This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Captain Quasar: The Next Iteration" from season 15, which aired on June 20, 2025.

• [The episode opens with a pan across outer space, then a zoom to a nearby planet. Transition to a broken rocket ship. Pat-Tron is at the end of a cliff, his arms tied to poles, guarded by a Chicken Man.]
• Pat-Tron: Captain Quasar! Save me!
• [Chicken Man growls.]
• Captain Quasar: [at the base of the cliff] You let Pat-Tron go, Chicken Man!
• [Chicken Man growls even more. He screams and swings his arms around. He and Captain Quasar run into each other. They get up, and Captain Quasar is about to fall off a cliff. Chicken Man swings at him and misses, and Captain Quasar attacks. Cut to Pat-Tron eating popcorn.]
• Captain Quasar: Sweet Neptune! What's that behind you? [Chicken Man looks behind and Captain Quasar ties both Chicken Man's shoes together and Chicken Man falls]
• Pat-Tron: My hero! You saved me!
• Captain Quasar: Of course, Pat-Tron. Nobody messes with Captain Quasar's crew!
• [Pat-Tron jumps into Quasar's arms, and they hug each other. Zoom out to SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidina watching the TV in Captain Quasar cosplays.]
• Squidina: Wow! What an episode! What a battle! [shakes the TV] Captain Quasar does it again!
• SpongeBob: I liked all the hugging. [tightly hugs himself]
• Patrick: [worried] Guys, you don't suppose there's real chicken men out there, do you? [starts shivering]
• SpongeBob: [grabs his cheeks] Of course not, Patrick. They're just made up for TV. Like cartoons. Or France.
• [Zoom out to a personification of the country of France watching the episode on his TV, crying.]
• Patrick: Phew...
• TV voice: Calling all Captain Quasar fans! [SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidina look over and scoot closer to the TV] Your presence is required at the only Captain Quasar fan club in the tri-ocean area! [the three start heavily breathing while on the floor] Beam over to our headquarters at the back of the comic book shop! The next meeting is on spacedate 76359-1. [the three each take out a time-telling device, confused] That's today, ya space cadets.
• SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidina: Yay! We gotta join that fan club! [they run out of SpongeBob's house and burst through the front doors of the comic book store]
• SpongeBob: [points to a sign on the back door] Ooh, look.
• Patrick: [goes up to the door, attempting to read it] Half-price, oil change.
• [SpongeBob and Squidina pull him back.]
• Squidina: No, Patrick, it says "hardcore Quasar fans only."
• Patrick: I'm hardboiled!
• SpongeBob: Ooh, hurry up guys.
• [The three squeeze into the door. Bubble Bass, Kevin, and Harvey are inside.]
• Bubble Bass: Greetings! Welcome to the official Captain Quasar fan club! I, Bubble Bass, am president obviously. Harvey and Kevin are co-secretaries.
• [Harvey and Kevin set down their clipboard and look at the new members.]
• Bubble Bass: We are always on the lookout for new members. However, [takes off his glasses] judging by your rather shabby cosplay, I surmise you are fans of the original Quasar series. This fan club is only for the reboot! Captain Quasar, the next iteration! [falls on the table and gasps for air]
• Squidina: They made a new Captain Quasar show?
• Bubble Bass: Indeed! [gets up from table] And it is the far superior series. Therefore, you won't be needing any of this. [pulls off their Captain Quasar cosplays, and they fly to the ceiling] Now to begin our meeting, [Harvey wheels over a TV, and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidina move out of the way] let's watch a clip from the new show. [the TV turns on]
• [Captain Quasar on an alien planet, with a star-shaped spaceship behind him. He launches two rockets at a giant Chicken Man, but he blocks them with his arm. The Chicken Man then throws several high speed feathers at Quasar, but he effortlessly deflects them. The Chicken Man jumps into the air, growing in size. Quasar jumps into the air as well.]
• New Quasar: [taps the star on his suit] Pat-Tron, activate Mecha Pattern Alpha.
