Ugh/transcript — spongebob

	"Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's 'stolen Krabby Patties.'" This transcript is in need of repair. Please help Encyclopedia SpongeBobia by fixing this transcript. Please remove this message when finished.

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Ugh" from season 3, which aired on March 5, 2004.

[As the screen pans across live-action houses of California, French Narrator introduces the episode's setting.]
French Narrator: It's time for another SpongeBob SquarePants special, but it's not an ordinary special, [cut to outside Patchy's house] because today we go to Encino, California, as it was... [lightning flashes and the houses are replaced by caves. It's smoggy, there are loads of plants and trees, and a volcano in the distance] ...one hundred million years ago. So prepare yourself for... [cut to a screen reading "SpongeBob B.C."] SpongeBob SquarePants B.C.! [stone text drops reading: 'Before Comedy'] (Before Comedy.) [cut to a still frame of Patchy and Potty] With your host, Patchy the Pirate!
[Audience cheers and applauds. Zoom inside the stone house. Inside are all the creature comforts of a normal home, but de-modernized. Patchy, in leopard garb, comes in riding a paper-mache dinosaur.]
Patchy: Yee-haw! Hey kids! Now, you're probably wondering, "Hmm, what's Patchy doing in a cave?" good question, you little... [grumbles to self. The dinosaur walks over to a wall where there a cave drawings of Sponge and jellyfish] Well, it's because today's SpongeBob takes place in prehistoric times [cut to the drawing of Sponge with a stick and jellyfish] ...back when man struggled for survival [pan over to show a dinosaur eating Pat and Sponge running away] and dinosaurs ruled the Earth. [the dinosaur walks back into the middle of the room] Isn't that right, Bronty? But I'm riding you now! [laughs]
[Pan out to reveal Patchy is wearing the dinosaur like an inner tube, and Patchy struggles to get out of it.]
Patchy: It's stuck. [he falls over on his side and screams for aide] Get me out! Help, help!
[Two stagehands run over to him. Cut to a "Please Stand By" screen. Soon, Patchy is up, without the dinosaur.]
Patchy: Like I was saying, prehistoric times were the greatest. [cut to black-and-white footage of cavemen] It was a simpler time [cut to a picture of a caveman with a finger up his nose] with simpler pleasures. [cut to Patchy, holding up two robes, identical to each other and the one Patchy is wearing] Your clothes always matched. [cut to Patchy with a paintbrush] You could draw on the walls and nobody'd yell at ya. [picks up a giant club] It was much easier to hit a baseball! [sits down on the couch] Oh yeah, prehistoric times were the best. [gasps] Hey kids! Are those pterodactyl wings I hear 'a flappin'? I think I know who that is! Please welcome the Potty-dactyl!
[Potty flies in, but has a head visor and jet pack on]
Potty: [squawk] Sorry I'm late.
Patchy: Potty, why aren't you wearing your costume? [picks up the pterodactyl costume] I stayed up all night making it.
Potty: [squawk] You're wasting your time, old man. Prehistoric stuff is lame. Everybody knows the future's where it's at.
Patchy: What?! [laughs nervously] That's not true! Don't mind him, folks. Why even SpongeBob SquarePants knows that prehistoric stuff is, what the kids say, [air quotes] cool.
Potty: [squawk] No, he doesn't.
Patchy: Yes, he does.
Potty: Nope.
Patchy: He most certainly does.
Potty: No, he doesn't.
Patchy: [frustrated] Yes, he does!
Potty: No.
Patchy: [angry] I know for a fact that he does!
Potty: ...not.
[Patchy grunts in anger]
French Narrator: Meanwhile.
[Cut to SpongeBob at the grill, all nervous. Krabs busts in.]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! What's wrong?!
SpongeBob: I don't know, Mr. Krabs, but I've got this strangest feeling that somewhere a pirate and parrot are arguing about me. [close-up on SpongeBob] And the parrot is winning.
[Cut back to Patchy and Potty]
Patchy: Does.
Potty: Doesn't.
Patchy: Does.
Potty: Doesn't.
