This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Mandatory Music" from season 13, which aired on June 26, 2023.

• [The episode opens with a shot of the sun. Jellyfish swim by, and it's a sunny day at a public park. Squidward is standing in a gazebo.]
• Squidward: Attention, everyone! Gather around for a free concert of beautiful music.
• Incidental 6: Oh, a free concert!
• Man #1: Fantastic!
• Man #2: Yaaay!
• [Everyone gathers to watch Squidward.]
• Squidward: And a one, and a two!
• [Squidward starts playing his clarinet, and it sounds awful. Crooked red music notes come out. Cut to a woman fish and a football player covering their ears.]
• Incidental 8: Ugh! Get me out of here, Chad!
• [The football player takes Incidental 8 and inflates himself with his thumb, then floats upwards.]
• Lady Upturn: My ears are offended! [wraps her worm around her head, covers her ears, and walks off]
• [Another man screams as he is kicked by music notes. More people run by, screaming. Finally, they grab Squidward and stop his music.]
• Squidward: [worried] Hey, hey, what's going on? Put me down! Let go of my legs! My clarinet!
• [They throw Squidward into a stop sign. Music notes land next to him. His clarinet hits him in the head. He grabs it and shakes it angrily.]
• Squidward: Philistines!
• [Bubble transition to Squidward continuing to play downtown. He passes a mother with her baby, and the baby starts crying. The mother pauses and then begins crying. Squidward plays past some alley snails, who hiss and attack each other. He passes a gym, where Larry is inside lifting a weight. Larry drops his weight when he hears Squidward's music. Buildings melt and flower clouds wilt. Buildings begin collapsing. Squidward remains playing, his eyes closed.]
• Squidward: One more time!
• [He takes a deep breath and is about to play, but a cop reaches his hand out of a mailbox and sticks it in his mouth.]
• Male cop: Freeze, mister!
• Female cop: [comes out of fire hydrant] Put the clarinet down nice and slow!
• Squidward: [condescending] Who are you supposed to be? The music police?
• Male cop: That's right, fella!
• [They unzip their costumes to reveal a badge with a music symbol, a tuning fork, and band hats.]
• Male cop: And you are in violation of section 4 of the symphony code! [takes out sheet music with "VIOLATION" stamped on it] Reckless playing of a reed instrument!
• Female cop: Your clarinet is officially out of commission! [sticks a cork and lock in it]
• Squidward: What the--!? [tries to play it, but no sound comes out] Hey!
• Male cop: [writes and hands him a ticket] If you want that boot off your clarinet, you'll have to undergo mandatory music re-education!
• Squidward: [reads ticket] Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
• [Bubble transition to the police car arriving outside of Little Flipper Music Academy.]
• Squidward: [reading] "Little Flipper Music Academy"? Oh, no! I am not going to any school for minnows!
• [He is about to step away, but the cops forcibly drag him in. His tentacles snap off the door and he flies into a seat.]
• Squidward: Hey! You can't de-grade me like this!
• Male cop: Yeah, that's what they all say. [his radio goes off]
• Radio policeman: [buzzes] Calling car 38. A drummer missed a beat at the jazz club on Bebop Way.
• Male cop: Let's rock and roll!
• [The two cops take out guitars and run away. Squidward looks around and sees that he is sitting in the front of the class.]
• Squidward: I wouldn't be caught dead sitting in front of this class! [moves his seat to the back row, then smugly] They won't see me back here. [laughs]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: [entering] Good morning, class! Would everyone please turn their chairs around?
• Class: Yes, Mrs. Sturgeon! [moves their chairs to face Squidward]
• Squidward: Huh? What? Oh, for Neptune's sake!
• Mrs. Sturgeon: It looks like we have a new student sitting right up front today! Will you stand and introduce yourself to the class?
• Squidward: [sighs, stands up, and clears throat] My name is Squidward Tentacles and I've been playing clarinet longer than you've all been alive.
• Mrs. Sturgeon: [politely] And why are you here, Mr. Tentacles?
• Squidward: [slightly ashamed] ...because of a court order.
• Fergus: [leaning forward] Court order!?
• Otto: [sing-song] Squidward got a court order!
• Class: [sing-song] Squidward got a court order! [they throw crumpled music sheets at Squidward]
• Squidward: Ow! Hey! Stop it!
• Mrs. Sturgeon: Now, settle down, class!
• [SpongeBob's laughter is heard.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: Oh, yes! We have one more new student joining us today!
• SpongeBob: [enters] Hello! I'm SpongeBob SquarePants, and I'm really looking forward to-- [sees Squidward] ooh, Squidward! I didn't know you were taking this class too!
• [Squidward bangs his head on his desk and sits down.]
• SpongeBob: [sits next to him] Isn't this wonderful? We're musical classmates!
• Squidward: Kill me now.
• [Transition to Mrs. Sturgeon addressing the class.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: To begin, I would like each of you to play your instrument to gauge everyone's skill levels. [sits at a piano] We'll go around the classroom one by one. Fergus, would you start us off?
• [Fergus strums his guitar, but gets his hand caught in it, and the strings wrap around his body.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: Good effort, Fergus! Nelly?
• [Nelly is seated at a drum set. She slams her head against the drums, gets dizzy, and collapses.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: ...Interesting technique. Otto, would you play a little on your keytar?
• Otto: [plays keytar but grips it too hard and breaks it] Oh! [sadly] Hmm...