• [The spaceship ascends into the sky. Pat-Tron's head emerges from the top of it, and tentacle-like limbs stretch from the spaceship. Quasar falls back inside the cockpit, controlling it like a robot. A laser blaster extends from the shoulder, and fires at the Chicken Man. He is struck down by the laser, and falls to the ground as cooked chicken.]
• New Quasar: Ha, ha. Dinner is served.
• [The TV turns off.]
• Squidina: So wait, [pushes the TV away] now Captain Quasar is a giant robot show? I thought it was about exploring the universe.
• Bubble Bass: It can be both.
• Squidina: Nope. It confuses the premise.
• SpongeBob: I'm with Squidina. [holds up a comic of the old Captain Quasar] Original Quasar, yay! [holds up a comic of the new Captain Quasar] Reboot, Quasar, nay. [tosses the comic aside]
• Patrick: [holds out a cardboard cutout of the new Pat-Tron] I like the new one! The robot is so handsome.
• Squidina: Fine. You guys can have your club. We're gonna start our own, [brings SpongeBob close] to celebrate the original series! Come on, SpongeBob. [carries him out of the room like a briefcase, then exit the store]
• SpongeBob: Oh, boy! I'm super excited for our new club, Squidina. But, uh, where are we having the meeting?
• Squidina: I thought we could do it at your place.
• SpongeBob: Ooh, I'd love to, but Gary said he needed the house to himself today.
• [Cut to a bunch of snails in SpongeBob's house throwing water balloons at each other.]
• SpongeBob: Hmm... I know a place we can go! Follow me. [swings his feet in the air. Squidina puts him down and she is quickly carried along]
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidina inside a vending machine.]
• Squidina: This place is a little tight, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: True, but it comes with snacks!
• [They both eat from a bag of chips.]
• Squidina: Let's start our meeting [waves her arms around] with the Captain Quasar secret club handshake.
• SpongeBob and Squidina: [wiggling their fingers] We are cadets! [they wrap their arms around each other, then quickly unwind] Blast off!
• SpongeBob: [starts getting pulled out of the machine]
• Squidina: SpongeBob, what are you doing? We're supposed to blast off.
• SpongeBob: [getting sucked down] I'm blasting off as hard as I can! Woah! [falls to the bottom of the vending machine]
• Patrick: [presses his face on the vending machine] Aw, my chips are caught on some... yellow thing.
• Bubble Bass: [sitting on the ground, playing a board game with Kevin and Harvey nearby] Buy another bag. It'll knock your chips loose.
• [Patrick puts another coin in the machine, which pulls down Squidina.]
• Patrick: Aww... [pulls up the skin on this arm] Looks like I'll have to give it the old— New Quasar shake! [pours out all the contents of the vending machine onto the board game]
• Bubble Bass: Huzzah! Free snacks!
• Kevin and Harvey: Woohoo! [carry Patrick on their shoulders] Quasar! Quasar! Quasar!
• [Bubble Bass carries away all the candy, leaving SpongeBob and Squidina on the ground.]
• SpongeBob and Squidina: Queasy... queasy... queasy. [SpongeBob belches, throws up a bag of candy]
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidina walking down the sidewalk, troubled.]
• SpongeBob: Well, we tried the only place I can think of.
• Squidina: Looks like we have no choice but to rejoin their dumb old new Captain Quasar club. [they both walk into someone standing in line at the comic book store, and they see a sign reading "Captain Quasar signing today!"]
• SpongeBob: Wow, they got the new Captain Quasar to sign autographs? Impressive.
• Squidina: I hate to admit it, but it is impressive. And, it gives me an idea!
• [Cut to inside the comic store, where it is crowded with eager Captain Quasar fans.]
• Bubble Bass: Oh, I'm your biggest fan! [waves a Captain Quasar figurine]
• Harvey: No, I'm your biggest fan! [waves a Captain Quasar comic book]
• Kevin: Will you be my daddy?! [holds out a drawing of him and Captain Quasar holding hands]
• New Quasar: Listen, Eddy, I told you. No more autograph shows. [signs the figurine, Kevin's drawing, and a boy's head] I'm an actor, not a calligrapher.
• [SpongeBob and Squidina walk into the store, chests puffed out.]
