This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Swimming Fools" from season 13, which aired on August 8, 2023.

• [The episode begins with Squidward floating with his face down in a swimming pool.]
• Squidward: [narrating] Well, here I am floating face down in a swimming pool. I always wanted a pool, and in the end, I got one. How did I get here? Well, it all started yesterday.
• [The scene flashes back to yesterday in the backyards of SpongeBob's, Squidward's, and Patrick's houses, with SpongeBob digging a square hole and Squidward bathing in the sun. Squidward takes a sip of his lemonade and exhales with his mouth until dirt projectiles into it.]
• Squidward: [coughs up the dirt and growls angrily as he walks towards SpongeBob] Sponge- [as SpongeBob continues digging up the hole, dirt lands into Squidward's mouth again and spits it out. SpongeBob stops digging] SpongeBob! [SpongeBob throws the shovel which hits Squidward away]
• [Squidward is heard groaning and SpongeBob pops out of the hole. Squidward is now seen on the ground with the shovel on his face.]
• SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward, did you say something?
• Squidward: [removes the shovel from his face, giving him a new mold of his head] Why are you digging up your yard?
• SpongeBob: I'm putting in a pool!
• Squidward: [his head reverts back to the original shape] A pool? [grumbles as he walks to it and makes a disgusted sound at the hole]
• SpongeBob: [slides up next to Squidward] Mmm-hmmm! And I'm going to invite [rubs his gloves on Squidward's head, leaving dirt behind] my favorite next-door neighbor as soon as it's ready!
• Squidward: Get off me! [wipes the dirt off his face] I wouldn't be caught dead in your muddy little bacteria hole! [walks away] I only swim in sophisticated pools.
• SpongeBob: [waves at Squidward] Well if you change your mind, It's almost done!
• Squidward: [lays back at his lounge chair] Ha. Yeah, sure. [puts on his sunglasses as he sighs happily, pours himself a glass of lemonade and drinks some of it]
• SpongeBob: It's done! [Squidward takes off his sunglasses looking annoyed]
• [A shot of SpongeBob's pool is shown, complete with a diving board, two lounge chairs, two torches, three palm trees, a rubber horse, a fountain, and a beach ball.]
• Squidward: [spits out his lemonade] What the? Why, it's beautiful... [squeezes his glass of lemonade in frustration as he growls] Why does he get to have a pool? If anyone around here deserves a pool, it's me!
• Patrick: Cannonball! [dives off the diving board and lands into the pool]
• [Patrick's weight was so strong it causes all off the water in the pool to turn into a wave which crashes on Squidward, sending him inside his house. After the water clears, Squidward walks outside angrily.]
• SpongeBob: [in the pool with a ring float] Hey, Squidward! [points to the pool with both of his index fingers] Come join us in the pool!
• Patrick: [emerges head from the pool] Quick, while the water's still wet!
• Squidward: [growls as his head inflates and deflates] Pool! [growls and slams the door in anger]
• [Bubble transition to the next scene with Squidward climbing a ladder setting up a giant canvas]
• Squidward: [places the canvas on the wood bench] Forget the pool, forget the pool, forget [starts painting on the canvas] the pool! [hums happily, then becomes annoyed that what he painted was a pool shaped like his head]What the? Pool.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick are heard laughing, which startles Squidward, causing him to lose his balance with the ladder and fall through the canvas, creating a hole.]
• Squidward: [peeks his head through the hole] Pool! [looks at his window, then opens it to yell at SpongeBob and Patrick] Keep quiet, ya chlorinated clods!
• Patrick: Cannonball! [a cannon shot is heard, then a cannonball hits Squidward's face]
• SpongeBob: [heard off-screen] Uh-oh!
• Squidward: [gets up from the floor and the cannonball lands on his foot] Ouch! [hops to his AC as he holds his foot] Who needs a soggy old pool when you have the luxury and elegance of indoor air conditioning. [kisses the air conditioner and it breaks. Squidward quickly starts sweating and looks at the viewers] Phew! It's a little hot... [looks at his clock which melts due to the heat] Huh?
• [The sun transitions into the moon. Patrick leaves SpongeBob's house wet.]