Patchy: Does.
Potty: Doesn't.
Patchy: Does! Uh, look, while we're arguing, why don't you folks go ahead and watch some prehistoric SpongeBob! Roll the cartoon! ...does.
Potty: Doesn't.
[Patchy fumes. The opening title screens, which before were blue and luscious with plants and shells, are now gray with fossils. Episode starts. We see the Bikini Atoll Island as we often do at the beginnings of episodes. But this time, it is a prehistoric island with murky water and foggy skies. A pterodactyl flies over the island.]
French Narrator: Ah, dawn breaks over the primordial sea. [We submerge into the prehistoric Pacific ocean to see a muddy swamp] It's here that millions of years ago, life began taking its first clumsy steps out of the darkness, opening its newly-formed eyeballs to stare into the blinding light of intelligence, in order to- Umm... never mind. This happened a long time ago.
[We pan over to prehistoric Conch street, where three houses similar to SpongeBob's pineapple, Patrick's rock, and Squidward's Easter Island Head, except SpongeBob's house has a fern growing out of the top, Squidward's is more like a monkey-shaped head, and Patrick's has no bamboo weathervane. These are prehistoric homes to the three's cavemen ancestors. In caveman SpongeBob's house, it is one large, empty room with cave drawings of him jellyfishing on the walls and rocks and bones on a shelf above his blanket, which he sleeps under. Back outside, a giant purple dinosaur fish wakes up under a beam of sunlight to gurgle out a call similar to SpongeBob's foghorn alarm clock. The sound waves cause the rock to rattle off a shelf and it falls on the prehistoric sponge's head. Alarmed, Sponge shrieks, but calms down when he notices the rock. He laughs and shoves the rock back on the shelf. He then takes his hide blanket from on the floor and puts it on as a pair of caveman pants. He puts one arm through a sleeve and walks outside of his pineapple, dragging a vine behind him.]
SpongeGar: Banooga ready! Tabonga, Gary.
Prehistoric Gary: Meow.
SpongeGar: Gary! Tabonga!
[SpongeGar walks into the clearing with the vine, and we that it's a leash and he's walking a dinosnail Gary.]
Prehistoric Gary: Meow.
[Prehistoric Gary leaves behind a long trail of slime. SpongeGar and Gary walk past the primitive tiki lair that holds prehistoric Squidward, who looks out the window to see a path of blue slime on his path.]
Squog: Huh? Grrr...
[Squog is about to walk outside, but stops]
Squog: [in clear English] Wait a minute...
[He imagines himself babbling in anger at Prehistoric Gary, and Prehistoric Gary uses his eyes to smash him into a splattered octopus. Squog raises himself but Prehistoric Gary simply smashes him some more than he jumps over his crushed body and slithers away.]
Squog: Hmm...
[Squog runs over and picks up two clubs. He debates with himself over which one to use. He takes the bigger one and walks out chuckling. The club left behind cries. Squog approaches SpongeGar and Gary, who are out in the clearing]
Squog: SpongeGar! SpongeGar! Manaka! No tabonga Gary pooga!
[Prehistoric Gary rolls his eyes and slithers away as Squog displays a small pile of snail slime and points to his front walkway, covered in the snail goop]
Squog: Tabonga as a go o saila! Tabonga doo. Tabonga doo!
SpongeGar: Tabonga doo? Hmm... Tabonga doo...
[Squog fumes and stamps off, but slips on the snail slime, sliding as if on a "Slip 'n' Slide," screaming for SpongeGar's help. But SpongeGar is too busy pondering the meaning of Squog's demand. Squog slams into caveman Patrick's rock, which opens, revealing Patrick's ancestor sticking to the underside of it as Patrick often does.]
Patar: Patar!
[Patar walks over to Squog, who is covered in snail slime, but not sliding any longer.]
Patar: Hmm... Yuck! [sniffs his slime coating] Blecch! [tastes some of the slime cautiously] Blecch!
[Patar takes out a salt shaker and adds some salt to the slime and tastes it again. This time it appears to be somewhat palatable, and he is satisfied, giving two thumbs up]
Patar: Mowonga!
