This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pickles" from season 1, which aired on August 21, 1999.

• [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab with an exterior shot. Cuts to an interior shot of Squidward taking an order for Incidental 31.]
• Squidward: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. My name is Squidward. May I take your order?
• Incidental 31: Hmmm... uhh... oh, I'll have a, uh... [Squidward takes out a pencil and a paper] ...no. [Squidward puts the pencil and the paper away] Oh, maybe... [Squidward takes out the pencil and the paper again] ...no. [Squidward puts the pencil and the paper away again] Hmmm... I'll have... [Squidward takes out the pencil and the paper again] ...no. Or maybe...
• Squidward: Are you planning on ordering today, sir?
• Incidental 31: I'll have a... Krabby Patty.
• Squidward: [writing down the order] How original.
• Incidental 31: And with extra onions.
• Squidward: Daring today, aren't we? [takes the order and shows it to SpongeBob] One Krabby Patty, extra onions.
• [SpongeBob takes the piece of paper and puts it with the rest of the orders.]
• SpongeBob: One cryin' Johnny comin' up! [cracks his knuckles, then adds each ingredient as mentioned] First bun, then patty, followed by ketchup, mustard, pickles, extra onions, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and bun, in that order. One cryin' Johnny! Up! [rings the bell]
• Squidward: Whatever. [Incidental 5 comes up and tells him what he wants and Squidward relays the order to SpongeBob] Twelve Krabby Patties on wheat buns! [SpongeBob takes a plate and patties begin to appear on the plate]
• SpongeBob: [at rapid speed] Bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun. [at normal speed] One dozen cryin' cows on the farm! Up! [Squidward takes the plate]
• Squidward: Thanks, Farmer Brown. [gives the plate to Incidental 5] It's been a thrill serving you.
• Incidental 5: Can I get some extra salt?
• Squidward: We're all out.
• Incidental 5: Could you check?
• Squidward: No. [John glares at him as he leaves. Bubble Bass walks up to order] Let me guess, tiny, a small salad?
• Bubble Bass: [Squidward starts to write it down] I'll take a Double Triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal-style, extra shingles [Squidward stops writing and looks at him] with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim. [Squidward gives up writing all of it down and still looks at Bubble Bass]
• Squidward: We serve food here, sir.
• SpongeBob: [with the order done] I got it already, Squidward. [gasps upon seeing Bubble Bass] Bubble Bass!
• Bubble Bass: [pushes Squidward away] SquarePants! [walks up to SpongeBob] I hear talk you make a mean Krabby Patty.
• SpongeBob: [staring at Bubble Bass] Yep. I hear talk you're kinda picky.
• Bubble Bass: Yep.
• SpongeBob: Well then... here ya go! [Bubble Bass takes the plate and sits down where he examines the Krabby Patty until he decides to take a bite] Well, Bubble Bass, whaddaya think?
• Bubble Bass: This is pretty good. Only one thing. You forgot the pickles! [shows no pickles on the patty. The crowd gasps]
• SpongeBob: No!
• Bubble Bass: The best there is? I don't think so. You lose! [laughs]
• SpongeBob: [checks the patty for pickles] But, the pickles should be right where they always are. I know I put them on! [the customers are disappointed. SpongeBob tears the patty apart, searching for the pickles] Where are those pickles? Pickles? Pickles? Pickles? [Bubble Bass walks up to Mr. Krabs, and throws Squidward out of the way again]
• Bubble Bass: I believe you owe me two bucks.
• Mr. Krabs: Two bucks?!
• Bubble Bass: Your guarantee. [points to the menu where in tiny print it says 'money back guarantee']
• Mr. Krabs: Oh. That. Well, can't we talk about this? [takes out two dollars and Bubble Bass grabs it]
• Bubble Bass: No.
• Mr. Krabs: [pulls the money back] How about a discount on restroom tokens? [Bubble Bass takes the money]
• Bubble Bass: Afraid not.
• Mr. Krabs: How's about a [Bubble Bass starts walking away but Mr. Krabs holds onto his dollar] free glass of water? A dozen free glasses of water! I'll even put ice in it! [Bubble Bass walks out the Krusty Krab with the money] No! Come back! Two dollars! [sobs] Two dollars, no! No! [walks over to SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I know I put pickles on that Krabby Patty.
• Mr. Krabs: [grabs SpongeBob] That two bucks is comin' out of your paycheck! [SpongeBob tries to hang onto the floor]
• SpongeBob: Wait! Wait! Wait! [Mr. Krabs throws him into the kitchen]
• Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, we got orders waitin'!