• Patrick: That is one cool pool, ma fool! Ah-see you tomorrow, [starts swimming away] SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: [waves] Swim safely, Patrick! Meet you at the pool! [closes his door]
• [The camera pans to Squidward's house, then fades into Squidward laying down on his bed sweating.]
• Squidward: Oh, so hot!
• Mysterious voice: Hey, Squidward!
• Squidward: What? Huh, who said that? [walks to his window, which appears to be glowing]
• SpongeBob's pool: [glows while talking] Don't be a drip, take a dip! [laughs a bit] You know you want to.
• Squidward: [looks both ways] SpongeBob is asleep... I'll just take a quick dip to cool off! [chuckles as he opens his window]
• SpongeBob's pool: That-a-boy! [Squidward climbs out of his house, now standing on the outside of his window] Jump in!
• [Squidward falls on the ground and sneaks behind SpongeBob's pool shed.]
• Squidward: [peeks out of the shed] Heh, pool! [looks for anyone nearby and runs to the pool until he trips on a lounge chair and falls into the pools. He emerges from the pool screaming while covering his mouth with his hands. He swims to the ladder] Thank Neptune nobody heard me. [looks the other way to see Gary growling at him. He smiles awkwardly at Gary]
• SpongeBob: [yelling from his window] Gary! You leave those sea bunnies alone and come to bed!
• Gary: [growls at Squidward and slaps his nose]
• Squidward: Ow!
• Gary: [continues growling as he slithers back inside using the pet door.]
• Squidward: [looks at SpongeBob's window where the light closes and sighs in relief] Now I can have the pool all to myself! [swims backwards into an inflatable chair] Oh, pool... [starts to sleep and the scene fades into his dream where many octopus guests are at SpongeBob's pool] Ciao, everybody!
• Guests: Ciao, Squidwardo!
• Guest #1: [with an Italian accent] Squidwardo, you must play your clarinet for us! You simply must!
• Squidward: I'll think about it! [gets up from the inflatable chair and dives into the pool]
• [The guests awes in disappointment but then sees Squidward emerging from the pool playing his clarinet on many large white platforms.]
• Squidward: [swims as he continues playing his clarinet and the camera pans out to a view of the floor of the pool, which is Squidward's head]
• Pool floor: Ciao bella!
• [As Squidward plays his clarinet, two mermaids appear on both sides and kiss his head, until the scene fades to reality with Squidward kissing until he falls off the inflatable chair and into the pool.]
• Squidward: Egads! I must've fallen asleep! [SpongeBob and Patrick are heard laughing] Huh? [swims away from the pool] I can't let them find me here! [runs inside the pool shed to hide and closes the door on his tentacle, which his pulls back in. Squidward watches the two inside]
• SpongeBob: Ooh, I can't wait to get wet!
• Patrick: Hey, where's the pool toys?
• Squidward: Oh, not the pool shed, not the pool shed, not the pool shed!
• SpongeBob: They're in the pool shed, silly!
• Squidward: Eep! Gotta hide, gotta hide, gotta hide! [runs to the toys]
• SpongeBob: [barges into the pool shed] Toys, toys, toys! Okay, Patrick, you can pick first.
• Patrick: Hmm, [many toys are shown, and Squidward is cosplaying as one] which toy, which toy, which toy?
• Squidward: [in his thoughts] Not me, not me, not me!
• Patrick: [grabs Squidward's nose] I'll take this big ugly one! [chuckles, then shakes Squidward around] It's too floppy to float on! It needs more air. [grabs Squidward's lips, licks his own, puckers them, inhales, inflates Squidward and ties his lips] That oughta do it!
• SpongeBob: [holding a pool noodle] Hey, nice find, Patrick!
• [The scene wipes to Patrick walking to the pool with Squidward as a chair, then he throws him at the pool.]
• Patrick: [jumps] Cannon-sit! [lands on Squidward]
• [SpongeBob sneaks behind Patrick and smacks him off Squidward using a pool noodle. Patrick then grabs Squidward and smacks SpongeBob with him.]
• SpongeBob: Pool fight!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick then constantly declare a pool fight and the latter uses Squidward's nose to smack SpongeBob away into the pool shed.]
