This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Hall Monitor" from season 1, which aired on August 28, 1999.

• [The episode begins at Mrs. Puff's Boating School.]
• French Narrator: Mrs. Puff's Boating School. [cut to inside the school] Where diligent students learn the rules of the road.
• Mrs. Puff: Everyone, put down your books, because it's time to pick out the hall monitor of the day! [SpongeBob squeezes his pencil so hard it shoots up into the air] Let's see here. This week's hall monitor will be Bart, Jimmy, no, no, Tina, Ralph, mm... [gasps and shakes nervously] ...SpongeBob...! [SpongeBob moves his desk between two rows] It's Jimmy! Jimmy's the hall monitor.
• Jimmy: Mrs. Puff, I've done it already! [SpongeBob moves his desk closer]
• Mrs. Puff: Ohh... Bill?
• Bill: No way, Mrs. Puff. [SpongeBob moves his desk closer]
• Mrs. Puff: Uhh, Tina, you're the hall monitor.
• Tina: Hey, I've done it 3 times already! [SpongeBob moves up closer]
• Mrs. Puff: B...uh...B-Beth!
• Student: She graduated!
• Mrs. Puff: Henry?! [SpongeBob moves closer] Vera?! [SpongeBob moves closer] Clayton?! [SpongeBob is poking Mrs. Puff with his desk as she sighs] All right, I guess I have no choice. [gulps] The hall monitor of the day is [she sighs] SpongeBob. [SpongeBob launches into the air]
• SpongeBob: Yahoo! Hall monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty, ma'am! I am ready to assume my position... in the hall! I will protect all that are weak... in the hall! All rules will be enforced... in the hall!
• Mrs. Puff: Okay! Just take the hat and belt. [tries handing him the uniform]
• SpongeBob: I can't accept that yet, ma'am. First, I have to make my speech.
• Mrs. Puff: You can't make this easy, can you?
• SpongeBob: Classmates! Who am I to deserve such a great honor? Why, I would be nothing without Mrs. Puff.
• Mrs. Puff: [annoyed] Give me a break.
• SpongeBob: And to my public, all I can say is I'm touched. [sniffs] And furthermore, I will carry out my duties... [clock moves forward in time as SpongeBob continues his speech] ...crime and punishment, punishment and crime in the hall! [at this point, almost everyone is dreary-eyed] Which reminds me of an extremely long speech written by the greatest hall monitor of all time. [takes out a long roll of paper] "Friends, students, juvenile delinquents, lend me your ears." [the clock has disappeared, and it is now much later in the day. Puff is asleep at her desk] In conclusion, and without a moment to spare, I will put on this uniform [takes out the hat and belt] and assume my duties as... [puts on the uniform; deep voice] ...hall monitor! Wish me luck, Mrs. Puff! [walks towards the door then turns around] Oh, and I will be re... [bell rings as all students excitedly run out the door, over SpongeBob]
• Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, are you okay?
• SpongeBob: [muffled] I overdid the speech again, didn't I?
• Mrs. Puff: I'm afraid so.
• SpongeBob: Aww, tartar sauce. I guess I won't be needing this. [takes off the uniform] I hardly knew ya. [gives the uniform to Mrs. Puff and walks away depressed]
• Mrs. Puff: Uhh... SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: [sadly] Yes, Mrs. Puff?
• Mrs. Puff: I can at least let you wear it until tomorrow.
• SpongeBob: A-hoo! [dives into the uniform] Thanks, Mrs. Puff!
• Mrs. Puff: What are the consequences of what I've just done?
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob walking down the street, singing somewhat incomprehensibly. He then notices a broken traffic light.]
• SpongeBob: Broken traffic light! Who's to say my monitor duties should end just because the bell rang? I can be helpful anywhere! This looks like a job for the [deep voice] hall monitor! [directs traffic, with a whistle, to their destination using all sorts of hand gestures, but ends up causing a huge wreck in the end] What would this town do without you, SpongeBob?
• Fred: My legs! My leg...!
• SpongeBob: [singing] On patrol. I'm on patrol. [notices a house with an open window] Uh-oh, an open window. [peeks through the window and there is a couple eating]
• Incidental 12: More seaweed medley, dear?
• SpongeBob: The fools. They've left themselves susceptible to danger. I must show them the error of their ways through example. [jumps through the window and onto their table in a ski mask, screaming as he does so] I'm the open window maniac! [both run out screaming] I hope you learned a valuable lesson! [shuts the window; cut to him walking again] On patrol. I'm on patrol. I'm on patrol... [gasps as he sees a puddle of pink goo on the ground] Vandals! Another crime. [takes his finger and tastes the pink goo] hmm...strawberry! I must act! [more pink goo falls on his head. He looks up and sees Patrick sitting on top of a wall and eating some strawberry ice cream] Patrick... [looks around for the voice he just heard] Patrick... Patrick...
• Patrick: My ice cream! It's alive! [screams and throws away the ice cream]
• SpongeBob: Patrick! Down here!
• Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, it's you. [ice cream cone is on SpongeBob's face]
• SpongeBob: Patrick. Come down here. [Patrick jumps down on top of SpongeBob]
• Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: I'm down here.
• Patrick: Hehe, you look funny! [hops off SpongeBob and pulls him off the ground] Hi, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: That's hall monitor to you! [fixes his shape]
• Patrick: Sorry, officer.
• SpongeBob: Sorry's not good enough, Patrick. You've committed a crime, and I'm taking you in.
• Patrick: What crime? [shows him the ice cream that is on the ground] I'm a bad person! [cries]
• Morty: [high Voice] Extra! Extra! "Maniac strikes Bikini Bottom!" City paralyzed with fear! [gives one to SpongeBob] [Gruff Voice] Take it, friends. Arm yourselves with knowledge. [runs off] [high voice again] Extra! Extra! Maniac strikes Bikini Bottom!