• Squidward: I need a Krabby Patty.
• SpongeBob: [pants] Okay, I am not gonna blow it this time. Let's see. Bun down. Then ketchup, then mustard, then... pickles? No, that's not right! [starts a new patty] Bun down. Mustard, then ketchup, lettuce, then the... pickles? No. [tries again] Mustard down, bun soft down, d'oh, where's the patty go? [tries again and uses the same bun] Pickles, ketchup, wait! D'oh, think! Think! I'm losin' it! [tries again] Bun down, shoe, mustard, pan, bun... no! [Mr. Krabs comes in] Mr. Krabs, I am so confused! I can't remember how to do anything.
• Mr. Krabs: Why don't you take the rest of the day off?
• SpongeBob: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. Who will make the Krabby Patties?
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't worry about that. We've got Squidward!
• Squidward: Huh? What? [SpongeBob walks out and tries to leave]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs is right. I need to get my head straight. Now is it bun, patty, ketchup... [looks up and notices the door is not there] The door! The door! Mr. Krabs, the front door is missing! [the door is heard opening; pan to Mr. Krabs next to the open door a couple feet away] Oh. [laughs] Sorry about that, Mr. Krabs. This pickle thing has got my head all messed up. I better get on home and rest my brain. [walks out, but walks back in] Uhh, which way do I live? [Mr. Krabs points the path] Of course. [laughs, and closes the door]
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is trying to write down the formula.]
• SpongeBob: No, no! Was it bun, patty, bun... Let's see, tomato, pickle, bun? No. Bun? No. Bun? No shoe. [throws the paper and pencil away] I am so confused! Maybe a good night's sleep will help me get my head on straight.
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's bedroom that night.]
• SpongeBob: Oh... was it mattress, mattress, sheets, pillow, then... SpongeBob? Or... [hits his head with his fist] D'oh... think, Sponge! Oh yeah! It was mattress, SpongeBob, mattress, then sheets, pillow. [gets in between the two mattresses] Good night, Gary.
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Aw, this isn't right. [slips out and stands upside-down on his bed] Good night, Gary.
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Wait, this isn't right either. [lays down on his back] Nope. [he is between each railing of the ladder] Uh-uh. [tries sleeping with a mattress over his head] Negative. [tries sleeping on the ground next to his mattresses] C'mon, c'mon! Get it right. [tries in the lifesaver] Wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Nope! Naw! Negatory! Nyet! [keeps doing the wrong things as the clock fast-forwards to morning and the rooster crows where the alarm goes off. SpongeBob is now under his bed] Aww, I almost had it! [walks over to the clock with a five o' clock shadow on his face] Alarm clock... D'oh, how do I turn this thing off? Think, think, think, think!
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Gary! [picks up Gary and shoves him in the foghorn alarm with dolphin noise where it is still going off with a squeak]
• [Bubble transition back to the Krusty Krab, where there is black smoke coming from the kitchen. Squidward wearing a cooking apron coughs loudly, and clears the smoke off with a fire extinguisher.]
• Squidward: Patties are done. [Mr. Krabs notices black, burnt patties and gets irritated]
• Mr. Krabs: Urrgh! [turns backwards from the counter after hearing customers starting to complain]
• Incidental 30: Hey, he burnt my Krabby Patty. [his patty is burnt]
• Incidental 63: He burnt my fries. [the burnt fries are piled up]
• Incidental 65: [briefly drinks his burnt shake] He burnt my shake.
• All customers: [all yelling and mumbling]
• Mr. Krabs: No! Come back! [sobs] No! No! Arrgh... I gotta get SpongeBob back!
• [Bubble transition back to SpongeBob's house. A toaster is hanging on the front door.]
• Mr. Krabs: [opens the door] SpongeBob?
• [The music playing in reverse; the house is a total disaster as everything is misplaced and things are everywhere and opposite.]
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: [walks into view backwards and is wearing a pair of underwear backwards over his head] Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do? (Hello, Mr. Krabs. How do you do?)
• Mr. Krabs: Why you talkin' funny, lad? [takes the underwear off SpongeBob's head]
• SpongeBob: I anything can't do right since because pickles. (Because I can't do anything right since pickles.)
• Mr. Krabs: Nonsense, you'll be back makin' Krabby Patties like your old self in no time.
• SpongeBob: I think don't ready back to go to work, Mr. Krabs. (I don't think I'm ready to go back to work, Mr. Krabs.) [walks off]
• Mr. Krabs: But you're fine, me boy! [SpongeBob walks right through the wooden kitchen door] Ooh... uhh, well... maybe not. [walks into the kitchen where SpongeBob is nailing a piece of bread to the table] All we need to do is get your confidence back. So you can make me more money- I-I-I mean, uh, patties. [chuckles]
• SpongeBob: I how do that? (How do I do that?)
