This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Friendiversary" from season 13, which aired on June 22, 2023.

• [The episode opens with a shot of Squidward's house, SpongeBob's house, and Patrick's house at night. Squidward is asleep in his bedroom, snoring. He hears crashing noises and wakes up.]
• Squidward: Huh? [the curls on his head fall off, and he takes off his sleep mask] [gasps] Intruders. A break-in.
• [Squidward angrily picks up a can of hairspray and sprays it.]
• Squidward: I knew this can of hairspray would come in handy one day. [opens the door and goes downstairs; more crashing is heard] Who's down there? I have an aerosol can and I'm not afraid to use it.
• [Squidward trips on a balloon and falls down the stairs. At the bottom, the can of hairspray hits his head and sprays him in the face, which makes him scream.]
• Squidward: My eyes! [pulls lamp cord and rubs his eyes] Huh? [looks around the room to see party decorations, including a sculpture of him and SpongeBob and a "Happy Friendiversary" banner] "Happy friend-i-ver"...
• SpongeBob: [in Squidward's face] Happy friend-iversary, Squidward! [blows a party horn with confetti at him. Squidward spits out the confetti]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, what time is it?
• SpongeBob: It's one minute after midnight on the day that we first met. [grabs a book] It's all here in my Squidward memory book.
• Squidward: What?
• SpongeBob: [sits down next to Squidward and flips through the pages] Here's us at camp. Here's when I moved in right next door. Oh, and here's when I got Employee of the Month instead of you again. Here's one I took a few minutes ago. Look at you. Just like an angel.
• Squidward: [swipes the book away] All right, that's it! [throws SpongeBob out of the door] Get out! [kicks SpongeBob out]
• SpongeBob: [waving] Okay, see you around, friend. [scoots on his butt back to his house] ♪Friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend-iversary!♪ [enters his house]
• [The "Friendiversary" banner falls onto Squidward. Bubble transition to Squidward using a dustpan and broom to clean up the party decorations. He then takes the trash to his trash cans outside, to which SpongeBob startles him.]
• SpongeBob: Happy friend-iversary!
• [Squidward screams and jumps into the trash can.]
• SpongeBob: Remember the first time I startled you into this trash can?
• Squidward: [runs away with the trash can on him] Ahh, go away! Go away! [bumps into a piece of coral, Patrick's house, and Patrick's mailbox. He then rolls on the ground]
• SpongeBob: [laughs] Classic Squiddy. [takes a picture, which is then shown in his memory book] [sighs] Memories.
• [Bubble transition to Squidward tiptoeing in town, scared.]
• Squidward: Is he here? Is he here? [groans, then looks around] Phew. Not here.
• SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! [Squidward's eyes widen as he looks up] [playing a piano attached to a rope] Remember that time I dedicated a song to you? [the rope snaps, and the piano crushes Squidward. SpongeBob continues playing, and Squidward shows up on the sheet music] Oh, you do remember.
• [Squidward launches out of the piano, and face plants on the ground.]
• Squidward: [runs away] Leave me be! [pants as he reaches a toy store]
• SpongeBob: [knocks on the glass, holding a pair of skates] Remember the time I got you these rocket skates?
• Squidward: Uh, no.
• SpongeBob: That's because we're making a new memory. [points to Squidward's feet, which now have the rocket skates]
• Squidward: No!
• SpongeBob: [waving frantically] Happy friend-iversary!
• [Squidward's rocket skates take off and leave him spinning in the air. He explodes into a heart-shaped firework. SpongeBob takes a picture with a camera. Bubble transition to Squidward crawling to the Krusty Krab.]
• Squidward: [opening the door] SpongeBob? [he looks at all the customers eating their Krabby Patties, then crawls under a table] SpongeBob? [peeks into a customer's patty] SpongeBob? [looks in the register boat] SpongeBob? [hesitantly opens the cash register to see no SpongeBob. He then looks in the kitchen and doesn't see SpongeBob. He puts on his work hat and begins reading a magazine, and immediately hears SpongeBob laugh. Squidward looks in the magazine] Phew. [opens up a page with Kelpy G playing his clarinet] Oh, the Kelpy G concert. Now that was a good memory. [he gets an idea and takes out a magnifying glass to inspect the pages] Hmm. [he zooms in on himself and sees SpongeBob below him] "Remember, this, Squidward?" [The SpongeBob on the magazine winks. Squidward screams as a bunch of party decorations explode on him]
• SpongeBob: [pushes a device that opens up a Squidward inflatable tube man, with him on top] Happy friend-iversary!
• Squidward: [screams and runs out of the Krusty Krab. He sees a billboard of him and SpongeBob on a Kelp Soda ad] Huh?
