This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Backpay Payback" from season 1, which aired on February 24, 2023.

• [The episode begins with Squidward delivering newspapers to homes throughout the neighborhood.]
• Squidward: ♪ Hey-la-di-di-ta-ta-ta! ♪ [humming. He arrives at a resident's house and rings the doorbell] Delivering the newspaper, ya-ta-ta-ta! [hands the newspaper to the resident]
• Resident #1: [hands the tip to Squidward in return] Thanks, Squidward!
• Squidward: [receives the tip while walking away] Picking up the cash, ya-ta-ta-ta!
• Resident #1: [opens the paper and confetti comes out] Ooh, he remembered my birthday!
• [Squidward tosses a newspaper to the head of another resident, who is watering his front yard.]
• Resident #2: [flicks the tip] Thank you, Squidward!
• Squidward: [catches the second resident's tip and tosses another paper] Looking really cool... [in his shades]
• Resident #3: [catches the paper and flicks the tip] Thanks, Squidward!
• Squidward: [catches the third resident's tip, does some pirouettes, and backward tosses another newspaper between his tentacle legs] Ya-ta-ta-ta!
• Resident #4: Ha! [catches the paper and reads the headlines] Trouble in Shell City? [dresses as a superhero and flicks the tip to Squidward as he glides away] Thanks, Squidward!
• Squidward: [as a guard worm barks at him] Walking down the street, ya-ta-ta-ta! [freaks out as the guard worm lands on top of him, gives him the tip, and kisses his nose. Squidward delivers the newspaper in return] Worm kissed my nose, ya-ta-ta-ta! [approaching the Star family home] This guy never pays, ya-ta-ta-ta. [rings the doorbell]
• Cecil: [answers door] Oh, boy! A newspaper for me?
• Squidward: Huh?
• Cecil: Thanks, paper boy! [takes the newspaper]
• Squidward: [sticks a foot in the door] You still owe me cash! Ya-ta-ta-ta!
• Cecil: I'll hit you back! Ya-ta-ta-ta!
• [Squidward tries entering the door, but Cecil cuts two of his legs off. Squidward steams in anger. He tries to enter the window, but Cecil shuts it and cuts off his left arm as he screams. Squidward tries to enter the door again, but Cecil cuts off his two other tentacles. Cecil opens the window.]
• Squidward: Aha!
• [Squidward reaches in and tries to climb the window, but Cecil shuts the window, pushing Squidward's head outside.]
• Squidward: Typical.
• [Cecil returns the rest of Squidward's body parts, through the front door mail slot, to him]
• Squidward: Huh?
• Cecil: [peeking through the mail slot] I've already seen these sections!
• [Squidward sighs, then uses his tongue to slowly drag his head, along with his unattached body parts, forward. His granny alerts him.]
• Granny Tentacles: Squidward! [his body parts are attached, and Squidward connects his head to his normal position]
• Squidward: Huh?
• Granny Tentacles: [outside her house] Come on, hurry up!
• Cecil: [peeks at Squidward, taps the window, and waves at him] Hi!
• [Squidward looks back at Cecil, who closes the window.]
• Squidward: Aww.
• [He walks back to Granny Tentacles' house.]
• Granny Tentacles: Squidward, you're my favorite grandson.
• [She touches his face. Squidward smiles. Granny Tentacles grabs his nose.]
• Squidward: Ow!
• Granny Tentacles: Probably 'cause you're my only grandson!
• Squidward: What was that?
• Granny Tentacles: Oh, nothing, dear. [shuts the door, showing a "No Junk Mail" sign on it] You can't let Cecil stiff you like that. [spins him into a chair] Remember, my boy, you're a Tentacles! And nobody stiffs a Tentacles. [gives him a book] Just look at your roughneck relatives throughout our family's history. There was your great uncle, [shows a page of the book] Tentacles the Hun.
• Tentacles the Hun: [growls, swings club at Squidward]
• Squidward: Aah! [ducks, his hat bounces off his head]
• Granny Tentacles: And your gangster cousin, [shows page] Teddy "The Sucker" Tentacles.
