This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "House Hunting" from season 1, which aired on March 3, 2023.

• [After the title card, a 1930s-style cartoon is shown. We see the kingdom of Hamdonia, with its residents marching in a parade.]
• Princess Ham Hock: Ahh, ooh. [giggles and claps]
• King Porkchop: Well, Princess Ham Hock, enjoying the spring porkquinox festival?
• Princess Ham Hock: Yes, Father. I just love singing gravy carols. [a winged slice of bologna lands on her fingers and burps]
• Princess Ham Hock, King Porkchop, Ham Salad Suzie: [laughing]
• Patrick: [ominously, from afar] Leedle leedle lee...
• King Porkchop: Hm?
• Hamdonian: We must have done the ritual wrong!
• Hamdonians: [screaming and panicking]
• Princess Ham Hock: The pointy maw! It has returned! [Patrick's mouth reflects in her eyes]
• [Patrick's mouth ravages the city and bites over a guard.]
• Patrick: Leedle leedle lee...
• [Two knights are seen riding and charging at the mouth.]
• Knights: Back, foul beast!
• [Patrick eats the knights and burps. Princess Ham Hock escapes from the balcony.]
• King Porkchop: Ham kin! Only a sacrifice will appease the pointy mouth of doom! [points down] Guards!
• [Two guards grab a hot dog citizen and drag him away.]
• Hot dog: Eee! Ooh...what? Where are you taking me? [grunting] Ahh!
• [The hot dog is shackled to a seat.]
• Hot dog: [screams]
• Princess Ham Hock: Don't forget the mustard! [splashes mustard on him]
• [Patrick smells the mustard and eats the hot dog. Zoom out to show him behind a puppet theater. A bunch of prisoners and a guard are on the lawn.]
• Patrick: [shaking puppet] Ooh, don't eat me! [bites it, the black border around the theater falls]
• [The house starts shaking.]
• Patrick: Ahh! Whoa!
• Squidina: Whoa, whoa!
• [A bed falls on Patrick.]
• Patrick: Hamquake!
• Squidina: [grabs Patrick and runs away] It's a seaquake! [Patrick grabs a string of sausages]
• [Patrick and Squidina run out of the house. Cecil runs out, as does Bunny holding a basket of laundry.]
• Squidina: [pants, then hugs her video camera] Ohh!
• Patrick: [holds a ham with Ouchie chewing on it, hugs it]
• Cecil: [holds Tinkle, who licks him] Awww!
• [Bunny is holding Cecil, and he licks her.]
• Squidina: [points to house shaking] Hold on, the only thing shaking is our coffee pot!
• Patrick: Huh. Coffee always gives me the jitters.
• [Patrick takes out a cup of coffee, sips it, makes crazy faces, and then droops down.]
• Squidina: Oh, well. At least we all got out in time.
• Patrick: Yeah! [folds arms] Everybody except GrandPat.
• Squidina, Cecil, and Bunny: GrandPat!
• [GrandPat is asleep in his hammock, snoring. Items fall around him as the house shakes.]
• Squidina: GrandPat, get out of the house! It's not safe! [house rises] Ahh!
• [Everyone runs away as the house moves. It clucks and grows chicken legs and a tail. It runs away and knocks over some buildings, running over the horizon.]
• Squidina: Our house! It's running away!
• Bunny: Oh, no! Where will we live?
• Cecil: Where will we sleep?
• Cecil, Bunny, and Patrick: [pause, then] Where will we watch TV!?
• Squidina: Don't worry. We'll track our house down! [she is in Patrick's studio] Activate the mobile studio mobile!
• [She pulls the microphone. The studio grows wheels, the satellite retracts for an antenna, and she sites in the front seat. The rest of the family pull up beside her. The prisoners applaud weakly.]
• Patrick: [points] She went thataway!
• Squidina: Let's ride!
• [She turns on the ignition and pulls the lever back.]
• Steering wheel: The car goes...
• [Squidina honks it. With a very muscular leg, she steps on the gas and drives over the hill. The house stomps through the city and some citizens run away. GrandPat flips around in his hammock, then falls out.]
• GrandPat: [bouncing around the house] My goofball family must be doing their disco yoga exercises again. [bounces into bathroom] Oh, well. Better start the day.
• House: [clucking]
• [GrandPat tries to put toothpaste on his toothbrush, but slides around the house. He ends up with a toothpaste haircut styled like Elvis. The house stomps a car and a bus drives by. GrandPat brushes his teeth by holding the toothbrush flat as he shakes in front of it. The house jumps upside down, then dislodges itself from a hole and stumbles backwards. GrandPat floats in mid-air as the house spins, then he spits out the window and into a driving catfish's face.]
• Catfish: [crashes, licks it, then] So minty!
• [The studio mobile drives towards the house. A black sedan is briefly seen driving at the intersection. Squidina chases the house down. The house runs into a store called The Large Box. Inside, Bubble Bass is watching Larry on a TV as a sales associate stands next to him.]
• Bubble Bass: Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [an "HD" display shows Larry as a live-action lobster] Don't you have any bigger TVs?
• [The house stomps on the TV. The studio mobile drives in, crushing Bubble Bass.]
• Patrick: [gasping]
• [A "New" sign falls on the studio mobile. It drives away.]
• Bubble Bass: I'll take it! [faceplants]
• [The studio mobile drives outside, but the house is nowhere to be found.]
• Cecil: Oh-oh-oh!
• Squidina: No! We lost it!
