This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Fiasco!" from season 8, which aired on April 5, 2012.

• Patrick: [walks down the street wearing a blue tie, green pants, dark brown hat and carrying a brown briefcase. He stops and rips off his tie] Uhh. Such a tired day at the office. [looks at his watch] Boy, am I famished. I sure wish I knew the best restaurant in Bikini Bottom. [a sense of aroma comes and Patrick's stomach morphs into a shape of a nose] From where has this glorious scent come?
• Squidward: [comes to Patrick] Hark, the odor you seek is before you.
• Mr. Krabs: [jumps out from the Krusty Krab's doors wearing a blue leotard with the letters "KK" in yellow on the front of it] At the Krusty Krab, where the tastiest sandwich in the seas is grilled to perfection by our expert fry cook. [raises hand to SpongeBob who comes out sky sliding on a rainbow holding a spatula] And served with a smile by our friendly waiter. [Squidward arrives on a dolphin with a platter of Krabby Patties and gives the plate to Patrick, Patrick pours the Krabby Patties into his mouth, then it reveals that it was all a storyboard planned by SpongeBob for a commercial]
• SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick gobbles down the patties. Nom nom nom nom nom.
• Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute. Why am I dressed in a leotard?
• SpongeBob: Oh, cause you're the mascot.
• Mr. Krabs: Nah, I don't think so! [he tears off the storyboard pictures on the wall as SpongeBob looks in horror, some pieces of the shreds flies into SpongeBob's face and he blows it off him] We need a gimmick that's nothing short of a masterpiece.
• SpongeBob: Oh, I know! Win a date with Squidward Tuesdays! [Mr. Krabs stops walking and SpongeBob bumps into him. Mr. Krabs moves SpongeBob out of the kitchen. SpongeBob looks depressed and sighs louder and louder and louder which irritates Squidward.]
• Squidward: Oh, for dolphins sakes! Do tell what's troubling you so!
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs doesn't think my ideas are helping.
• Squidward: Shocking.
• SpongeBob: I just want to help him find the perfect Krabby Patty gimmick.
• Squidward: Sounds like you'd better stop bothering me and put on your thinking cap.
• SpongeBob: Great idea, Squidward! [zooms off]
• Squidward: That'll keep him out of my hair. [rattling engine noises are heard, and smoke engulfs around Squidward. Squidward sees SpongeBob wearing a big blue machine on his head that says "thinking" on it as SpongeBob thinks really hard for an idea. Covers his nose] Of course, he actually has one. [Squidward leaves his register boat and sees a strange patron squirting ketchup all over a platter of Krabby Patties. He then picks them up and drops them all over the floor] To each, his own.
• Fiasco: Mustard!
• Squidward: [hand him the mustard bottle] Yes, your freakishness. [he swipes the mustard bottle from Squidward's hand and squirts it all over the platter. Squidward sighs in disgust as mustard splashes onto his face]
• Fiasco: [drops the empty mustard condiment as he is finished] Like our own fleeting existence, an untimely end has come upon this Krabby value meal. [he notices something on the platter and scrapes it off before he leaves]
• Squidward: Good riddance. [just as Squidward was about to spray the table, he quickly notices what the patron has done on the platter] What's this? Something's familiar about those ketchup swirls. [gasps] Sweet Neptune! Could that have been...
• Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah enough dilly-dallying. Now, help me with the garbage Mr. Squidward. [Mr. Krabs takes the platter and tries to throw it away, but Squidward takes it from him]
• Squidward: That's not garbage, it's a Fiasco!
• Mr. Krabs: Ok, let's not overdo it.
• Squidward: No, no, no, you don't get it! It's the work of Fiasco the artist! [pulls out the Art Wonk magazine] He was featured in last month's Art Wonk magazine!
• Mr. Krabs: [reads the magazine and sees the picture of Fiasco and his art in it] Heh, you call this art? Looks like a swappy's footlocker.
• Squidward: It all makes sense now! The dark denim, the dismal statements, the extensive use of red and yellow! This is directly out of his early abstract experiments!
• SpongeBob: [takes the Fiasco from Squidward] Ohh, what is this?
• Squidward: [takes it back from SpongeBob] This is an authentic Fiasco!
• Customers: A Fiasco? [gets up from their tables and looks at the Fiasco in amazement] Ooh!
• Dave: An original Fiasco, you say?