• [Teddy spits out the pacifier into Squidward's mouth. He sucks it as Granny Tentacles turns the page.]
• Granny Tentacles: Or your great-great-great- grandfather, [shows page] Tentaclees the Serpent Slayer.
• Hydra: [roars]
• Tentaclees: ♪ I slayed a hydra, ya-ta-ta-ta-ta! ♪ [grabs Squidward's nose]
• Granny Tentacles: [slaps Tentaclees' hand away and turns the page] Or look at this rugged young lady.
• [A picture of a younger Granny Tentacles with a rake, standing over a laughing sea cow, is shown.]
• Squidward: Granny, is that you?
• Granny Tentacles: [as her younger self pops out of the book, in unison] You're darn right it's me!
• [Granny Tentacles' younger self pokes Squidward, making him laugh. Granny Tentacles high fives her younger self before she goes back into the book.]
• Granny Tentacles: And I'm going to help you [pokes Squidward's nose] get your money back from that tightwad. [takes his arm and drags him outside]
• Squidward: Oh, thank you, Grand-Mama.
• Granny Tentacles: [muttering] Since you're such a cream puff.
• Squidward: What was that?
• Granny Tentacles: Nothing.
• [Granny Tentacles rings the Stars' doorbell. Cecil answers.]
• Cecil: Yes?
• Granny Tentacles: You owe my grandson money! Now, fork it over, you [grabs Cecil's tie] blue blockhead!
• Cecil: Uh, no thanks. I already didn't give at the office. [cuts his tie off with his fingers] Ooh.
• [Granny Tentacles sticks her foot in the door before Cecil closes it. The door shatters. She grabs Squidward's arm and takes him inside. Cecil runs and pulls a lamp on the wall, making the wall flip around.]
• Cecil: [behind wall] ♪ I've escaped without a trace! ♪
• Granny Tentacles: Now, where did that cheapskate go?
• Squidward: Oh, well. Thanks for trying anyway. Let's go. [walks away, and Granny Tentacles grabs his legs] Ahh!
• Granny Tentacles: We're not leaving until you get your money, you lily-livered--
• Squidward: What was that?
• Granny Tentacles: Nothing.
• [She finds some of Cecil's mustache hairs on the floor.]
• Granny Tentacles: Aha! [shows them to Squidward]
• Squidward: Ew!
• Granny Tentacles: Mustache hairs. [chews on them] And they're still warm. [swallows them] He must be close.
• [Cecil spins around behind the wall.]
• Cecil: ♪ Closer than you think! ♪ [throws some mustache hairs and flips behind the wall again]
• Granny Tentacles: [pounds on wall] Give us that money!
• [Cecil flips the wall around again, knocking them away.]
• Squidward and Granny Tentacles: Ahh!
• [Bunny is unloading the dryer, taking out a pair of heart-patterned underwear. Squidward and Granny Tentacles fly into the dryer, and Bunny unknowingly closes the door on them.]
• Bunny: [humming, walks away]
• Granny Tentacles: [picks up pair of shorts] Hey, there might be some spare change in these pockets.
• [She tries to search them, but the dryer spins. They yell, and when Patrick enters the room, both of them are spit out of the dryer as a fuzz ball.]
• Patrick: Hey! A big fuzz ball!
• [Patrick bounces the ball around with his hand, then his head, then bounces it on his butt, then tosses it into a basket.]
• Patrick: Touchdown!
• [Squidward and Granny Tentacles land in a basket held by a giraffe.]
• Patrick: Whoo-hoo! [yelling] Mom! I won! [smiles, blushes, and leaves the room]
• Granny Tentacles: That kid is even dumber than his father.
• [Squidward and Granny Tentacles laugh. The giraffe shakes the basket and makes them fall.]
• Squidward and Granny Tentacles: Whoa! [grunts]
• Giraffe: [snorts]
• [Cut to the bathroom. A towel moves upright, and Cecil's head peeks out behind it.]
