This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Karate Choppers" from season 1, which aired on December 31, 1999.

• [The episode begins with SpongeBob lurking around, heading home, looking for Sandy because they are playing karate. He suspects the pineapple of being Sandy.]
• SpongeBob: Hi-yah! Oh, sorry, pineapple house. I thought you were someone else. [walks inside] Ah, what a great day at work. [hears something] Huh? Yeah! [tip toes over to the couch, but makes duck sounds as he tip toes. He realizes he is been stepping on three squeaky toy ducks, and in frustration, he kicks them away. Then he runs in front of his couch] I know you're back there, Sandy. And I also know that nobody can hide from Sponge... [jumps behind the couch and no one is there] ...Bob. [has his back to the couch while he squeezes his eyes through the couch looking for Sandy. When he thinks he has spotted her, he runs out from behind the couch and in front of the TV] I got you now! Hi-yah! [no one is there, so he sits on the couch and watches TV] Well, I guess the coast is clear.
• TV: [shows a royal gramma fish] Yeah, shopping's weird. Did you ever go into the seafood aisle and say "Who eats this stuff"? [TV audience laughs]
• SpongeBob: [laughs too] I love this show! [Sandy is sitting next to SpongeBob, due to the camera zooming out to show her]
• Sandy: Me, too. [SpongeBob screams and begins to fight]
• SpongeBob: Hi-yah! [Sandy puts on her green karate gear]
• Sandy: Hi-yah! [SpongeBob high-kicks in slow-motion]
• SpongeBob: Hi-yah! [Sandy runs off then drives forward, but SpongeBob jumps his upper half of his body to avoid Sandy] Uhh, just a second. [runs off, but returns with his red karate gear on] Safety first. [winks] And now, spin technique. [spins around and lunges towards Sandy]
• Sandy: Hi-yah! Yah. [SpongeBob grabs her hand and spins her around]
• SpongeBob: Double overhand squirrel knot. [turns her into a round knot and throws her through the door like a bowling ball]
• Sandy: I'm gonna get you tomorrow, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: That'll be the day. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. [spins his arms and legs around. The scene fades over to nighttime at Sandy's treedome. Sandy hums while reading a book when the phone rings]
• Sandy: Hello. [SpongeBob's arm tries karate to chop Sandy, but Sandy takes SpongeBob's hand and puts it through the phone to karate himself] Nice try, SpongeBrain. [hangs up phone. Bubble transition to the Barg'N-Mart grocery store, where Sandy is shopping when a box of Kelpo falls. She thinks it's SpongeBob, so she gets in her karate stance] Hah! [notices the box of Kelpo] Heh, silly me. [But when she walks a few more steps, SpongeBob is there in his karate gear]
• SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, have you ever heard the one about the squirrel and the tin cans?
• Sandy: I don't think so.
• SpongeBob: Well, it goes like this. [stretches his arm to ricochet off a shelf and the ceiling to come at Sandy] Oh, wait, I forgot the punch line. [his arm stops right before hitting Sandy] Oh, yeah. [hits the loose board on the floor, sending Sandy into a pile of tin cans. He laughs] That's a good one, isn't it? [bubble transition to SpongeBob walking down the road] What a beautiful day. Beautiful sky, beautiful plants. Hi, plants. Beautiful... [see a pile of tin cans on the ground] ...pile of cans. Mmm-mmm. Sandy, that is your worst disguise yet. [puts on karate gear]
• Sandy: No it's not, SpongeBob. [shows him a squirrel mask] This is. [jumps in front of SpongeBob] Now, prepare for a long, merciless whooping. [grabs SpongeBob's tongue, stretches it out, and takes out a bottle of Volcano Sauce] Mmm, mmm. My favorite.
• [SpongeBob whimpers in fear as a drop of hot sauce hangs over the edge of the bottle and Tom Kenny's face appears on the drop, laughing evilly. Cut to SpongeBob's confused face, then back to the drop.]
• Volcano Sauce Drop: By the powers of naughtiness, I command this particular drop of hot sauce to be really, really hot!
• [SpongeBob gasps.]
• SpongeBob: Sandy, wait! [Sandy does] Victory is yours.
• Sandy: [smirks] I knew you'd come to your senses, SpongeBob.
