This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "BassWard" from season 14, which aired on November 23, 2023.

• [The episode begins at the Bikini Bottom Station, a train station, where several people are standing, including Squidward, who has his suitcases.]
• Squidward: Jetsam City, here I come! This is going to be the best weekend ever! [Bubble Bass pushes his belongings on a cart and hits a suitcase out of Squidward's hand] Huh?
• Bubble Bass: Squidward.
• Squidward: [picking up suitcase] Bubble Bass.
• Bubble Bass: Don't tell me you're going to the [adjusts his glasses] Jetsam City comic convention too.
• Squidward: Oh, why would I waste my time on an idiotic comic book convention? I am a man of sophistication. [holds up suitcase] I'm going to the clarinet convention.
• Bubble Bass: Oh, please. [Squidward growls] Talk about a waste of time.
• Squidward: [pokes Bubble Bass] Shows what you know. The lecture on the history of spit valves is worth the price of admission alone.
• Bubble Bass: When I said talk about a waste of time, [crosses his arms] I didn't mean literally.
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: [both scoff]
• [The train arrives at the station.]
• Announcer: All aboard for the train to Jetsam City!
• Squidward: Just stay away from me.
• Bubble Bass: Dit to the O. [both walk forward]
• [Squidward is about to enter the train, but a bunch of people suddenly enter. Squidward pushes backward on them and they all fall over.]
• Squidward: [gets up, groans] Huh? [notices most of the seats are taken, walks ahead] Typical. [approaches a vacant seat]
• Fish: [lands flat on seat] Dibs!
• [Squidward approaches another seemingly vacant seat before a conveyor belt on the seat reveals two people sitting in it.]
• Squidward: [sees a vacant seat, gasps]
• Businessman: [opens suitcase to reveal an identical dummy, imitating dummy] Keep walking, Bucko!
• Squidward: Oh, come on! [spots another empty seat ahead] Oh! [runs to the seat and is about to get into it before Bubble Bass is seen eating from a cup on it] Oh, you! You're taking up two seats!
• Bubble Bass: [takes cup out of mouth] One for each cheek.
• Squidward: Just move over! It's the last seat on the train.
• Bubble Bass: Oh, fine. [scoots over and moves his belly fat]
• Squidward: [sits, crosses tentacles] And don't talk to me.
• Bubble Bass: Mmm! [puts finger in cup and puts in his mouth, then swirls his tongue around, getting food all over Squidward and the seat]
• Squidward: [groans, yelling] It's finished!
• Bubble Bass: Hmph. [tosses cup] Then it appears I need another snack. Huh? [looks behind, gasps] The fondue cart! [jumps in his seat, making it bounce, disturbing Squidward]
• Squidward: [falls back into seat, groans]
• Train attendant: [with fondue cart] Fondue, sir?
• Bubble Bass: One bubbling bowl of melted cheese, please.
• Train attendant: You're in luck, sir. I just made a [holds up fondue bowl] fresh, piping hot batch! What size would you like?
• Bubble Bass: Oh, I brought my [holds up large pot] own fondue pot. Fill it to the rim.
• Train attendant: [holds up fondue pot, holds ladle with fondue] Yes, sir.
• Squidward: [pointing up] Uh, hey, hey. Be-be-be careful with that!
• Announcer: Next stop, Jetsam City! [train starts]
• Squidward: [screaming off-screen] Hot! [is shown red and burnt with fondue on his head]
• Bubble Bass: [chugging fondue, sighs, pulls up cheese cube with fork] Are you going to eat that? [rubs cheese cube on Squidward's head, then eats it, and extends his tongue]
• Squidward: [grabs and lets go of Bubble Bass' tongue] Get off of me!
• [Bubble transition to Squidward reading an "ART" book while Bubble Bass snores. Bubble Bass starts leaning on Squidward, and Squidward pushes him away. Squidward continues reading his book. Bubble Bass leans on Squidward again, who pushes him to the right.]
• Squidward: Stay on your side! [Bubble Bass leans on him again, and he groans]
• Lady: Well, aren't you two the best of friends!
• Squidward: [face boils red] We are not! Now, what do you want?
• Lady: [gives her baby to Squidward] Would you watch my baby while I [points backward] run to the restroom? [lifts up skirt and taps feet] I have to powder my nose like a racehorse! Thanks! [runs off]
• [Squidward lifts the baby's blanket to reveal an ugly baby with blue glasses.]
• Baby: [snoring and drooling]
• Squidward: [looks at Bubble Bass, who is also snoring and drooling with the same face]
• Baby: [starts crying as Bubble Bass snores]
• Squidward: This is what I get for traveling [pushes Bubble Bass] coach.
• Bubble Bass: [head hits wall, wakes up sweating] That fondue gave me the cheese sweats. [opens train window] Ooh! [skin flaps in the wind] Refreshing.
• Squidward and baby: [frozen, shivering]
• Squidward: You're making the baby [closes window] cold!
• Bubble Bass: [looking at baby] What? [adjusts glasses, squishes face] Where did you get such an adorable baby? Who clearly wants the window [reopens window] open.