• Mrs. Sturgeon: Hmm... Definitely room for improvement. [weak laugh] Student SquarePants, would you give us a taste of your musical talents?
• SpongeBob: Soitenly!
• [SpongeBob jumps out of his chair and plays the nose flute in front of the class. He puts on a Pied Piper hat and dances around the classroom. The other classmates get up and dance with him. Squidward's eye twitches and he growls. SpongeBob takes a standing ovation in front of class, and the kids clap. Squidward is chewing on a piece of paper in anger, but forces a smile when SpongeBob takes his seat.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: [clapping] Excellent nose flute technique, Mr. SquarePants! Now it's time for Mr. Tentacles to demonstrate his musical abilities!
• [She wheels in his clarinet, which still has the boot on it. She struggles to unlock it.]
• Squidward: [to SpongeBob, smugly] Now, let me show you how it's really done! [squeezes out bottom of chair]
• SpongeBob: Woooo! Go, Squidward!
• Squidward: [with clarinet] Brace yourselves, for you are about to witness a stroke of pure genius! [plays badly]
• [The students stare in horror. A kid with a beanie flicks his and flies through the ceiling. Fergus's hair stands on end. A girl puts a tuba over her head. Mrs. Sturgeon takes the clarinet away.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: [laughs] It did sound like you had some kind of stroke. [locks clarinet back up] The clarinet might be too advanced for your level, Mr. Tentacles. Perhaps you should try a different instrument? [gives him a harmonica]
• [Squidward plays the harmonica, but it's so shrill that Mrs. Sturgeon quickly takes it back and shakes her head. SpongeBob continues playing his nose flute. Fergus joins on his guitar. Squidward tries to play the pan flute, but blows fire out and it explodes, covering his face in ash.]
• Squidward: Ow.
• [SpongeBob and Fergus continue playing and are joined by Otto. Mrs. Sturgeon gives Squidward a kazoo, which he blows through too hard and gets his mouth and nose caught in. Nelly comes in with a drum set and plays along. Mrs. Sturgeon holds a broom.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: Uh, maybe you should just work on your fingering. [gives him the broom]
• [Squidward, in disbelief, tries grasping onto the broom in different places. He picks it up and blows into it, but no sound comes out. SpongeBob, Fergus, Otto, and Nelly continue playing, with two colored geysers coming up next to them. Squidward strains harder, lighting the broom on fire. Mrs. Sturgeon blasts him with a fire extinguisher, pinning him against the wall.]
• Squidward: That's it! I've had enough of this nonsense!
• [He gets to his clarinet and rips the boot off with his teeth. He plays it, blowing a tornado of music and sour notes that picks up the room's chairs and students. Mrs. Sturgeon struggles against it.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: Must... pull... music... alarm! [pulls alarm]
• [Squidward's music tornado picks up everyone else and pushes them out the door. The music police pull up again.]
• Male cop: [through megaphone] Squidward Tentacles, put down the clarinet before someone's eardrums get hurt!
• Squidward: [opens door and waves clarinet] Come and take it, copper!
• [Squidward keeps playing, and the tornado bursts through the ceiling of the Music Academy, with him floating in it.]
• Female cop: He's getting too powerful! What do we do now?
• Male cop: Send in... [dramatic close-up on face] the Maestro.
• [The truck opens up to show a robot with two eyes and a conductor's wig. Grand, orchestral classical music plays. The robot shoots corks at Squidward. He dodges them, but one lands in his clarinet.]
• Squidward: Huh? [falls]
• Male cop: Fun's over, Bad-thoven!
• Squidward: Hm?
• Male cop: Up top! [high-fives female cop, then puts music note-shaped handcuffs on Squidward]
• Female cop: [throws clarinet in woodchipper] You won't be hurting anyone with this anymore! [picks up chip] Your villainous vibrato days... [snaps chip] are over!
• Squidward: [sad sniffling] I'll never play music again!
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward! You can take up a new hobby! Like... lint sorting! Or... competitive thumb twiddling! Or...
• Squidward: I don't have any thumbs! [cries]
• SpongeBob: Awww. [offers him handkerchief] Go ahead and give it a big blow, buddy.
• [Squidward takes it and blows his nose, creating a loud trumpet sound. Mrs. Sturgeon overhears.]
• Mrs. Sturgeon: [amazed] That sound!
• [Squidward continues playing a trumpet tune with his nose.]
• Male cop: [takes off sunglasses, showing his teary eyes] Positively angelic!
• SpongeBob: [eyes look like music notes, he snaps out of it] Keep going, Squidward! You finally found your instrument! It was right in front of your nose all along! In fact, it was your nose!
• [Squidward blows his nose, creating a loud trumpet noise and spraying ink everywhere. The students and Mrs. Sturgeon are covered in ink, but they smile.]
• Squidward: [laughs] Excuse me.
• Mrs. Sturgeon: I think we can all agree, Mr. Tentacles is the most improved student in the class!
• [The class cheers. Squidward smiles. Bubble transition to Squidward performing another concert, this time with his nose playing. Everyone from his first concert, his classmates, and Mrs. Sturgeon are cheering him on.]
• Man: Encore! Encore!
• [Squidward blows his nose. Everyone takes out their umbrellas to shield themselves from the ink.]
• SpongeBob: Wooo, way to go, Squidward! Encore! Encore!
• [Squidward wipes a tear from his eye and then happily continues playing. The screen irises and cuts off his nose, ending the episode.]
• Squidward: Ow.