• [Sandy drinks the bottle of hot sauce. While she is doing this, SpongeBob takes out his tongue revealing a label that says "Novelty Toy" and he wraps the fake tongue she was holding around her, strangles her body, and spins her into a tornado.]
• SpongeBob: Yah.
• [Sandy karate chops SpongeBob far away.]
• Sandy: Hi-yah!
• SpongeBob: Curses! [bubble transition. Now at the Krusty Krab, the line is very long]
• Exasperated Customer: Oh, what is going on?
• Fred: With extra cheese, to go.
• Squidward: Three patties, four large oyster skins, on the double, SpongeBob. [SpongeBob is still wearing his karate gear]
• SpongeBob: Oh yeah. Gotcha. [opens a door]
• Squidward: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: What? [karate chops Squidward's face]
• Squidward: I'm going to pretend that didn't happen. [throws two pieces of paper at SpongeBob] Now fill these orders or leave, SpongeBob. We're very busy today. [SpongeBob runs out of the kitchen with a tray of patties in his hands]
• SpongeBob: Order up. [stops as he sees a customer karate chopping a fly. The customer turns into Sandy who is in her gear and winks at SpongeBob]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, now are you gonna... [SpongeBob throws the tray backwards at him, causing the Krabby Patties to land on his head]
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, I was going through some records back in me office and... Huh? So, you got the hairpiece after all.
• SpongeBob: Hi-yah!
• Fred: [under the floor] My leg!
• SpongeBob: Thought you could sneak up on me at work, did you? Well, you can't, ‘cause I'm fast, I'm mean, and I can do this. [does something with his hands] Ssss! [points at Fred, then walks backwards] Took care of her, yes I did. [bumps into a not happy Mr. Krabs and Squidward] Oh, ahoy, sir.
• Mr. Krabs: What was that?
• SpongeBob: But, sir, she snuck up on me. In my own dojo.
• Mr. Krabs: Are you on some new allergy medication, boy?
• SpongeBob: No, sir, just practicing my karate, sir, or kara-tay, as some call it.
• Mr. Krabs: "Kara-tay"? You should be making me money-ay with your spatu-lay. Now get back to work.
• SpongeBob: Ay-ay, capi-tay. Nice hairpiece, Squidward. [walks off. Later, the bubble transitions at closing time, and Squidward is mopping the floor]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, did you get those bathrooms mopped yet? [SpongeBob is staring at his hands]
• SpongeBob: Yes, ma'am, I mean, sir. I mean, boss. I mean, poobah.
• Squidward: [frustrated] Go!
• [SpongeBob walks into the bathroom with a mop and a bucket in his hands. He hears a sneeze, so he opens a door, but nobody is there.]
• SpongeBob: Hah! [opens the next stall door and jumps in it] Sandy! [Mr. Krabs walks out of the stall with SpongeBob in his hand]
• Mr. Krabs: No more.
• SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs... [Mr. Krabs grabs a hold of SpongeBob's mouth]
• Mr. Krabs: Shh! No more of this karate stuff, lad, or you're fired. [lets go of his mouth and walks away]
• SpongeBob: [in high-pitched voice] Fired? [walks out] No more karate? How am I gonna tell Sandy?
• Sandy: Hi-yah! [jumps at SpongeBob and starts karate chopping him]
• SpongeBob: Sandy, wait, I can't! Mr. Krabs said I have to give up karate!
• Sandy: [stops; doesn't believe him] Uh-huh, sure, SpongeBob. [karate chops him again]
• SpongeBob: No, no, really, Sandy! Stop!
• Sandy: [stops; still not believing him] I'm not falling for it, SpongeBob. [karate chops him even more]
• SpongeBob: No, really! Please stop! [cut to inside and Mr. Krabs looks out the window]
• Mr. Krabs: What the...? [walks outside] SpongeBob! [Sandy freezes in shock]
• SpongeBob: [screams] Mr. Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: What did I just get through telling you, lad?
• SpongeBob: [stammers] But I, uhh, she...
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're fired!
• Sandy: Huh?
• SpongeBob: [shudders, in high-pitched voice] Fired? [his face swirls and gets smaller until it is not there anymore, sinking into his face and shuddering]
• Mr. Krabs: Eh?
• Sandy: SpongeBob?