• Gus: He's one of the famous picture-drawing artistes!
• Nancy-Suzy Fish: Just look at his audacious use of pickle in this piece.
• Incidental 27: [stutters] What's your asking price?
• Squidward: Oh, it's simply not for sale, not even for a million dollars.
• Mr. Krabs: Hold it! [takes the Fiasco] I'll take a million for it.
• Squidward: [takes it back] It's not yours to sell! I found it!
• Mr. Krabs: Me plate, me buns, me mustard, [tries to take it from Squidward] me Fiasco.
• Squidward: You tried to throw it away! [pulls it back] It's mine!
• Farfel Bainbridge: Let's not be hasty. It belongs to...neither of you. Farfel Bainbridge: Curator of the Bikini Bottom Art Museum. We curators have a way of sniffing these things out. [takes the Fiasco from Squidward and examines it. He sniffs it for a little bit] [gasps] It's authentic! Aahh! Which makes this a national treasure! [everyone cheers as Farfel places the Fiasco back on the table and puts a glass lid around it] And for preservation, it must be hermetically sealed! [blows his whistle] And guarded by Bikini Bottom's finest! [three policemen rip off their costumes, revealing themselves]
• Officer John: Ready for duty, sir!
• Mr. Krabs: Great idea, Farkle. Gotta protect me valuable property.
• Farfel Bainbridge: Well, technically, it doesn't belong to you, it belongs to the people of Bikini Bottom. Unfortunately, they'll have to set foot in this grease-trap to get a look at this great piece of art.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, so now you're a restaurant critic. [goes to a scene where the Krusty Krab has a really long line waiting to see the Fiasco] Step up! Step up for your free glimpse at the Fiasco masterpiece! [Evelyn and Frankie look at the Fiasco] Alright, you've had your look. Now hold up your end of the bargain!
• Frankie Billy: Two Krabby Patties, please.
• Mr. Krabs: Each!
• Plankton: [while all the customers are lined up, Plankton sneaks up behind a small rock outside of the Chum Bucket] So, what have you got for me today, huh? [looks through his telescope] No Krabby Patty in sight. [notices the customers looking at the Fiasco] What? What's this? Looks like a chewed-up Krabby Patty. A perfect sample from which to reverse engineer a whole Krabby Patty! [gets down and paddles to the Krusty Krab with a tiny bag on a unicycle] Thanks, Eugene. You just made my job a whole lot easier.
• Mr. Krabs: [As Mr. Krabs counts his money and sniffs some of them from his valuable success, he hears a loud scream in the dining room] I know that scream anywhere! It's me profits dying! [opens his office door and sees Plankton making a getaway with the Fiasco in his bag] Stop that thief!
• Plankton: Don't worry, Krabs! I'm just taking out the trash for ya!
• Mr. Krabs: Stop thief! [pushes the alarm button and emergency bell rings and alarm blares; Cut to the police car driving after Plankton]
• Plankton: Heh, heh, heh, that was almost too easy. Plankton old boy, you're home-free! [Just then, he hears the sirens of the police cars. As he turns around, he notices several more police cars following him at high pursuit.]
• Officer John: Stop thief!
• Plankton: Ahh! [paddles faster] What's with the police?! It's just a bag of garbage! [the police chases Plankton into the streets of Bikini Bottom and passes by the Movie Palace. Plankton manages to take refuge in the movie theater] What's going on?
• Female movie character: How long do you think we'll be here?
• Male movie character: I don't know. But my stomach feels all tingly.
• Female movie character: Mine does too. [the movie characters slowly attempt to kiss, until Officer Rob bursts through the screen]
• Officer Rob: Hey you! Yeah, you in the chair!
• Officer John: Don't move! [the cops burst out of the screen and chases Plankton out of the movie theater and into the supermarket]
• Plankton: [as the cops search all over the market, Plankton hides in a batch of flowers but his eyes gets all watery due to the pollen] Achoo! [the cops turn around and sees where Plankton is hiding] Blasted pollen allergies! [Plankton notices that the cops are looking at him and quickly runs out of the market as the cops chase him from behind. He somehow manages to take refuge in a floating satellite in outer space, thinking that he is safe.] Ahh, I should be safe in space. [he hears the hatch door open and sees that the cops are still after him only in spacesuits this time]
• Officer John: Stop thief!
