Spoiler alert! Warning! This article contains spoilers of an episode that has recently aired in the United Kingdom and Ireland. Do not continue reading if you wish not to be spoiled.

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The SquarePants Method" from season 17, which aired on TBA.

• [The episode begins at another beautiful day at the Krusty Krab.]
• Mr. Krabs: [comes out of his office after making an important phone call] Great news, Mr. Squidward! I've found a way to make even more money for me restaurant!
• Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh, I can hardly contain my joy.
• SpongeBob: [comes sailing in on a boat] Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Additional revenue streams? Hooray!
• Mr. Krabs: That's right! I'm renting out the Krusty Krab for a movie location!
• Squidward: Pfft! Movies are pablum for simple minds.
• SpongeBob: Oh, boy! I love movies! [hugs Squidward]
• Squidward: Mm-hmm...I rest my case. [throws SpongeBob]
• Mr. Krabs: Well, that's good to hear, son. Because the star of the film wants to shadow you.
• SpongeBob: Oh, I already have a shadow. See? [his shadow tap dances and SpongeBob applauds]
• Mr. Krabs: Oh. Well, you're gettin' a second one.
• SpongeBob: [gasps] Shadow, you're getting a brother!
• Mr. Krabs: Marlin Branzino! [holds up a picture of him] He's one of those fancy method actors. He's playin' a frycook and he wants to study you.
• Squidward: Wait! [pushes SpongeBob away] Marlin Branzino? He's the greatest actor in the entire ocean! To prepare for his role in "Woodwinds in the Mist", he spent six months living as an actual clarinet!
• Mr. Krabs: I thought you didn't like movies, Mr. Squidward.
• Squidward: Marlin Branzino doesn't make movies! He makes films...! Oh, you have to let him shadow me, Mr. Krabs! Please! I'll teach him everything I know!
• Mr. Krabs: Sorry, but Mr. Branzino ain't making a movie about cashiers. He only wants SpongeBob. [hears a large crowd cheering outside] And here he comes now!
• [Outside, a large crowd of fans are waiting for Marlin Branzino's arrival just as a large limousine pulls up.]
• Agent: [on the phone] Uh-huh, uh-huh, right, right, right, uh-huh... [gets trampled on by his fellow agents followed by Marlin Branzino] Well, of course. I mean, he's a professional, right? Oh, he wouldn't settle for less.
• [Marlin Branzino exits his limo and signs a bunch of autographs.]
• Flibberty Gibbet: Flibberty Gibbet, substation tattler. Mr. Branzino, just a word. Just a word. Mr. Branzino? Mr.-
• Incidental 66: What a man!
• Mr. Krabs: Places, lads! [SpongeBob and Squidward rush back inside as the famed actor enter the restaurant] Ah, Mr. Branzino, a pleasure to have you in me own restaurant. Would you care purchase a Krabby Patty? We have several very expensive options available.
• Marlin Branzino: Yeah, man, this place is perfect. [sniffs] You can smell the desperation of the lives trapped within these four greasy walls.
• Mr. Krabs: Uh,...thank you? [sniffs his armpit to see if his b.o. offended him]
• [One of Marlin's agents walk up to Mr. Krabs to get him to sign a few documents.]
• Squidward: [anxiously gnawing on his cashier boat] Mr. Branzino! It is an honor to have someone of your talent here. Is there anything I can get you? You look cold. Would you like my shirt? I don't need it. It's not even my color. [tries to take off his shirt, but Marlin's bodyguards grab him and escort him out the door like a deranged maniac] Huh?! Oh, no! Please, Marlin! Can I get an autograph?! A lock of hair?! A used tissue! Anything! I- [screams as he gets thrown out by Marlin's bodyguards]
• Mr. Krabs: [signs the documents] Uh, sorry about that. Hard to find good help, you know. Why don't we just go to the kitchen, and I can introduce you to me frycook? [takes Marlin to the kitchen where SpongeBob is cooking up Krabby Patties]
• SpongeBob: Hey, there.
• Marlin Branzino: Oh, man, look at you! So real! So authentic! So,.. yellow! [studies SpongeBob's frycooking] Every move you make is so smooth. A lifetime of drudgery. Repeated and perfected and still, it's art!
• SpongeBob: Well, I do love to drudge.
• Marlin Branzino: This is the truth I've been seeking. Please! You must let me study under you! I have to learn everything about being a frycook!
• SpongeBob: Oh, you want the deep dive, huh? Well, my job extends far beyond the kitchen. Prepare yourself. Things are about to get pretty cool.
• [A montage shows SpongeBob teaching Marlin Branzino the basics of his work environment. He starts by showing him how to mop up the floor, then clean the toilets, and then throw out the garbage.]
• SpongeBob: Okay. You've learned everything else. Now, it's time for the big finish: cooking a Krabby Patty. [puts a patty on the grill] There's gonna be a lot of information coming at you pretty quick. So, feel free to take notes. [prepares a patty during his demonstration] Cook the patty. Put it on the bun. Add the toppings. And don't forget the other bun. And that's it!
• Marlin Branzino: Beautfiul. Brilliant! [eats the patty and sighs] Such pathos. I felt every second of that patty. You know what I mean?
• SpongeBob: No, not really. Now, you try!
• Marlin Branzino: [prepares a patty like SpongeBob did] Cook the patty. Put it on the bun. Add the toppings. Don't forget the other bun.
• SpongeBob: Great! You're a natural! [prepares to leave] Okay, that's the end of the day. So,-
• Marlin Branzino: Uh, I don't know. I did it, but it felt empty. Uh, can I go again from the top?
• SpongeBob: Uh, I guess so.
• French narrator: [reading timecard] 7 hours later...