• Tinkle: [barks]
• Bunny: What is it, Tinkle?
• [Tinkle sniffs ahead and barks.]
• [Patrick is using a telescope, with Ouchie stuck in his eye after he removes it.]
• Bunny: Oh, I think Tinkle has the scent! [points] Follow that toilet!
• [The studio mobile drives into a forest. Tinkle sniffs through some kelp and the family is about to drive over the road to the house. Perch Perkins and a bunch of cyclists drive past them.]
• Patrick: Hey!
• Perch: I'm Perch Perkins at the annual Bikini Bottom race of way too many cyclists!
• [The house starts eating some of the cyclists, who scream.]
• Perch: Not even a giant living house eating fish whole will stop these competitors from-- [gets eaten, screams]
• [Hoopla pedals by with a flag reading "That's It." The family drives forward as the house keeps running away. GrandPat exits the bathroom in a towel, but screams. The cyclists keep driving through the house and chase him downstairs.]
• Perch: The contestants are taking a new course this year!
• [The cyclists come out of a hole in the back of the house, as the studio mobile rotates to avoid them.]
• Perch: [flying away] This is Perch Perkins signing off! [explodes]
• Squidina: You're up, big brother!
• Patrick: [Bunny grabs his shoulders] Uhh... uhh... [he rises from the top of the studio] It's Pat-a-rang time!
• [Bunny bends Patrick like a boomerang and tosses him around the handle of the coffee pot. He has a rope attached to him, which Bunny holds onto. Cecil comes out of the top.]
• Cecil: Nice moves, honey Bunny.
• Bunny: Oh, thank you, cuddle muffin. [slams lid] Mm-hmm. [grunts] Hit the brakes!
• [Squidina shifts into gear and brakes. Two parachutes come out of the studio mobile. The house stops, but it runs around and tangles the studio mobile up in the rope. Patrick ties the rope to the house and runs back into the studio, then gives a thumbs up. The house stands up and runs away, with the studio getting loose. It spins around and hits buildings as pinball sound effects play. The studio ends up in an alley.]
• Squidina: [groans] Huh?
• [The house runs up a tall hotel building.]
• Squidina: [gasps] Our house! Aw, we can't drive up the side of a building!
• Patrick: [takes her seat] Aw, don't worry. We'll take the elevator instead!
• [The black sedan hits the studio mobile out of the way. The studio mobile drives through the wall of a hotel. Fred appears in the elevator, holding a bag of eggs.]
• Fred: [screams] What!?
• [Fred tries to press the elevator buttons. Patrick cackles and drives into him. The eggs are splatted over the elevator.]
• Fred: My eggs!
• [The house gets out of the elevator and spins out at the top. A windshield wiper wipes off Fred and the eggs.]
• Fred: [yelling]
• Patrick: [panting]
• Everyone: Huh!?
• [The house is seated in a nest. A toaster oven flies up to it and nests with it. The family open up the glass on the studio mobile.]
• House: [happy cooing]
• Patrick: Aw, our house is in love with a toaster oven!
• Squidina: Oh, [to camera] it was migrating to find a mate.
• Bunny: Oh, of course. It does this every year!
• Cecil: [pats her shoulder] And every year we forget.
• [The house steams and lays a metal egg. It hatches into a baby coffee pot and toaster oven hybrid.]
• Baby house: [chirps]
• Stars: Awww!
• [The house pours coffee into the baby's mouth.]
• Stars: Ewww! [Squidina covers Patrick's eyes]
• Baby house: [burps, then opens to reveal GrandPat inside lounging in a coffee cup]
• GrandPat: Shut the door! You're letting all the steam out!
• Squidina: Oh, GrandPat! You're okay!
• Bunny: [happily] GrandPat! Come on out of there!
• GrandPat: No way. I finally got my own pad! [to camera] With a caffeinated sauna! Whoo!
• [He shuts the door and the baby house flies into the sun.]
• GrandPat: Ha-ha! Whoo!
• [The family watch as the house flies away.]
• Patrick and Cecil: Dibs on his room! [Cecil speaks slightly later]
• Cecil: Awww... [puts hands in pockets, kicks a rock]
• Bunny: But how do we get the house back home?
• [The house is eating some coffee beans off the ground.]
• Squidina: Hmm. I think I have an idea!
• [Live action coffee beans fall down the screen to show Squidina putting beans on the road, leading the house back to its usual spot.]
• Squidina: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Here, housey-housey! Come get your tasty coffee beans. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
• [The studio mobile drives next to the empty site of the house. The house jumps in and spins around. The prison guard claps and then walks off. The studio mobile spins next to the house and reverts to normal.]
• Patrick: House! [jumps onto the house] Ugh! I'm so glad you're back.
• [A car horn honks.]
• Patrick: Huh?
• [The black sedan drives to the house. King Porkchop, Ham Salad Suzie, and Princess Ham Hock walk out.]
• King Porkchop: My fellow Hamdonians, he is the pointy maw, [other Hamdonians appear behind him] destroyer of our meaty land!
• Patrick: Ooh! Hey, guys! Who wants to get in my mouth first?
• Hamdonians: [growling]
• Princess Ham Hock: [calmly] Get him.
• [Patrick gets worried and gulps. He steps to the side, and the Hamdonians don't move. He does this a few more times. They chase him around the house. The baby house flies in, revealing GrandPat still inside it in the coffee cup.]
• GrandPat: Yahoo!
• [Cut to a "The End" card styled like the episode's title card.]