[Squog gets angry and shakes the slime off himself.]
Squog: Patar! Grrr...
Patar: Squog! [laughs and hugs him] Patar unga Squog!
[Patar squeezes Squog so tightly, that the veins in his arms pop out, and Squog is slightly strangled]
Patar: Squog.
Squog: [gets strangled even harder] Eeek!
Patar: Squog!
[SpongeGar notices Patar.]
SpongeGar: Patar!
[Patar sees him and lets go of Squog, and Squog passes out onto the ground. The two run up to each other.]
Patar: SpongeGar!
[SpongeGar smiles and hits himself on the head. Patar smiles and punches himself in the face a couple times. SpongeGar pulls out his nose and lets it go, slamming it back into his face. He screams, then stops when his nose comes out of his face and smiles. Patar pulls his lower lip over his head, and it tears off. He screams, then smiles] SpongeGar!
SpongeGar: Patar.
Squog: Pfffffttt!
[Patar and SpongeGar hug]
Squog: SpongeGar and Patar no got malonka palinka. Heh, heh. Palinka...
[Squog about to walk home again, when he slips on the slime trail again, and slides for a moment longer before sliding into his clay monkey head house and crashing into the back wall, where cave paintings of hunters with arrows point at his exposed rear and speaks muffled]
Squog: Wima soe...
[Back in the sand field across from the row of homes, SpongeGar reaches into his pants and pulls out half of a coconut shell with juice inside. He howls in glee. Patar sniffs it. SpongeGar gets a log and pours the liquid into it and blows into a hollow branch sticking out of the top of it, producing a bubble in a hole on the other side of the log. Patar tries to take cover from the bubble, but then sees it pop and realizes it's harmless and that there is no need to protect himself from it. So he claps and howls in delight. Then, clouds appear and it begins to rain. Patar then claps again and the rain stops, and the clouds relocate themselves. Patar smiles. SpongeGar tries his hand at it, but the rain stall. A few moments later, the clouds re-appear and it rains. Both cheer. Patar claps, and the rain ceases once more. The two get excited, and clap excessively. The rain begins, but won't stop. Next, thunder sounds, and the two stop their howling. Patar claps again, but lightning flashes, causing the two to panic. Squog watches them from the second story window in his house.]
Squog: Patar an SpongeGar bawannagog. No pooca Squog. Squog tay taila foo.
[Squog starts to paint when thunder sounds, and lightning strikes the log. Squog looks out his window and gasps to see that the bubble-blowing log has been ignited in flames, and Patar and SpongeGar have been injured by the lightning]
Squog: Patar! SpongeGar!
[Both Patar and SpongeGar get up and run behind a rock, startled. They peek out from behind it to see the fire. SpongeGar, Squog, and Patar slowly approach it, quaking. Squog sniffs it and sticks his hand into it. His hand burns and he takes it out and screams in pain. He sucks his hand afterwards. SpongeGar and Patar put their hands in.]
Both: Huh? Hmmm... Uh-huh, Uh-huh... Ahhh...
[Suddenly, both scream, and flail their charred hands in pain. Then, Patar sniffs his, and recoils from it. Then, he adds salt and gnaws on his hand, then growls and crawls away, thinking that SpongeGar and Squog will eat it. He then gnaws his hand away from SpongeGar and Squog. They don't want it, but they slurp and lick because they're hungry. SpongeGar sees two plants.]
SpongeGar: Fongar!
[As SpongeGar runs over to get the plants, Squog calls him a protozoa.]
Squog: Monga.
[SpongeGar is walking back when he trips and the plants fly into the fire.]
Squog: SpongeGar!
[Squog angrily speaks gibberish. When he's done, he turns to see that Patar is salting his burnt hand. When Patar goes to take a bite of Squog's hand, Squog smashes his head in with a stick.]
Squog: Patar! Chonga!
[Patar crawls away disappointedly. SpongeGar stares at Squog's stick, the two plants in the fire, then the stick again, then the plants, back and forth. We hear mystical music as he looks at the two faster and faster. Then, we see the four live-action singers in barber-shop garb and mustaches. Suddenly, SpongeGar gets an idea.]