• [The draft sweeps away several of the passengers' items.]
• Squidward: The baby wants it [closes window] closed!
• Bubble Bass: The baby wants it [opens window] open!
• Squidward: [closes window] Closed!
• Bubble Bass: [opens window] Open!
• Squidward: [closes window] Closed!
• Bubble Bass: [opens window] Open! [baby flies out of the window]
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: Huh? [look at each other, yelling] The baby!
• Bubble Bass: [closes window]
• Lady: I'm back! Hey. Where's my baby? [crosses arms]
• Bubble Bass: You really want to know? [opens window, sending the lady flying out of the window]
• Lady: [screaming]
• Squidward: I hope she finds her baby.
• Conductor: Tickets! Tickets! Tickets?
• [Squidward and Bubble Bass hold up their tickets, which fly out the window.]
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: [chuckle nervously]
• Conductor: No tickets, huh? [pushes Squidward and then Bubble Bass out the window]
• Squidward: [screaming]
• Bubble Bass: [screaming]
• Conductor: [closes window]
• [Bubble Bass appears in a bush near the train tracks. Squidward is there as well.]
• Squidward: [pointing to Bubble Bass] I loathe you.
• Lady: [off-screen, Squidward and Bubble Bass hide in the bush] Don't worry, baby. [pedaling on the train tracks on a handcar with the baby] When Mommy finds those two, she's gonna ground them. [raising fist] Into dust!
• Squidward: [he and Bubble Bass emerge from the bush, begins walking] I'm walking.
• Bubble Bass: Without snacks? [walks with Squidward] I'm going to get hungry. You won't like me when I'm hungry!
• Squidward: I don't like you now!
• [The scene pans up to the daytime sky, which then turns into sunset as it pans down to Bubble Bass and Squidward still walking.]
• Bubble Bass: [panting, sweating] We're going to die out here! [falls over and sobs]
• Squidward: [rolls eyes, then looks ahead] Huh? Maybe [picks up Bubble Bass, points to Old Man Jenkins' farm] not. Look! Old Man Jenkins has a farm.
• Bubble Bass: [points] And on that farm, he has a ride?
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: [dancing with each other] ♪ E-I-E-I-O! ♪
• Squidward: [pointing to a tractor] ♪ With a tractor here! ♪
• Bubble Bass: [shaking his butt next to two horses in a stable] ♪ And some horsies [points to horses] there! ♪
• Squidward: [riding a giant boat] ♪ Here a boat! ♪
• Bubble Bass: [riding a bike with Squidward] ♪ There a bike! ♪
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: [shaking their butts next to muddy boots on a front porch] ♪ Everywhere are boots to hike! ♪
• Bubble Bass: [pointing Old Man Jenkins operating on his airplane] ♪ Old Man Jenkins has a plane! ♪
• Squidward: [Bubble Bass dances next to him] ♪ E-I-E-I- ♪ oh, yeah. Quit it.
• [Bubble transition to Old Man Jenkins flying his plane in the air. Squidward and Bubble Bass are in the passenger seat, with Bubble Bass eating something.]
• Squidward: Thanks for the ride!
• Bubble Bass: [holding up egg salad sandwich] And the egg salad sandwiches. [shoves the sandwich into his mouth]
• Old Man Jenkins: You folks are lucky! I was just heading into the city to pick up the new Farmer's Almanac!
• Bubble Bass: To celebrate, I think I will have another one of those sandwiches. [reaches down into his seat]
• Squidward: Whoa! You just ate!
• Bubble Bass: I can almost reach. [plane bends]
• Squidward: Whoa!
• [The plane forms a crack in the middle.]
• Old Man Jenkins: Stop shaking the plane or I'll pull this thing right over!
• [The plane breaks in half, and the back half with Squidward and Bubble Bass falls off.]
• Old Man Jenkins: Thank you. Much better.
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: [screaming, plane half lands directly onto a clown's banana car]
• Squidward: [under plane] Now what do we do?
• Bubble Bass: [emerges from seat] You could pull me using the plane tail as a rickshaw.
• Squidward: Me pull you? This is your fault! You should pull [points to himself] me!
• Bubble Bass: We'll flip a coin.
• Squidward: You're on! [flips a coin, which lands in Bubble Bass' belly button]
• Bubble Bass: Hmm? [struggles to reach his belly button] I can't reach. Could you [points to his belly button] fish it out?
• Squidward: [groans] You win. [begins pulling the plane with Bubble Bass in it along the road]
• Clown: [gets up and looks at Squidward and Bubble Bass, horn honks]
• [The camera pans upward and fades to Jetsam City at night.]
• Squidward: [still pulling Bubble Bass along, panting, then lets go and goes inside a hotel] [weakly] Don't scratch the paint.
• Bubble Bass: [jumps out of his seat, gives the seal man the coin from his belly button] Keep the change. [enters hotel]
• Squidward: [rings bell on counter]
• Shark receptionist: [appears behind counter] Yes?
• Squidward: Reservation for Squidward Tentacles.
• Bubble Bass: And Bubble Bass.
