This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Card" from season 6, which aired on November 28, 2008.

• Quincy: Next! Oh, no...
• SpongeBob: Hey, Quincy! How's my favorite money-man?
• Quincy: SpongeBob... what can I do for you?
• SpongeBob: The new Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy cards come out today! So I need to take out some mon-ey.
• Quincy: Ugh. Let me see your bank book.
• SpongeBob: Sure thing, Quincy, sure thing. [takes out his bank book]
• Quincy: Nice... bunnies.
• SpongeBob: I know, I know. It's so embarrassing. [whispering] I wanted the one with the kittens on it.
• Quincy: Right. [pulls out SpongeBob's money] Here you are, sir.
• SpongeBob: Thank you. Hm... [pulls out a wrinkled dollar] Um, Quincy, this one is wrinkled. I couldn't possibly give this to Mermaid Man. It simply won't do.
• Quincy: I don't think they go directly to Mermaid Man, SpongeBob. But, um... uh, here. Try this one. [hands SpongeBob a dollar]
• SpongeBob: [sniffs the dollar] This one... smells funny.
• Customer in line: Oh, come on! [yelling] Would you hurry up?
• Customer with mask and money bag: Yeah, some of us have withdrawals to make, ya know?
• All customers: [complaining]
• SpongeBob: Well, I'll have you know that this is for Mermaid Man. And I'm not leaving until I have money that shows him the proper respect. [gets kicked out of bank] Whoa!
• All customers: [cheering]
• [SpongeBob and Patrick are at Near Mint Comic Books.]
• Patrick: One, two, three, four...
• SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. Counting up your change for a pack of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy trading cards?
• Patrick: No, [shows SpongeBob the counting book] I'm thinking about buying this book on counting. [reading] Three, four. What's going to happen next? Five?! Holy super-happy-fun-time! This book's good! I'll take it! [counts out coins] One, two, three...
• SpongeBob: One pack of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy cards, please.
• Comic book dealer: [gets a pack of cards]
• SpongeBob: All right!
• Comic book dealer: Not so fast! Where's my dollar?
• SpongeBob: [pulls out a roll of dollars and pulls one off] Here you are, my good sir.
• Comic book dealer: [gives SpongeBob the pack of cards] Here you go, kid.
• Patrick: Seventeen...
• SpongeBob: So... shiny... and smooth! [rubs it against his face and smells it] Ah... oh! Oh! [opens cards] Oooh! Mermaid Man's bubble-powered wheelchair from season twelve! [gasps] And Barnacle Boy's bunion! Holy scallops! It's the dentures that Mermaid Man used to pop the Dirty Bubble in episode four-hundred two! Wow! These must be the most valuable cards in the world! I'll treasure them forever.
• Comic book dealer: Ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! Those cards aren't worth nothin'. I wouldn't put those cards in the spokes of my bike. Now, if you wanna see a card worth talking about, check this one out. [shows a realistic card with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy on it] This, is the super-rare platinum hologram animated talking card: number fifty-four.
• Voice: Mermaid Man says: [fist swings by and hits Barnacle Boy, while Mermaid Man barely ducks out of the way]
• Mermaid Man: Buy more cards!
• Comic book dealer: There are only five in existence.
• SpongeBob: How much is it? For this one?
• Comic book dealer: This one's just a display. If you want a real one, ya have to buy as many packs as you can, and hope you get lucky.
• SpongeBob: [buys another pack] Oh, I have a good feeling about this one. Oh, come on. And it's... not there. [throws the cards and buys more] Mmm... no. [the process continues until there is only one pack left, but he has no more money] Ohhh! [close up on his face] I'll never find card fifty-four!
• Patrick: Ninety-six, ninety-seven... ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred! [growls] Oh! I hate counting! Just give me what he's having! [gets the last pack] Oh, boy! Let's see which card I got! Is this a good card, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: No, it's just another... [realizes what the card is]
• Voice: Mermaid Man says... [a giant fist punches Barnacle Boy]
• Mermaid Man: Buy more cards!
• SpongeBob: Number fifty-four! That's the best card there is!
• Patrick: It sure does the job, all right. [flossing his teeth with number fifty-four]
• SpongeBob: [screams] Patrick, you're picking your teeth with it!
• Patrick: I'm preventing gingivitis. [it looks like he already has it]
• SpongeBob: Patrick! That's the ultra-rare number fifty-four talking card! It's really valuable, and there's only five in existence. And [gibberish] Patrick! Blah blah blzzz! So now do you understand why you should take really good care of that card?
• Patrick: Yes, sir. [starts picking his teeth with the card]
• [Patrick walks with SpongeBob out of the store.]
• SpongeBob: I can't let anything happen to that card. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy would never forgive me! Patrick, watch out! [runs and takes Patrick away from the crack] You almost tripped on that crack. [puts card in a tiny seat belt on Patrick's hand] Whew! Now watch where you're going!
• Patrick: Okay. Thanks, buddy. [walks towards a street with mud]
• SpongeBob: [a car drives towards a mud puddle on the road next to them] Patrick, look out! [jumps in front of Patrick to avoid mud from hitting the card, getting covered in mud in the process. A log of mud slowly slides out of his mouth] Ha, that was close.
• Patrick: Ha ha. SpongeBob fly.
• SpongeBob: Patrick, this is serious. You're carrying precious cargo now. You can't just wander aimlessly around like you've been...