SpongeGar: Aha! Squog! Squog! [motions towards the stick] Tooka SpongeGar? Hmm?
[Squog nods happily and hits SpongeGar on the head with the stick.]
SpongeGar: Nah! Nah! Nah!
[SpongeGar slowly impales one of the plants with the stick. He sniffs it and then eats it. He then begins jumping up and down in delight, hooting. Apparently, it tasted good. Squog watches him. Then, SpongeGar offers the other plant to Squog, who hesitantly takes it and eats it.]
Squog: Yumma. [hoots and jumps up and down as SpongeGar watches. He and SpongeGar then shake hands] Taila foo, SpongeGar! Taila foo! [speech bubble with Albert Einstein's face appears as he speaks] SpongeGar na dumbo!
[Later, SpongeGar, Patar, and Squog have a cookout. SpongeGar sticks a marshmallow-like plant through the stick, and roasts it in the fire and eats it. Squog does the same with a piece of coral. Patar toasts a stick and eats it, puncturing his lips.]
SpongeGar: Patar! Uh-uh. Wa SpongeGar!
[Mr. Krabs' ancestor scuttles by]
Prehistoric Krabs: Money! Money! Ooga booga! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Ooga boo... [SpongeGar stomps on him] Agh!
[SpongeGar takes Patar's stick, and impales Prehistoric Krabs.]
[Patar takes the stick, puts it in the fire, and then eats it. He burps. The three jump up and down hooting and hollering. The scene freezes.]
French Narrator: Hooray. It looks like our prehistoric pals have just discovered fire, but they will soon learn that when you play with fire, you may get burned. Stay tuned.
[Cut back to Patchy, who is laughing hysterically]
Patchy: I told you prehistoric times were fun! Hey! How's about I teach you kids how a caveman makes a fire with [holds up two sticks] two sticks? [rubs them together] Yeah... Doesn't get any cooler than that, huh? Chalk one up for Patchy!
[An 'I' is chalked up on the wall below a sign reading 'Prehistory']
Patchy: Rubbing... [he pants. Nothing is happening, and he eventually gives up] I guess this is a type of wood that doesn't burn.
[A laser shoots through and lights the two sticks on fire, startling Patchy.]
Patchy: [annoyed] Potty!
[We see Potty with a laser cannon on his back.]
Potty: [squawk] Laser technology. Score one for the future.
[Cut to the digital screen next to the prehistory chalk labeled 'The Future.' The score goes from '00' to '01']
Patchy: Well, I have something that you'll never find in your little [air quotes] future: a real live caveman. Hmm...
[A real-life caveman walks in from behind]
Patchy: Hey, there he is! Come on in, big troglodyte fella. Come on...
[The caveman is very slowly approaching.]
Patchy: You see, kids, I found him frozen in a block of ice and then I spent three days thawing him out with my mom's hair dryer. I call him Cavey.
[The caveman approaches the camera, and recoils in horror.]
Patchy: [chuckles] Isn't he something? It's OK, Cavey.
[Another 'I' is chalked up for 'Prehistory']
Potty: That's nothing, old timer. Make way for the future.
[A door swings up and a robot enters the room.]
Robot: Greetings. I am the X-29488. How may I serve you?
['The Future' score goes from '01' to '02']
Patchy: Where do you keep gettin' all this stuff?!
Potty: Never you mind, pops. Let's go see what Cavey thinks. [squawks]
[Cavey slowly approaches the robot, and touches it. The robot's eyes start flashing red. A siren goes off.]
Robot: Attack! Attack!
[Cavey starts to run off and the robot gives slow chase, shooting lasers at him. For every shot, 'The Future' score keeps going up]
Patchy: Potty! You're ruinin' me caveman show!
Robot: Attack! Attack!
[The robot continues to shoot lasers. Cut to the exterior, which is rumbling]
French Narrator: Will Patchy ever get control of the special? [cut to SpongeGar, mesmerized by the fire] What will SpongeBob do with fire? [cut to the SpongeBob B.C. screen] Stay tuned to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. and find out!