• Shark receptionist: [punches buttons on computer] Mr. Tentacles and Mr. Bass. Ooh! [claps hands] You two have reserved our finest rooms.
• Squidward: [exhausted] Can we just get our keys?
• Shark receptionist: Mm, no. [waves finger] You were supposed to check in yesterday. But you didn't. So we gave your rooms away.
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: [sobbing]
• Shark receptionist: [groans, punches buttons on computer] Let me see what we can do. Oh! Here we go. Though it's not as nice as your previous accomodations.
• Squidward: [both sniffling] It's just for one night. How bad can it be?
• [Bubble transition to Squidward lying on a bed.]
• Squidward: Say, this isn't so bad.
• Bubble Bass: [opens the restroom door, causing steam to come out, and comes out wearing towels] The shower's all yours.
• Squidward: [groans] I'm tired. I'm just going to sleep.
• Bubble Bass: As you wish. [turns off lights, then hops onto the bed] Ah!
• Squidward: [rolls into Bubble Bass]
• Bubble Bass: Hey, keep to your side.
• Squidward: [slides back to his side, grumbles, tries to sleep]
• Bubble Bass: [eating chips in bed]
• Squidward: [waking up] Huh? Oh, you're getting crumbs in the bed! [grabs his pillow and walks to the bathroom] I'm going to sleep in the bathroom. Hmph!
• Bubble Bass: Suit yourself.
• Squidward: [turns on bathroom light to see that the bathroom is a disaster] What? [eye twitches] Of course he destroyed the bathroom. [walks on carpet] But hey, this is fancy. Shag carpeting!
• Bubble Bass: [off-screen] ♪ That's not carpet! ♪
• [A woman is heard shrieking as Squidward looks down at the body hair carpet.]
• Squidward: Is this your [yelling, stepping off] body hair? [off-screen as Bubble Bass snores in bed] What is wrong with you? [with his pillow in the tub] The horror. [shivers] The horror.
• [Cut to a wide shot of Jetsam City as it changes from nighttime to daytime. The giant tugboat's horn blares as smoke comes out of it. Squidward happily walks out of the hotel, and Bubble Bass walks out as well.]
• Bubble Bass: Well, you look chipper. Did you sleep well?
• Squidward: Nope! But soon [points to Bubble Bass] you'll be at your lame comic convention, far away from me! [Bubble Bass crosses his arms] That is something to smile about.
• Bubble Bass: Agreed. [points ahead] But your Clarinet Con is, by far, the lamer of the two.
• Kid: [dressed as a superhero, running by] Yay! Comic books! [flies in the air, then lands on his face and drags himself along]
• Squidward: Well, at least we clarinetists don't wear stupid capes.
• Other kid: [wearing cape and top hat, playing clarinet while walking across the sidewalk, falls on her face, then drags herself along]
• Bubble Bass: You were saying?
• [They both walk to a convention building with two sides, one for the clarinetists and one for the comic book fans. A sign is hung up that says "WELCOME NERDS + SNOBS." Squidward and Bubble Bass wave at each other before going their separate ways.]
• Squidward: Whoa!
• Bubble Bass: Whoa!
• Squidward: [looking up] Is that... [sees Old Man Jenkins flying his plane in the sky] Old Man Jenkins?
• Old Man Jenkins: [flying his plane in a circle, then circles around the Mermaid Man statue as people scream]
• Bubble Bass: [waving hands, sweating] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
• Old Man Jenkins: [starts circling around the clarinetist statue as more people scream]
• Squidward: [hands on head, sweating, walking in place] No, no, no, no, no, no!
• Old Man Jenkins: [flies his plane around, eventually crashing into the Mermaid Man statue, launching it into the air as he lands via parachute] Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing! [walks away as a giant explosion occurs in the comic book convention building]
• People: [landing, walking away in disappointment]
• Bubble Bass: No! All those innocent comic books, lost!
• Squidward: [points at Bubble Bass] Ha! In your face! [dancing] I still get to go to my clarinet convention, and you get nothing! You lose! [laughs]
• [Just then, the Mermaid Man statue falls down onto the clarinet convention building, and the building floats away, dumping people from inside.]
• Squidward: Of course.
• Bubble Bass: [crosses arms] Worst. Trip.
• Squidward: Ever. [paramedics carry the Mermaid Man statue on a cot nearby] Hey, where did everybody go?
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: [train horn blows] The train station!
• [They both run off to the train station. They get stopped by the conductor in front of the train.]
• Conductor: No tickets, no ride. [door closes, train rides off]
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: Huh?
• Old Man Jenkins: [from train window] You boys owe me half a plane!
• Squidward: Typical.
• [Cut to Squidward and Bubble Bass moving along a train track using a handcar.]
• Squidward: [groans]
• Bubble Bass: Slow down! You're hurting my arms!
• Lady: [off-screen] There they are, Junior!
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: Huh?
• Lady: [using a handcar with the baby] After 'em!
• Squidward and Bubble Bass: [putting each other's hands on their shoulders] I loathe you, chum! [growl at each other, then scream and push the handcar away]
• [The mother and baby chase Squidward and Bubble Bass, leaving a blazing dust trail on the train track as the episode ends.]