• Plankton: You gotta be kidding me! [exits out of the satellite as the cops pursue from behind. Sooner or later, Plankton becomes exhausted from being chased around by the cops. He then stumbles upon Patrick's rock] Hello? Hello? [knocks] Open up! [continues knocking] Open up!
• Patrick: [opens his rock as he is in his purple robe] Do you mind? Some of us have nothing to do tomorrow morning! [slams his rock]
• Plankton: Wait, what? [looks around and sees SpongeBob's house and bursts in the front door with a wooden spoon in his hand] Hey, keep your hands where I can see em'! [SpongeBob raises his hands in the air] Ok you two, against the wall! [SpongeBob and Gary get off of the chair and sofa and walk up towards the wall] That's it. Nice and slow. [Plankton walks into the house and places the bag on the table revealing the Fiasco he has stolen to SpongeBob. Plankton jumps up onto SpongeBob's chair] You gotta help me! Ever since I left the Krusty Krab, I've had all kinds of heat on me! It's so bizarre! Normally, when I steal something from the Krusty Krab, it's Krabs who chases me, not a bunch of cops. So if you know what's going on, start talking or else you're gonna answer with the spoon, see!
• SpongeBob: I-I can explain. That partially eaten Krabby Patty isn't just garbage, it's a work of art. It's worth a fortune.
• Plankton: Really?
• SpongeBob: So you see why Mr. Krabs is trying to get it back.
• Plankton: Interesting. It appears I've won more than I bargained for.
• SpongeBob: Plankton, you've stolen a priceless work of art. There's only one thing you can do.
• Plankton: You mean hold onto it until it's really worth something?
• SpongeBob: No, you need to turn yourself in.
• Plankton: Turn myself-What?! If I go down, we all go down! You're harboring an art thief!
• SpongeBob: Who's that?
• Plankton: Me, you imbecile!
• SpongeBob: What?
• Plankton: Not only that, you're an accomplice to the crime, yeah.
• SpongeBob: Really?
• Plankton: And not only that, but Gary's an accomplice too!
• Gary: Meow?
• SpongeBob: Now you've gone too far!
• Plankton: No, you have! Criminal Accomplice!
• SpongeBob: I can't believe you're calling me that!
• Plankton: Believe it, Man Boy!
• Patrick: [comes in and appears to be eating something] Hey! What did I tell you before? I'm trying to get some shuteye!
• SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you eating?
• Patrick: The hors d'oeuvres you left on the table. [an empty plate is shown as it reveals that Patrick is eating the Fiasco that Plankton stole. SpongeBob and Plankton gasp in horror as Patrick swallows the Fiasco and burps] Not bad.
• SpongeBob: Now Patrick is harboring stolen merchandise in his belly!
• Plankton: Ohh, he's an accomplice too!
• Squidward: [bursts through the front door with the cops behind him] Here they are, Officers! These idiots have been causing a ruckus. Interrupting my beauty sleep.
• Officer John: Well, well, well. If it isn't the art thief himself. Drop the spoon. [Plankton throws the spoon away after realizing he has no place to run anymore] You're all under arrest until we figure this out. [puts handcuffs on Squidward's wrists]
• Squidward: But what do you mean "all"? [stammering] I'm not under arrest! I-I-I-uhh, These are idiots! They're causing a ruckus! I-I want sleep! [cuts to the Bikini Bottom Police Station]
• Officer John: [locks Plankton away in jail as SpongeBob, Patrick, Gary, and Mr. Krabs stand there and watch] Thanks for clearing this whole mess up, Mr. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: Of course, Officer. Heh, can't let me fry cook rot in this place. It'll ruin me business! Especially, now that the Fiasco's finito! [begins to cry]
• SpongeBob: [thinks for a second and comes up with an idea, snaps his fingers] Mr. Krabs, I think I have the solution. [cuts to the Krusty Krab with a really long line]
• Mr. Krabs: Thanks very much. Enjoy the show. You sure saved the day boy-yo.
• SpongeBob: My pleasure, sir. And I think Patrick likes it too.
• Patrick: [stands behind the X-ray and presents the Fiasco he accidentally ate to the customers, which amazes them. As he is showing it to them, he giggles for a little bit] X-rays tickle.
• Fiasco: Such artistic genius! [throws his paintings on the floor and smashes them to bits] I'll never paint again!
• Squidward: [reveals that he is still behind bars at the Bikini Bottom Police Station] Hey, don't I get a phone call?