[Fades on a black screen. Plays commercial break (if applicable). Cut back to Patchy's cave house, the house still rumbling.]
French Narrator: Welcome back to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. Sounds like things have gone from bad to worse for Patchy. Let's watch.
[Inside the cave, the robot is still firing lasers, and Cavey throws a big giant rock at him. Patchy is huddled behind the couch. Potty watches with a soda and popcorn.]
Potty: [squawk] This is great.
Patchy: Ahoy, glad you're back. [ducks a laser] Let's watch the rest of SpongeBob B.C. while I get things straightened out around here. Whoa! [ducks as a big giant rock falls on him. He comes up dazed] Or... maybe not. [collapses]
[Cut back to the freeze frame of Sponge, Pat, and Squog]
French Narrator: When we last saw our hungry troglodytes, they just discovered fire. How long will it take for them to mess it up? Let's see.
[Scene continues as SpongeGar, Patar, and Squog continue to jump up and down hooting. They all run off. Sponge impales some long grass, toasts them, and eats them. Squog impales some primitive flowers and leaves, toasts them, and takes a bit out of them. Patar impales his loincloth, toasts that, and eats it. He burps up a charred piece and wipes his mouth with it, and then eats it. The three continue to find things to eat. SpongeGar twirls up some vines on the stick, toasts it, and slurps it up. Squog puts some rocks in a pan, toasts it, and it becomes popcorn. He eats some. Patar lifts up a rock, and a bunch of Prehistoric Krabs, all yelling, "Money," crawl out. Patar drools. SpongeGar draws a circle in the sand, impales it, and lifts it, revealing a sand Krabby Patty. He toasts it. Cut to the three chewing vigorously. They all continue to eat, and they burp.]
Squog: Bolapa.
[Soon, Squog, SpongeGar, and Patar continue to run off, get something, toast it, and eat it. Over and over and over and over and over and over again, until eventually, they are on the ground, now much fatter, and satisfied. They all yawn and get up.]
Squog: Ganoga, Patar. Ganoga, SpongeGar.
Patar: Ganoga, Squog. Ganoga, SpongeGar.
SpongeGar: Ganoga, Squog. Ganoga, Patar.
[The three walk back to their houses, but then halt. The three turn and look at the fire. Squog runs over and picks up the fire]
SpongeGar: No Squog fwee fwee! SpongeGar fwee fwee!
Squog: SpongeGar fagonda!
[SpongeGar shoves Squog. Squog is shocked and sets the log down and shoves him back for revenge. SpongeGar shoves Squog, and Squog whacks him with his club. SpongeGar hits Squog with his own club. The two continue to whack each other with clubs, while Patar retrieves the fire. He hoots excitedly as he runs back to his rock. Patar looks behind him to see if Squog and SpongeGar have caught up, and turns to see SpongeGar and Squog in front of him]
Both: Patar!
[Patar screams, throwing the log into the air, where it stays. Squog is about to catch it when SpongeGar jumps on Squog's head and takes it instead.]
Squog: Grrr...
[SpongeGar runs off with the log, but Patar takes it, then Squog, then SpongeGar takes Squog by mistake and chuckles nervously when Squog gives him an angry look. Patar takes the log, then Squog again, who is swinging on a vine and smashes face first into a tree. It is then taken by SpongeGar while Squog's unconscious body slides from the tree to the ground. He falls into a trap Patar made and Patar grabs it while it's floating. He then screams in fear when he sees a picture of a monster held up by Squog.]
Squog: Dumbo Patar. Fwee fwee Squog! [picks up the log, then runs back to his house and searches for the key in his pocket. He gets it, but then realizes that the log is gone] Aha. Huh?! Grrr...
[Squog sees SpongeGar running away with it but he falls victim of another Patar trap and drops the log. Patar grabs it and runs off happily]
SpongeGar: Patar! Bawana, Patar! Bawana. [the vine snaps, causing SpongeGar to fall]
Patar: Patar fwee fwee!