• Cecil: Time for a clean getaway!
• [He moves the towel in front of the bathtub, drops it, then appears in the bath. He turns the shower on, begins gargling the shower water in his mouth, then sticks his tongue out. Cut back to Granny Tentacles walking with Squidward through the house, past the staircase.]
• Granny Tentacles: Now, where would I hide if I was a tightwad?
• Cecil: [singing from upstairs] ♪ No one can find me here in the upstairs bathroom! ♪
• Squidward: I have a hunch he's in the upstairs bathroom. [laughs, gestures to stairs] After you, Granny. [echoing, upshot of the stairs] Granny, Granny, Granny, Granny.
• Granny Tentacles: I'm not climbing those stairs. I'm a little old lady.
• Squidward: Well, then how are we gonna-- [Granny Tentacles grabs his neck] ahh! [she turns him upside down, rides on him, and spins his tentacles like a propellor] Whoa! [engine revving] Aaah!
• [They land upstairs. Granny Tentacles laughs. Squidward's neck is bent.]
• Squidward: [fixes neck, annoyed] I wish you would tell me before you do stuff like that.
• Granny Tentacles: Sorry, dear. [aside] You big baby.
• Squidward: [accusing] What was that?
• Granny Tentacles: Nothing. Now, get ready to get paid!
• [They go into the bathroom. Cecil is showering.]
• Cecil: ♪ Shower, shower, la, la, la, la, la! ♪
• [Squidward pulls back the shower curtain. Granny Tentacles tries to attack Cecil with a toilet brush, but he has disappeared.]
• Granny Tentacles: Ha-ha!
• Squidward: Huh?
• Cecil: [disappearing down shower drain] ♪ You'll never catch meee! ♪
• Squidward: Why, that slippery simpleton!
• Granny Tentacles: Quick! [points downstairs] Let's get downstairs and head him off!
• [They try to leave, but run into Tinkle.]
• Squidward and Granny Tentacles: Ahh!
• Tinkle: [growling]
• Squidward: [nervously] Nice toilet. Good boy. [scared] Granny, don't let the toilet hurt me!
• [Tinkle jumps onto Squidward and seems to be attacking him. However, he is actually licking him affectionately.]
• Granny Tentacles: Aww. He likes you. Isn't that sweet?
• Squidward: No! It's unsanitary!
• Granny Tentacles: Ah, let's go get your money. Come on! Shake a leg!
• [Tinkle bites Squidward's legs. He detaches one of them.]
• Squidward: And that's why Neptune gives us four. [shuts the door, wobbles slightly as he walks]
• [The light in GrandPat's room detaches as Cecil crawls through it. Cecil lands in front of GrandPat.]
• Cecil: Dad, you got to help me. Granny Tentacles is after me, and--
• GrandPat: [puts his hand on Cecil's mouth] Tut-tut, son. I heard all about it. [takes out his ears] And my ears didn't like what they heard.
• [His ears whimper and fly away like a butterfly. Cecil tries to shoo it away.]
• GrandPat: The Star family comes from a long line of cheap, unpaying skinflints. [shoves a book in Cecil's face] Throughout history, [shows pages of Squidward lookalikes chasing Patrick lookalikes through the ages] the stingy Stars have never ever paid for a newspaper delivered by a Tentacle. It's a proud tradition.
• [The Patrick and Squidward lookalikes from the last page jump out and run away.]
• Squidward lookalike: You owe me money!
• [Cecil closes the book over them.]
• Cecil: [profoundly] A skinflint, huh? So that's what I am.
• GrandPat: You're darn right. But Granny Tentacles isn't gonna quit until she gets what she wants. I ought to know; she's my girlfriend. [chicken gobbles]
• Cecil: What was that?
• GrandPat: Nothing, nothing.
• Cecil: We need to come up with a plan to get rid of them! [points to forehead] Let's put our brains together.
• [Cecil and GrandPat both open up their heads, take out their brains, and smash them together. GrandPat puts them back in his head.]
• GrandPat: I think I have an idea.
