Squidward: Say what?
• SpongeBob: Guten Morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob! Ich bin gekommen, um mein alte Heimat besuchen. (Good morning! My name is SpongeBob! I have come to visit my old home.)
• Squidward: Uh, please, vould you speaken-zee English, I need za practice!
• SpongeBob: Huh? Oh, ja, I mean, sure, good morning! My name is SpongeBob, what is your name?
• Squidward: Umm... Gerhard.
• SpongeBob: Well, hello, Gerhard, I used to live here. Just stopped by to visit my old home.
• Squidward: Ach, meine Neptune, uh, now is nein such a good time mit the wife and zuch!
• SpongeBob: [while Patrick is walking behind him] Wife? Where is she?
• Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob.
• Squidward: [panicked] She's shy... well, I must be going! Mein wifenz calling me for zupper! She is a fine Gutenchef of Fudenschlop!
• SpongeBob: Um, would you mind if I stay for zupper? [enters his pineapple] Whatchya having?
• Squidward: Umm... kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz.
• SpongeBob: Kerglooginpfiefer, that's my favorite! Uh, what's your wife's name?
• Squidward: I don't know... Hedvig! [grabs SpongeBob and puts him on his chair] Dunt movin! Not a schtepp! [as SpongeBob tries to get up from the chair, Squidward rushes back on-screen and stops him before he can] Nein, nein! No moven sie! Sitz! [rushes back to his house, grabs more supplies, and rushes inside to Patrick's house. Patrick knocks on his rock, and Squidward opens it, dressed as a rock star] Hey, man, like, what's happening?
• Patrick: I missed my house, and I was hoping I could move back in.
• Squidward: Oh, sorry, dude, no room. This place is, like, filled with band members and musical instruments.
• Patrick: What do you play?
• Squidward: Oh, pfft, the electric clarinet.
• Patrick: There's no such thing!
• Squidward: [a little nervous] Sure there is.
• Patrick: Prove it!
• Squidward: I'll be right back! [runs back to his house, grabs his clarinet, attaches a speaker to the end of it, grabs more musical equipment, then runs back to Patrick's house. The camera then zooms over to SpongeBob sitting in his chair]
• SpongeBob: Oh, Gerhard! Are you coming back?
• Squidward: [pops up behind Patrick's rock, and sneaks back to SpongeBob's pineapple, still in his rock band outfit]
• SpongeBob: Hello! [gets up from his chair and shakes Squidward's hand] You must be Hedvig!
• Squidward: Hedvig? [now pretending to be Hedvig] Oh, oh yeah, that's me, Hedvig!
• SpongeBob: I have heard so much about your kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz! Can't wait to try it.
• Squidward: One-- [in Hedvig's voice] One second! [grabs a trash can full of garbage, dumps it onto a plate, and gives it to SpongeBob] Tonight's zupper is to go, so please, to go!
• SpongeBob: Well aren't your twelve little German children gonna sing for me while I eat?
• Squidward: I don't have children! [realizing what he said] I mean- I mean, yeah, yeah, outside please! [pushes SpongeBob outside]
• SpongeBob: I love outdoor concerts.
• [Squidward closes SpongeBob's door and rushes back to Patrick's house. He opens the rock to reveal himself playing an "electric" clarinet. Patrick is satisfied by this.]
• Squidward: Uh, groovy enough for ya, man?
• Patrick: That was great! You should give lessons to my ex-neighbor, Squidward! He stinks!
• [Squidward growls, closes Patrick's rock, and then runs back to SpongeBob's house. Patrick itches his back and walks to SpongeBob's front entrance, where he sees SpongeBob.]
• Patrick: What's going on?
• SpongeBob: Shhh! The Fishtrap children are gonna sing!
• Squidward: [with puppets on his tentacles] ♪ Ve are der little kiddievinks, der kiddievinks, der kiddievinks, ve are der little kiddievinks, ve love to sing all day! ♪
• SpongeBob: [eating part of his "kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz"] I think the littlest kiddywink is off-key.
• Patrick: They need a band. I'll go talk to the guys that live in my old place, and see if they can come over to play along!
• SpongeBob: Yeah!
• Squidward: [frustrated by this] That's it, I'm done! [takes off his wig and puppets]
• SpongeBob: Squidward!? What are you doing in the Fishtraps' house?
• Squidward: You idiots! It's not the Fishtraps' house, it's your house, and that is still Patrick's house! You just saw a commercial-- that's all!
• Patrick: So... is Nick Fishkins gonna live in my house?
• Squidward: [stops growling] He doesn't live in the houses he buys.
• SpongeBob: Well if he doesn't live in them, what does he do with them?
• Squidward: He flips the houses, you dimwits! He buys houses then resells them for a profit! He flips houses for a living!
• Patrick: He flips houses for a living?
• Squidward: Yes! And I'm calling Nick Fishkins right now to come over and flip my house, so I can move away! [walks away mumbling angrily]
• SpongeBob: Poor Squidward. We should do something really nice for him!
• Patrick: [gets an idea] I know!
• [Bubble transitions to SpongeBob and Patrick each holding one end of Squidward's house.]
• SpongeBob: Alright, Patrick! On the count of three! One... two... three! [both literally flip over Squidward's house on its side, while Squidward is screaming inside. His house proceeds to fall upside down. Then, Nick Fishkins pulls up]
• Nick: Say, is this the home of Squidward Tentacles? The one that was for sale?
• SpongeBob: Sure is!
• Nick: Yeesh. This place is a wreck! I'm Nick Fishkins and I do not wanna buy this home! Not sold! [a sign reading "NOT SOLD!" appears in front of him. He then drives away]
• Squidward: [coming out from the top of his flipped home] What happened?
• SpongeBob: We flipped your house for ya.
• Squidward: Who's that driving away?
• Patrick: That was Nick Fishkins.
• Squidward: And what did he say?
• Patrick: He said "Yeesh! Who'd wanna live in that thing? Not sold!"
• Squidward: I... I can't believe you did that!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick return to their homes.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: You're welcome!
• [Squidward's house crumbles into pieces.]
• Squidward: Ow! Ach du lieber... [the episode ends]