• Patrick: Aw, it's broken! [tears up]
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick riding Squidward.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Ride the wave! Ride the wave! Yeah!
• [Squidward is seen suffocating under the pool as the scene wipes to SpongeBob and Patrick pulling tug of war with Squidward.]
• SpongeBob: Tug it back! [tugs one of Squidward's arms]
• Patrick: Tug it forth! [tugs Squidward's other arm] Tug it forth!! [tugs so hard SpongeBob loses his grip and Patrick gets hit by Squidward, sending them both down the pool. Patrick is seen swimming backwards while Squidward sinks]
• [Bubble transition to the next scene with Squidward trying to swim out of the pool until he approaches Gary, who smacks his nose with one of his eyes. Patrick grabs Squidward and climbs up the diving board while he chuckles.]
• Patrick: SpongeBob, watch this!
• Squidward: [muffled] Help me!
• Patrick: [bounces on the diving board] Black hole! [dives into the pool with so much velocity that he sucks the entire neighborhood into a black hole. After a moment, everything gets sucked back to normal]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs] Again, again! [Patrick chuckles]
• Squidward: [pushed to his limit, he unties his lips and screams as he deflates] It's me! I was the pool toy, you idiots!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other.]
• SpongeBob: Squidward, that's the greatest magic trick I've ever seen!
• Patrick: Yeah! Let's do it again! [grabs Squidward's lips and inhales, but Squidward smacks Patrick's hand]
• Squidward: [sighs] Look SpongeBob, I admit it. I used your pool without permission, because I'm really jealous of it. I want [camera pans to the pool chairs] your pool chairs, [camera pans to the pool jets] I want your pool jets, [camera pans to the pool noodles and a pool toy] I want your pool noodles, [camera pans to the diving board; he walks to it] and most of all, I want this diving board. [starts crying hysterically]
• SpongeBob: [pats Squidward's back] Squidward, we're best neighbors! You can use my pool anytime you like, day or night, ya silly!
• Squidward: [chuckles] Ah, gee. Thanks, SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Say, [flaps Squidward's nose with his finger] how would you like to take a divey-wivey on the boardy-woardy, hmm?
• Squidward: Oh no, thanks, but I just couldn't!
• SpongeBob: [with an Italian accent] Please, you must take a dive, Squidwardo!
• Squidward: Huh? [with an Italian accent] I would love to take a dive! [climbs the diving ladder] I was on my high school swim team!
• SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! This ladder is adjustable! Do you wanna go higher?
• Squidward: [with an Italian accent] I love you all too!
• SpongeBob: Okay, I'll take that as a yes! Crank it up, Patrick!
• [Patrick adjusts the ladder, making Squidward leave the surface all the way to outer space.]
• Squidward: Ciao bella! I dive! [dives, then freezes in mid-air when he opens his eyes to see the entire Earth, his eyes bug out as he screams. He pants in distress then clings under the diving board] Troppo elevato! Too high, too high!
• SpongeBob: Oh, it's too high, Patrick! Crank it down!
• [Patrick snaps the crank off, then shrugs. The board moves slightly.]
• Squidward: Huh? What was that? [he is sent flying down with the board and starts screaming]
• [As Squidward is heard screaming, Patrick tries placing the crank back, then he places it on top of the crank lift.]
• Patrick: [sighs happily, then when the crank falls off, he sighs disappointed]
• [Squidward continues falling down and the crank lift is on fire. SpongeBob tries to put out the fire by making a water ball and throwing it at the fire, but it doesn't work. A detailed screaming Squidward is shown continuously falling then catching fire, and a quick POV of him is shown slamming into the pool.]
• SpongeBob: [holds up a 10 score] Yay!
• Patrick: [holds up a score with the letter G on it] Yeah!
• [As Squidward floats face down, SpongeBob approaches to next to him.]
• SpongeBob: Perfect dive, Squidward!
• Squidward: [appears floating face down like he was earlier in the episode narrating] And that's how I got here.
• [Squidward's body parts detach and his head gets sucked by the pool filter, blocking it.]
• Squidward: [with an Italian accent] Typical.