• Cecil: [drooling, moaning]
• [Granny Tentacles is unscrewing the screws of a safe with a power drill.]
• Granny Tentacles: Maybe there's some money in here. [gasps]
• Cecil: [off-screen] Oh, Tentacles! Come get your money!
• [Granny Tentacles and Squidward run after him like dogs. The safe opens, and money pours out.]
• Granny Tentacles: All right, Scrooge, where's the cash?
• Cecil: I'm not paying for this newspaper. [smacks it against the wall and the letters fall off, shows empty pages] There's no ink on it!
• Granny Tentacles: [inhales deeply, sprays ink out of her nose and onto the paper, showing a new headline.]
• Paperboy: [on paper] Extra, extra! Skinflint Star won't pay paperboy!
• Granny Tentacles: It's got ink now. [yelling] Pay him!
• Cecil: [cowering] No, no. Please don't hurt me. [pointing] Your money's over there.
• [There is a pile of money on the table.]
• Squidward and Granny Tentacles: Huh?
• [Cecil runs off. They go to the money.]
• Squidward: Oh, I can't believe it. Five years of [takes the money] unpaid newspaper money. [cries tears of happiness] Oh, thank you, Grand-Mama, thank you. Oh-ho-ho, thank you! [his tears make the money disintegrate] Hey, the money is melting. [tries to grab the money] It's made of papier-mâché. [sobbing, melts the table]
• Granny Tentacles: Something smells fishy [foghorn sounds] around here.
• Realistic Fish Head: [slides by as a foghorn blares] I wonder why?
• Granny Tentacles: Here, cry on that. [squishes Squidward's head]
• Squidward: [cries, tears melt the couch]
• Granny Tentacles: And that too! [squishes Squidward's head]
• Squidward: [cries, tears melt the TV]
• Granny Tentacles: [as the house melts] What? Everything's made of papier-mâché!
• [GrandPat and Cecil are standing outside, melting their papier-mâché house with a water hose.]
• GrandPat: You can't shakedown a Star! You hear me, you paper-pushing Tentacles?
• Granny Tentacles: [admirably] Cecil may be a dope, but GrandPat is one smart pierogi. That's why he's Granny's little [raises her eyebrows] sugarpants.
• Squidward: What was that?
• Granny Tentacles: [waves to GrandPat through the window as he waves back] Nothing, dear.
• Squidward: Oh. [folds arms]
• [The walls begin melting.]
• Granny Tentacles: Whoa! The whole place is collapsing! [yelling] Run for it! Aaah!
• Granny Tentacles and Squidward: [yelling]
• Cecil: ♪ Dad, we're a genius! ♪
• GrandPat and Cecil: [laughing]
• [As the house melts, it leans towards them.]
• GrandPat: Huh? Uh-oh.
• Cecil: Uh, Dad?
• GrandPat: Y-yeah, son?
• Cecil: I think we'd better run.
• GrandPat: Good idea, son. Like your great-great-great-grandfather always used to say, [the shadow of the house looms over them] "Look out! There's a house falling on you."
• [The papier-mâché house collapses into a ball and rolls on them, covering GrandPat and Cecil. A kid in a steamroller comes by and paves them into the road. When it's done, a newspaper is left behind. Squidina runs out of the house.]
• Squidina: Ooh, look! A free newspaper. With comic strips!
• [Squidina reads the comic. It's a recreation of the start of the episode.]
• Squidina: "Mr. Star and the Paper Boy." Ooh, my favorite. [giggles] That dopey paperboy is never gonna get his money from that cheapskate.
• Patrick: [in a comic panel] It's funny because it's true!
• [Squidina giggles, folds the newspaper into a hat and wears it. On two panels, Granny Tentacles is chasing Squidward.]
• Granny Tentacles: Don't listen to that nincompoop. I'll get your money!
• Squidward: I know you will, Granny. [under his breath] In a pig's eye.
• Granny Tentacles: What was that?
• Squidward: Nothing, ♪ ya-ta-ta-ta-ta! ♪