[Squog brings his four tentacles out, causing Patar to trip, and the log flies off. Squog chuckles and runs after the log as it rolls away. Patar joins Squog, all chasing the log again]
Squog: Fwee fwee Squog! Fwee fwee Squog!
Patar: Patar fwee fwee!
SpongeGar: SpongeGar fwee fwee!
[The three chase it up a cliff, but the log rolls back down and it chases them]
All: Fwee fwee go bonga!
[They trip over a vine and the log rolls over them. They continue chasing the log. When it stops rolling, they all tug on it]
SpongeGar: SpongeGar fwee fwee!
Squog: Squog fwee fwee!
Patar: Patar fwee fwee!
[The fire is suddenly extinguished by more rain. They all sit on the ground.]
SpongeGar: Patar?
Patar: SpongeGar?
SpongeGar: Oh, Patar...
Patar: Oh, SpongeGar...
[SpongeGar and Patar hug and cry.]
Squog: Sutaka jakasa! [pulls out his club, but is struck by lightning. He falls to the ground and gets black, charred and weakly voice in white inside mouth.] ...Tabanga do.
[SpongeGar and Patar roast marshmallows over Squog.]
French Narrator: Perhaps certain events in history are better left untold.
[Cut back to Patchy, depressed sitting on his front step.]
Patchy: Now I know how Squidward feels...
[Potty comes in to see Patchy.]
Potty: [squawk] Why the long face?
Patchy: I think you know perfectly well, you little winged vermin. All I wanted was to show the nice people how great the cavemen were, but all they got was technology-induced chaos!
Potty: Come back inside. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Patchy: You got rid of the robot android cyborg?
Potty: Nope, even better.
[Patchy and Potty arrive inside the cave.]
Patchy: [to Potty] Potty, I guess I really misjudged you... [looks] What the-?!
[Cavey is at a drum set, and the robot is DJ-ing, as strobe lights go off.]
Robot: [singing] When worlds collide.
Potty: Pretty sweet, eh?
Robot: [singing] You can run.
Cavey: [singing] But no can hide!
Robot: [singing] When worlds collide. You'll laugh so hard, you'll swear you've died. When worlds collide. Hold my hand, I'll be your guide. When worlds collide. Buckle... buckle... buckle up for the sweetest ride. And prepare to have your mind blown wide. When worlds collide.
Potty: Yo! Check it out!
Cavey: [singing] When worlds collide, it's a curious thing. Bet you never heard a robot and a caveman sing. In his metal chest are some working parts. How is that different from my beating heart?
Robot: [singing] I'm from the future!
Cavey: [singing] And I'm from the past!
Robot: [singing] But that don't mean this friendship wasn't built to last.
Cavey: [singing] He was made in a lab, and I was born in a cave. So let me hear you holler for this inter-era rave.
Squidward: Future!
Potty: Word.
SpongeTron: I am SpongeTron.
Robot: [singing] You, you, you, you can run.
Cavey: [singing] But no can hide!
Robot: [singing] When worlds collide.
[Patchy shuts his mouth with his hook. The lighting returns to normal.]
Patchy: Well, Potty, I guess you were right. The future is cool.
Potty: Just to show you there's no hard feelings, I got you a present from the prehistoric times.
Patchy: Ooh! What is it? A new loincloth?
Potty: No.
Patchy: An enlarged forehead?
Potty: No. [flies off]
Patchy: Aww, what is it?!
[Potty opens the door, revealing Patchy's present, a T-rex, which growls at him. As Patchy screams, his eyes bug out. Patchy runs out and his present gives chase.]
Patchy: Potty! [continues screaming as he runs off]
[Potty watches from the window, with popcorn and a soda.]
Potty: [squawk] This is great. [eats popcorn]
[Patchy's present grabs him, who screams. Patchy is on his side, his feet inside his present's jaws.]
Patchy: Well, thanks for watching SpongeBob B.C., kids. [waves] Bye! [yells in pain and starts laughing] Now, he's tickling! [laughs again] Cut it out, you rascal! [starts guffawing and the episode ends]