• Patrick: What?! [walks into Goo Lagoon]
• SpongeBob: The card! [jumps into the water and stops the card from going underwater by picking up Patrick as he sinks. He carries him to the other side, then puts him down] Patrick, why did you just walk into Goo Lagoon?
• Patrick: SpongeBob, you can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes. [falls from a construction site and almost lands in fire]
• SpongeBob: Ahhh! [jumps in a crane, saves Patrick, and drags him back to his home] Here we are! Home safe home! And nothing happened to the card.
• Patrick: Good job, SpongeBob. Now let me just get my keys. [pulls out an ice cream cone] Nope. [pulls out a key] There ya are. I knew you were in there somewhere.
• SpongeBob: The super-rare and priceless Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy trading card! Patrick, where is it? Where is it?! Dear Neptune! You didn't put it in your pocket, did you?! It's getting all bent up! Bent up! [wailing] Bent up! Bent up! Bent, bent, bent, bent up!
• Patrick: Sheesh. Don't get your pants up in a square knot, SpongeBob. I don't even believe in pockets. I keep everything I need right here. [a bunch of stuff is shown in his back] In the folds of my back fat. [pulls card out of his back] You seem to be pretty fond of this little thing. Why don't ya just keep it?
• SpongeBob: You mean... [sniffles] you'd give me your most valuable possession?
• Patrick: I'd give you my most valuable possession? [they hug]
• SpongeBob: You're the best pal ever.
• Patrick: I'm the best pal ever! But can you do me one favor?
• SpongeBob: Sure, pal. Anything for you.
• Patrick: Do you mind if I hold on to it, just for today?
• SpongeBob: Um... sure, Patrick.
• Patrick: Well, good. 'Cause my landlord changed the lock again. [is about to touch the card on his rock but SpongeBob grabs his arm]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, wait! Let me call a locksmith.
• Patrick: Oh, I don't need any old locksmith. [starts picking the lock with the card]
• SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick? Patrick? Patrick! Don't ya think maybe... that you shouldn't...
• Patrick: Ugh! [his rock opens up] Man! This card is fantastic! [his stomach growls] Breaking and entering sure makes a fella hungry. Hey, why don't we eat some dinner? And then I'll give you your card. [gets a barbecue grill] Ew! This barbecue's really filthy. Oh, but this'll take care of it.
• SpongeBob: No, Patrick, uh, wait! Allow me to clean it!
• Patrick: Now, now, SpongeBob I know you wanna help, but you're my guest. [scrapes the grill with the talking card] There. Nice and shiny! [SpongeBob's lips quiver and his eyes are wide with shock. Patrick uses a coral stick to scrape the card like a match. As the card smokes, Patrick blows the card and it's lit on fire. He burns the charcoal rocks with it. Close up on SpongeBob's eyes as he sees the card burning as a fire alarm ringing sound is heard in the background]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, the card! It's on fire!
• Patrick: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll take care of it. [as he hawks up, he spits on the card, putting out the fire] There! Good as new!
• SpongeBob: [as he sees the saliva on the card] Ew.
• Patrick: [flips burgers with the card] Dinner, is served. [serves two cheeseburgers on the card. As Patrick eats his burger, SpongeBob gets his burger, but the melted cheese is stuck to the card, so he pulls it off, getting cheese on it. A bubble in the cheese bulges, and then pops, destroying the card's talking feature]
• Mermaid Man: [garbled as the card is getting ready to break] More cards...
• Patrick: [burps, then sighs] Oh, that hit the spot! Pardon me. [wipes his face with the card like a napkin, getting cheese all over it] Hey, look at that! [the sun sets below the horizon in the distance] Sundown already? Well, you can have your card now. I hope you get as much use out of it as I have.
• [SpongeBob whines over his card as it starts to short circuit.]
• Mermaid Man: Zzbbb... more cards... [the card disintegrates into a pile of black dust on SpongeBob's hand as the music from the card warps down]
• SpongeBob: Ohh, it's ruined! [starts to cry. His eyes blow tears out, and he runs away crying as the tears rain down on Patrick]
• Patrick: [walks up to his friend] SpongeBob, what's wrong?
• SpongeBob: [sniffles] Now I'll never have Mermaid Man card #54, the special talking one!
• Patrick: [puts a comforting arm around SpongeBob] Aw... sure you will.
• SpongeBob: No. No! I spent all my money, and... [gasps] and... [gasps] and... you bought the last pack! So there's no more left in all of Bikini Bottom.
• Patrick: Well, what about these?
• [Patrick reaches into his pants and pulls out four trading cards; they are all the remaining copies of #54 to SpongeBob's surprise.]
• Voice: Mermaid Man says... [four fists punch four Barnacle Boys on the four cards]
• Mermaid Man: Buy more cards! (x4)
• SpongeBob: [whispers in surprise] Number 54! Patrick, where did you get these?!
• Patrick: Well, that one pack I bought was filled with 'em!
• SpongeBob: [makes one last sniffle as he stops crying] May I... have one?
• Patrick: [pats SpongeBob] They're all yours, buddy. See ya tomorrow.
• SpongeBob: [happy as he feels better] Wow!
• Patrick: Oh! Hey, SpongeBob? Can I borrow one of those cards? [points to his rock] I locked myself out of my house again. [the episode ends]