• SpongeBob: Remember this, Squidward?
• Squidward: [an old picture of him and SpongeBob in Bikini Bottom hits him in the face] Huh?
• SpongeBob: Remember this, Squidward?
• Squidward: Huh? [looks up to see a blimp with a screen of him and SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Remember this, Squidward?
• Squidward: [runs to a nearby police car] Please, you've gotta help me!
• [Two policemen pop out, with the faces of him and SpongeBob.]
• SpongeBob policeman: Remember this, Squidward?
• Squidward: [backing away] Oh, no, no, no! [screams]
• SpongeBob's voice: [repeatedly] Happy friend-iversary. Friend-iversary. Friend-iversary.
• [A "Later That Evening" timecard appears.]
• French Narrator: Happy friend-iversary.
• [The scene changes to a rainy night shot of SpongeBob and Squidward's houses. Thunder rumbles. Squidward is seen huddled in a corner in his kitchen, shivering.]
• Squidward: [panicking] He remembers everything. Everything that happened. Even things that didn't happen. Maybe even things that will happen. [gasps] Things that will never happen. If he remembers it, it happens.
• [Squidward enters the fireplace.]
• Squidward: Get a hold of yourself, Squidward. [sits on the chair; he stands up, pacing] There's got to be a way out. There's got to be a way to erase...
• [Squidward dashes into his art room and rummages through a chest. He picks up a pencil.]
• Squidward: An eraser! I'll erase his memories of me. [giggles] [his face changes and does an evil laugh]
• [The scene changes to Squidward in a burglar outfit on top of SpongeBob's house. He opens the top trapdoor and slides down via rope. He goes over to SpongeBob's memory book of him and uses the eraser on his pencil to erase all evidence of him in the book.]
• Squidward: There's only one more place he keeps his memories.
• [Squidward goes into SpongeBob's room, where he is sleeping. Squidward inserts the pencil eraser into one of SpongeBob's holes.]
• Squidward: Erase me. Erase me. [rubs the eraser onto SpongeBob's brain shaped like Squidward]
• SpongeBob: [asleep] Oh, Squidward, let's be roommates and live together forever and ever and ever.
• [Squidward starts rubbing the eraser harder onto SpongeBob. Cut to the next morning, where Squidward opens his door and peeks out.]
• Squidward: SpongeBob? [opens his trash can] SpongeBob? [now in downtown Bikini Bottom] SpongeBob? [opens the Krusty Krab door and peeks inside] SpongeBob? [opens the door again to see only one customer, who waves]
• [Squidward puts on his hat and enters his register. He looks into the kitchen, where SpongeBob is cooking patties.]
• Squidward: Ahem. Good morning.
• SpongeBob: Oh, good morning. You must be the new cashier. Nice to meet you. [continues cooking patties]
• Squidward: I can't believe it. It worked. [to SpongeBob] Uh, have we met before?
• SpongeBob: I don't think so. Maybe we can chat later, huh? I'm kind of busy right now.
• Squidward: This is the best day of my life!
• Mr. Krabs: [walking to the register] Hmm, you seem weirdly happy for some reason. What's going on?
• Squidward: Last night, I erased all of SpongeBob's memories of me. Isn't that wonderful?
• Mr. Krabs: You... [yelling with rage along with bull roaring sound and grabbing Squidward] what?! Are you insane, man?! [grumbles and takes Squidward to his office]
• [Squidward, with his face turned into a deep shade of blue, gasps for air as Mr. Krabs lets him go.]
• Mr. Krabs: To keep Plankton from scanning me mind, SpongeBob is the only one who knows the [bangs safe] combination to the secret formula safe! [strangles Squidward] And because he never wanted to forget it, he attached it to a memory he had with you, Mr. Squidward! I want you to un-erase his memory right now! [hollering] SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: [appears, saluting] Yes, Mr. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: [putting his hands on both of them] Spend the afternoon with Mr. Squidward here. He's gonna share some precious memories with you.
• SpongeBob: Oh, no thank you. I don't know this guy. He's a stranger. [to Mr. Krabs] Confidentially, he looks a little boring.
• Mr. Krabs: You go with him. That's an order.
• SpongeBob: [saluting] Yes, sir.
• [Mr. Krabs growls as Squidward takes SpongeBob outside.]
• SpongeBob: So what are we doing now, new guy?
• Squidward: We're going to recreate your lost memories of me, so you can remember the combination of Krabs' safe.
• SpongeBob: Huh, sounds crazy-pants, [shrugs] but okay.
• Squidward: Just do what I tell you.
• [Bubble transition to Squidward's trash cans. SpongeBob screams at Squidward as he takes out the trash, making him jump into the trash can. Squidward runs away with the trash can on his head.]