• Marlin Branzino: [puts the bun on the patty] There. That's the one! Finally! Authenticity!
• SpongeBob: [feels very tired] Oh, good. [two patties fall out of his eyes] We can finally go home. [heads out the door] 'Night, Marlin. [leaves for home]
• [Cut to the next morning.]
• SpongeBob: [enters the restaurant well rested] I'm ready! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! Good morning, Squidward! [blows a kiss at Squidward]
• Squidward: [feels the kiss on his head] SpongeBob! Wait a minute. How are you out here? I thought you were in the kitchen cooking all morning.
• Marlin Branzino: [rings the bell] Order up! [reveals himself in a SpongeBob costume] Oh, there you are, Squidward! Better get that order out to the customer! I've got lots more tasty Krabby Patties on the grill!
• Squidward: [horrified] Oh, no. It's...
• SpongeBob and Marlin: Two SpongeBobs! [laughing]
• Squidward: Oh, I should've known you'd find a way to ruin my favorite actor. [gets slammed in the face by the door]
• [In the process, filmmakers and the movie director walk in with equipment.]
• Director: Alright, I want cameras there, there, and there. Let's get some lights up on the back wall. And someone tell set deck to put up some posters or something. This place is a little too depressing.
• Mr. Krabs: [comes out of his office] Ah, Mr. Director! Welcome! I really appreciate the money you paid to be here.
• Director: Yeah, thanks. Hey, you mind if we run some cable through this wall?
• Mr. Krabs: Ooh! Uh, I don't... [but Howard Blandy comes in and gives him a case full of cash] Mind at all! In fact, allow me. [punches a hole through the wall with his fist]
• [The cablewoman goes to install some cable through the hole in the wall.]
• SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Director, sir, can I watch you make your movie?
• Director: Well, okay, but only because you're the perfect height to hold my coffee.
• SpongeBob: [laughs as he holds the director's coffee while watching the film making]
• Director: Alright, let's get the cameras rolling. And...action!
• [The filmmaker claps her clapperboard, and they begin filming the movie.]
• Marlin Branzino: [acts as SpongeBob in his movie] Every morning, I come to work in the same kitchen. [puts on his hairnet] I wear the same hairnet. I cook on the same grill. [puts a patty on the grill] Some people say I've wasted my life that I wallowed in the pit of drudgery. [prepares a perfect Krabby Patty] Well, I say I love to drudge. I say a life lived in the pursuit of perfection isn't a life wasted. I say... [rings the bell] Order up! [laughs like SpongeBob]
• Director: Cut!
• [The filmmakers cut the movie and applaud for Marlin's performance.]
• Director: Marlin, baby, you nailed it! That was perfect.
• Marlin Branzino: Yeah. [takes off his contacts and gives them to Limia] I'll be in my trailer.
• Director: Alright, let's move on to the big FX shot! Everyone, clear the set!
• [The filmmakers leave and prepare for the next scene of the movie.]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, should we clear too?
• Mr. Krabs: [gleefully giggles while rolling around on a pile of money] Pipe down, boy-o! I'm trying to enjoy me movie money! [giggles as he continues rolling around]
• [Outside, the filmmakers place dynamites around the Krusty Krab.]
• Director: Action!
• [The filmmakers blow up the restaurant, leaving Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and SpongeBob charred to a crisp.]
• Director: Cut and print! Let's go, people! [gives the Krusty Krew free tickets] Here's three tickets to the movie premiere. Thanks for being part of the magic.
• SpongeBob: Well, at least the movie will be good advertising for the Krusty Krab, right?
• Squidward and Mr. Krabs: [groan in pain and disintegrate into ashes]
• French narrator: [reading timecard] 2 to 3 years of post-production later...
• [The big movie premiere is finally here! A large crowd of people are lining up at the theater, waiting to see it. Mr. Krabs and Squidward are amongst the audience sitting with several familiar Bottomites.]
• SpongeBob: [comes in wearing a big Krabby Patty hat and 3D glasses and carrying popcorn and soda] Uh, pardon me. Whoops. Pardon me. Pardon me. [takes his seat and sips some soda]
• [The movie starts with some opening titles, and it begins with the opening shot of the Krusty Krab.]
• SpongeBob: [gasps] Mr. Krabs, there it is!
• Squidward and Mr. Krabs: Shhh!
• Marlin Branzino: [rings the bell] Order up! [laughs]
• [Just then, the restaurant gets crushed by two giant robots consisting of Robot Mantis and an Optimus Prime lookalike as they emerge from the sky and begin battling each other.]
• SpongeBob: [excited] Wow! This movie is incredible!
• Squidward: [angrily] This movie is garbage!
• Mr. Krabs: [angrily] This movie is over! [walk out in a huff with Squidward] Come on! [grabs SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Aww! But I wanna see if the robots fall in love!
• [The two robots kiss in the film right when the Krusty Krew walk out of the theater.]
• Mr. Krabs: I can't believe it. They blew me restaurant up at the very first scene! They couldn't even see the sign! [grumbling] Oh, what a ripoff.
• Squidward: How did I ever admire that lousy hack, Marlin Branzino?
• SpongeBob: Hey, Marlin! Here for the big premiere?
• Marlin Branzino: No way, man. I never watch myself on the screen. I'm here to start practicing for my next role as... [digs into his briefcase and dresses himself as Squidward] an annoying cashier! [plays the clarinet horribly like Squidward does]
• Squidward: [gets creeped out by Marlin's costume, screams and runs away from him]
• Marlin Branzino: [chases after him] Please! Give me your wisdom! One of your old magazines? A used doily? Anything?
• Director: And... cut! Beautiful! Print it. That's a wrap.