• SpongeBob: [reads paper] "Maniac. Bikini Bottom? Car wrecks? Break-in?". Who better to bring this maniac to justice than me, [deep voice] the hall monitor! But I can't handle this case alone. Patrick, are you ready to give up your life of crime?
• Patrick: [still crying] I wanna be good!
• SpongeBob: Hmmm... now you just need a symbol of authority. [Patrick puts the ice cream cone on his head] Perfect! It is our duty to catch this maniac and bring him to justice! But how to proceed? Listen, deputy, you're an ex-criminal. What would you do?
• Patrick: Hmmm... I'd get an ice cream! [both walk out an ice cream store with ice cream]
• SpongeBob: Okay, now what?
• Patrick: Hmmm... [both come out the ice cream store again with ice cream]
• SpongeBob: This isn't working. [throws his ice cream away] We've got to do something else. Something with walkie-talkies! [takes out two walkie-talkies. Patrick drops his ice cream and happily grabs a walkie-talkie] And now, duty calls! Alright, deputy, I'll go that way, you go some different way! Run ‘em out! [SpongeBob runs off sounding like a siren. The police come driving up and stop beside Patrick]
• Cop 1: Afternoon, son.
• Patrick: Hello, brothers. [salutes to the officers, then raises both eyebrows while pointing to his cone hat]
• Cop 1: Son, we're looking for the maniac.
• Cop 2: Have you seen this man?! [He whips out a poster that says WANTED MANIAC with SpongeBob's picture on it as scary music plays.]
• Patrick: [screams] It's the maniac! Take him away, take him away!
• Cop 1: Calm down, son. It's just a drawing, not the real thing. Now we're gonna show you this picture again, and you tell us if you've seen this guy. Understand?
• Patrick: Yeah, uh-huh.
• Cop 1: Okay. [Cop 2 shows Patrick the poster again]
• Patrick: [screams] Horrible!
• [Cop 2 removes the poster, bemused. He holds up the poster again. Patrick screams again. Both cops then look at each other and smile slyly. Cop 2 repeatedly shows and takes away the poster as Patrick screams every single time. Eventually, the cops decide they've had enough fun.]
• Cop 1: Stay indoors, son.
• Cop 2: And, uhh, take that cone off your head. [both laugh as they drive off]
• Patrick: [takes out walkie-talkie] SpongeBob? Come in, SpongeBob. Answer!
• SpongeBob: SpongeBob here, Patrick. Report.
• Patrick: [over walkie-talkie] I don't wanna be a policeman anymore. I'm scared!
• SpongeBob: Get a hold of yourself, deputy.
• Patrick: [over walkie-talkie, sobbing] I wanna go home!
• SpongeBob: [sighs] Poor rookie. Alright, I'm on my way back.
• Patrick: Hurry, SpongeBob, I think it's getting... [the bright sky suddenly becomes...] ...dark.
• SpongeBob: Just put on your siren, I'll be right there.
• Patrick: [imitates siren] Wee-woo. Wee-woo. Wee-woo. Wee-woo. [Patrick picks up the poster that the officers showed him earlier. Then sees a darkish figure down the road. It's SpongeBob, but Patrick doesn't realize it; Patrick gasps loudly] Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! SpongeBob! I see him!
• SpongeBob: [over walkie-talkie] Where is he, Patrick?
• Patrick: [over walkie-talkie] At the intersection of Conch and Coral. [SpongeBob turns his head around to read the street sign that says Conch Street and Coral Avenue]
• SpongeBob: That's where I am! He's right on top of me, but I can't see him! What's he doing?
• Patrick: Uhh, he's just standing there...menacingly! [screams over walkie-talkie] Get out of there, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob screams] That's his maniac shriek! He's going to attack! [SpongeBob cries while running around in circles] He's acting all crazy! Run! Uh, hide behind that building! [SpongeBob hides behind the building] No, he's behind that building! Oh, quick, hide behind that street sign! [SpongeBob hides behind the street sign] No wait! The maniac just went behind that sign! Oh, oh quick! Get under the streetlight! [SpongeBob gets under the streetlights] No wait, agh, he's there, too! Run for your life! [SpongeBob jumps inside a mailbox. As he tries to relax, the radio is cutting out]
• SpongeBob: [over walkie-talkie] Say again, deputy?
• Patrick: The maniac's in the mailbox! [SpongeBob screams and bursts his arms and legs through the mailbox. He alternates between screaming and crazily jabbering as he runs through four buildings, causing them to topple over and eventually crashes through a fence plastered with wanted posters]
• SpongeBob: [takes a look at a wanted poster] Huh, this guy's not half-bad-looking for a maniac. Wait a minute, Patrick, I'm the maniac! [Patrick screams in the background, as the same scary music from earlier plays again. Four police cars and several policemen surround SpongeBob]
• Cop 1: We'll take that as a confession. [Mrs. Puff appears]
• Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob SquarePants, there you are! I turn my back on you for one minute and you destroy half the city! You should be ashamed of yourself! [SpongeBob slumps sadly at these words]
• Cop 1: You know this guy?
• Mrs. Puff: Of course I do. I'm the one who gave him the uniform in the first place. He's my responsibility. [the cops glare at her] Uh-oh...
• [Bubble transition to the next morning at the boating school where the whole class, except SpongeBob, is sleeping. Mrs. Puff is teaching class from jail through the TV]
• Mrs. Puff: And in conclusion, students: red means stop, green means go. [to SpongeBob disappointedly] And SpongeBob...
• SpongeBob: [frowns nervously] Yes, Mrs. Puff?
• Mrs. Puff: I'd like to see you after class-- 6 months from now! [jail closure sound as the episode ends]