• Squidward: Hmm?
• SpongeBob: [shrugging and shaking his head] Mm-mm.
• [Squidward flings SpongeBob on top of the piano from before, where he plays it. The rope snaps, and it crushes Squidward. SpongeBob opens up the music sheet, and Squidward is on it like before. Squidward groans.]
• SpongeBob: [shrugging and shaking his head again] Mm-mm.
• [Squidward gives SpongeBob a thumbs up through the toy store display window, and the rocket skates propel him into the air and turn him into a heart-shaped firework like before.]
• SpongeBob: [shrugging and shaking his head again] Mm-mm.
• [The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Squidward at a campfire from "The Camping Episode." SpongeBob holds a ukulele while sitting on a log. Squidward wears clown shoes, a hoop skirt, and a sombrero, with a flashlight and a tray full of cubed cheese in his hand while screeching like a chimpanzee diabolically. A sea bear comes from behind and attacks him. SpongeBob shrugs and shakes his head again.]
• [The scene cuts to the two at Goo Lagoon. From a similar scene in "Dying for Pie," Squidward wears a salmon suit in front of three kids. All the kids throw rocks at him.]
• SpongeBob: [shrugging and shaking his head again] Mm-mm.
• [The scene cuts to the two at a bubblestand from the "Bubblestand" episode. SpongeBob blows a bubble, while Squidward screams loudly into the bubble wand, blowing a massive bubble that lifts him off the ground. The bubble pops.]
• SpongeBob: [shrugging and shaking his head again] Hmm, mm-mm.
• [The scene cuts to a boat full of explosives driving over a bridge above Kelp Forest, where a clown bangs on the top window. Squidward is driving with a gag, SpongeBob is tied up in a rope injured, and there is a can of lima beans on the dashboard, as mentioned from "Fools in April." SpongeBob opens a can of hot sauce with his mouth, and it lands on him. He strains, and the clown breaks into the car, screeching like a monkey. SpongeBob then explodes, sending them all down into the abyss. They scream as a black bulldozer truck falls as well. A green monster eats SpongeBob and Squidward, and the bulldozer crushes the monster, sending ashes everywhere. Squidward groans.]
• SpongeBob: [shrugging] Meh.
• [Bubble transition to sunset. Both Squidward and SpongeBob are wearing ridiculous outfits.]
• Squidward: Alright, if this doesn't make you remember me [open shot of the Sushi-Maker from "Life Insurance"] then nothing will.
• SpongeBob: [holding a duck and wearing a silly top hat] Nope, it's just not ringing a--
• [SpongeBob gasps as the camera zooms in onto his eyes as several memories of him and Squidward are quickly displayed on them; bell dings.]
• SpongeBob: [whispers] Squidward. [full volume] Squidward, I remember this! I remember you! [shakes ladder] I remember the combination to the safe! [the duck walks away] Hooray, hooray! Hooray-ay-ay!
• Squidward: [on the diving board] Yeah, that's great, just stop shaking the-- [screams as he falls off the diving board and into the tub of boiling lava. He screams and jumps in pain, hits the sideways spring, and bounces into a steel wall]
• SpongeBob: [off-screen] The combination is [Squidward lands on the spiky conveyor belt's lever, which turns on] three impacts to the right. [Squidward lands onto the conveyor belt, which takes him to the rolling wheel with sharp corals on it]
• Squidward: No, no, no, no, no, no. [a flower-shaped roller squashes him] My body.
• SpongeBob: [off-screen] Five punchings to the left. [mechanical boxing gloves punch Squidward from above, making him yell in pain. He melts off the conveyor belt and lands on a shell seat. Four mechanical arms stretch him four ways] Six stretched limbs to the right.
• [The arms squash Squidward into a ball, who is dropped into a SpongeBob-faced cannon, which shoots him through a ring of fire and hits a school bell. He falls to the ground.]
• SpongeBob: [off-screen] And 56 school children to the left. [the school children trample Squidward] No, wait. That's not it. Oh, 57! [a giant orca school kid jumps on Squidward] Oh, Squidward, I remember! I remember!
• Squidward: [weakly] Hooray.
• [Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab. A police car passes by. At the register, Squidward is in a full body cast.]
• SpongeBob: You know, Squidward, there's something else I remembered. Yesterday wasn't our friend-iversary. [the party decorations appear again] It's today!
• Squidward: No. [SpongeBob brings out the same Squidward inflatable] No. Nooo!
• SpongeBob: [sits on top of the inflatable] Happy friend-iversary! Or is it tomorrow? [thinks while he looks at the camera as the episode ends]