• Mr. Krabs: It's like riding a bike. You never forget! [notices a bike in a boiling pot of water on the stove] Uhh... um... I'm gonna help ya.
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs sitting on the floor in SpongeBob's living room.]
• Mr. Krabs: If you learn to make a Krabby Patty again, your life will be back in order. [takes out a blanket with all the ingredients on it]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I don't know if I --
• Mr. Krabs: Take your time.
• SpongeBob looks down at the condiments, thinks of the Krabby Patty formula. It soon turns to night then day again. SpongeBob reaches for a bun and Mr. Krabs gets excited. SpongeBob puts bun back down.]
• SpongeBob: No, no, no, no, no. [day becomes night again. Then day again and then night again. Mr. Krabs is sleeping until SpongeBob wakes him up] I got it! I got it! It's all very clear to me now, Mr. Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: It is?
• SpongeBob: Yes! I finally realize that [angrily] I can't do it! I can't do it, Mr. Krabs! I'm a failure!
• Mr. Krabs: Don't talk like that!
• SpongeBob: Don't you get it, you crustaceous cheapskate?! I can't make a Double Krabby Patty with the works! [makes the patty as he tells Mr. Krabs the ingredients] I can't put a patty on a bun, with lettuce, cheese, onions, tomatoes, ketchup, mustard, pickles, and top bun together in that order! [realizes that he just put the patty together in the right order, which makes Mr. Krabs smirk]
• Mr. Krabs: [narrows his eyes in determination] It's time.
• [The scene cuts to the interior of the Krusty Krab, with black smoke continuing to spread from the kitchen through the order window. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob walk back there. He rescues a burnt Squidward from the kitchen and sprays him with a fire extinguisher.]
• Incidental 70: Hey-hey, SpongeBob's back! [customers are cheering]
• Customers: SpongeBob? Aw, the old chef.
• Bubble Bass: [enters the restaurant, shoving the large crowd of people out of his way in the process] I hear SquarePants is back. [SpongeBob opens the kitchen door]
• SpongeBob: I'm right here, Bubble Bass.
• Bubble Bass: I thought I ran you out of town. [spits a loogie into a bucket]
• SpongeBob: This is where I belong. [holds up some bubbles and blows one. Bubble Bass gives a weird sounding roar] Rawr.
• [The crowd gasps. SpongeBob and Bubble Bass glare at each other, while Mr. Krabs is sweating with anticipation.]
• Bubble Bass: Give me the regular, and this time, don't forget the pickles!
• SpongeBob: [rushes into the kitchen and comes back with a Krabby Patty in the blink of an eye] I didn't.
• [Mr. Krabs is violently sweating as Bubble Bass examines and eats the patty. It also cuts to the crowd, then Squidward, then SpongeBob, who smiles confidently. Bubble Bass stops eating, then...]
• Bubble Bass: Hmm... Still no pickles! [SpongeBob notices, shocked] See? [sticks out his tongue with all the chewed up food on it. Everyone is disgusted at the sight of it while SpongeBob is upset] You failed again, SpongeBob LoserPants!
• [Bubble Bass laughs hysterically; the camera zooms in on his mouth showing his tongue tucked behind his teeth. SpongeBob notices and stares at it for a minute, realizing something.]
• SpongeBob: Wait a minute! [grabs Bubble Bass' tongue and pulls it out] Look! [shows four pickle slices under Bubble Bass' tongue] He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!
• Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time, too!
• Judy: And there's my car keys! [everyone walks up to Bubble Bass, all glaring at him]
• Bubble Bass: And... there's my ride! [rushes out of the Krusty Krab huffing and panting]
• Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for the return of our master fry cook, SpongeBob! Hip hip...
• All: Hooray!
• Squidward: Hooray.
• Mr. Krabs: Hip hip...
• All: Hooray!
• Squidward: Whoop-de-doo.
• Mr. Krabs: Hip hip...
• All: Hooray!
• Squidward: Oh, boy.
• SpongeBob: And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place when I was gone: Squidward! [Squidward smiles] Hip hip...
• All: Boo! [Squidward is shocked and frowns. The frown becomes more droopier with each "Boo"]
• SpongeBob: Hip hip...
• All: Boo! [cuts to an outside shot of the Krusty Krab]
• SpongeBob: Hip hip...
• All: Boo!
• SpongeBob: Hip hip...
• Customer: Boo! You stink! [the episode ends]