• Bubble Bass: Well, look who's come crawling back. Ready to admit that Captain Quasar, [points at New Quasar] the next iteration, is the best iteration?
• Squidina: Hah, never.
• Bubble Bass: Then why did you come to our big celebrity signing?
• Squidina: We wanted to introduce you to some old friends. [they step away to reveal the old Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron standing behind them]
• Captain Quasar: What strange new world have you brought us to?
• Bubble Bass: [in disbelief] The old-school Pat-Tron and Captain Quasar? [scratches his head] Where on earth did you find them?
• SpongeBob: Not on Earth, in outer space.
• Squidina: I still have their ship's coordinates in Patrick's old time closet. [points at thumb at Patrick]
• Patrick: My what now?
• Squidina: Your time closet.
• [Patrick stares at her.]
• Squidina: It gives you access to all of time and space.
• Patrick: Uhhh... doesn't ring a bell.
• Squidina: It was in your room. [Patrick drools] At Mom and Dad's house. Remember?
• [Patrick brain bunches kicks a door through his head, then jumps out.]
• Patrick: Oh, yeah. I remember. [whispering to SpongeBob] Who are Mom and Dad?
• Squidina: Anyhow, now that we've got both Quasars, and both Pat-Trons here, let's team 'em up— for a new series! Just think of the exciting adventures they could have!
• SpongeBob: [cue montage of the Quasars and Pat-Trons sitting through different activities] They could bake a cake together, or solve a jigsaw puzzle, or read quietly by the fire.
• Bubble Bass: [slow clapping] Oh ho, that does sound exciting. Or, instead, let's find out who the best Quasar is, once and for all!
• [Bubble Bass pulls a lever, which causes a giant trapdoor to open under the Quasars and Pat-Trons, causing them to fell into a deep pit.]
• Bubble Bass: ...By having them fight it out— in the pit of doom!
• SpongeBob: Uh, why does this place have a "pit of doom"?
• Bubble Bass: Duh, every comic book store has a pit of doom.
• SpongeBob: That makes sense!
• Pat-Tron: Hey Captain Quasar, those guys look exactly like us! [New Quasar and New Pat-Tron glance at each other] are they... clones?
• Captain Quasar: Don't be silly, Pat-Tron, they only kind of look like us! That makes them... evil clones!
• Kevin: [pops out from behind Bubble Bass] Just like in "Clone Me Once, Shame on You!"
• SpongeBob: Ooh, I love that episode!
• Captain Quasar: Pat-Tron! Attack!
• [The two charge their counterparts, causing them to shake with fear.]
• New Pat-Tron: Not the face!
• [The original duo slowly walk towards them. New Quasar checks his watch and extends his palm to hold the original Quasar back. Original Pat-Tron falls over before he can make it to New Pat-Tron.]
• Bubble Bass: Well, looks like my Quasar is winning! I'll begin gloating now to get a head start. [starts dancing]
• Pat-Tron: These clones are too strong Captain!
• Captain Quasar: You may be right, Pat-Tron, time to use our lasers!
• New Quasar: Wait, what?! You guys have real lasers?
• [Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron fly into the air, shooting lasers at the rebooted duo. They blast off their clothes, leaving New Quasar in his underwear and revealing a small old man piloting Pat-Tron. They start crying.]
• Captain Quasar: Victory, Pat-Tron. Our evil clones are humiliated. [falls back into Pat-Tron's arms] Let's get out of here. [Pat-Tron flies out of the pit]
• Squidina: Ha ha! [starts dancing]
• Bubble Bass: Ok, ok, you win! I hereby declare this Captain Quasar club open to fans— of all iterations!
• [SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidina cheer and put on their cosplays.]
• Pat-Tron: Holy mackerel, Captain! [points at SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidina] An army of evil clones!
• Captain Quasar: They must be multiplying! [the two pull out their blasters and aim for three] Hurry, before they can split again!
• SpongeBob: Just like in the episode "Clone Me Twice, Shame on Me!"
• [Blasts from Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron strike the ground next to them, causing them to jump up in a panic and run out of the comic book store in mid-air.]
• SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidina: [running down the sidewalk while being chased by Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron] Best fan club ever!