• [SpongeBob shudders and whimpers for about four seconds before his face reappears and he then bursts out crying and runs everywhere.]
• Sandy: W-w-wait! Mr. Krabs, it's not his fault. It-it's mine. He tried to tell me, but... I-I wouldn't listen. [SpongeBob is crying into a cup and drinking his tears. Now he is flipping over and over around Sandy and Mr. Krabs] Give him another chance, please?!
• Mr. Krabs: Hmmm. [grabs SpongeBob as he runs] All right, me boy, I'll give you a second chance. But no more karate! It's poisoning your mind. [sniffs Sandy] Mmm, mammals. [walks off]
• Sandy: Aww, shoot, SpongeBob. I guess you ain't fibbing. [she and SpongeBob sigh] Aww, that game was getting old, anyway. It's not fun anymore. I mean, what's so fun about... [karate chops SpongeBob] ...this?
• SpongeBob: [laughs, then suddenly stops] Nothing! Nothing is fun about that at all.
• Sandy: We can find something to do that's at least nine times as fun.
• SpongeBob: We can? I mean, sure we can. Yeah! Like we can, uh... [picks up a rock] We can squeeze things. [squeezes the rock and drops it] Whoo-hoo! How much fun was that?
• Sandy: Almost some.
• SpongeBob: I know. We can act like plants. [lies on the ground and opens and closes his legs and arms] Photosynthesis. Photosynthesis.
• Sandy: Want to go to the park? [bubble transition to SpongeBob and Sandy in the park. SpongeBob is holding a basket in one hand]
• SpongeBob: Karate sure is dumb.
• Sandy: Yeah, you can say that again.
• SpongeBob: I feel dumb just thinking about it. [puts the basket down and pretends to be Patrick] Duh! I'm stupid. I like karate. Doyeee...
• Sandy: You like what?
• SpongeBob: Not karate.
• Sandy: Ha! I don't even know what that is.
• SpongeBob: Me, too. I don't know what anything is. In fact...
• Fisherman: [casting off his fishing rod] Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
• SpongeBob: [giggles] For a second, that sounded like...
• Sandy: Karate?
• SpongeBob: Right now? I mean... No., what is this karate? [opens up the basket] Uhh, what do you want on your sandwich?
• Sandy: Karate.
• SpongeBob: What did you say?
• Sandy: Uhh, mustard. Mustard. I want mustard on my sandwich. [takes out some bottle of mustard, barnacle loaves and pack of Krabby Patty buns in a picnic basket] There we go. [SpongeBob pulls out some barnacle loaf]
• SpongeBob: How many slices of barnacle loaf do you want?
• Sandy: One. Just one.
• SpongeBob: One for you... [karate chops a slice off]
• Sandy: Hmmm?
• SpongeBob: And one for me! [chops off another slice in slow-motion]
• Sandy: Ohh, uhh, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Hmm?
• Sandy: Maybe just one more. Uhh, I'm kind of hungry.
• [SpongeBob brings out the barnacle loaf again.]
• SpongeBob: Sure thing, Sandy. [lifts up his hand]
• Sandy: SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Yeah?
• Sandy: Do you think, umm... Do you think I could cut this one?
• SpongeBob: Uhh, sure.
• Sandy: Thanks. Hi-yah! [chops one slice] Is that enough?
• SpongeBob: Maybe just one more. Or two.
• Sandy: Or three.
• SpongeBob: Or ten.
• Sandy: Ten, yes, ten! Because we're really hungry!
• SpongeBob: Right!
• Sandy: Right!
• SpongeBob: Right!
• Sandy: Right! [chops off more slices and they fly everywhere]
• SpongeBob: Time for buns! [throws a bunch of buns in the air and chops them in half]
• Sandy: How about some tomatoes?
• SpongeBob: And I'll cut the cheese. [both throw the cheese and tomatoes in the air while chopping them into a bunch of slices that land on the patties]
• Sandy: And, what else should we slice? [SpongeBob grabs more buns]
• SpongeBob: More buns!
• Sandy: [grabs two heads of lettuce] And lettuce!
• SpongeBob and Sandy: Yeah! [both slice up more food to complete their Krabby Patties and one of the buns lands on an earthworm]
• SpongeBob: Phew. Making sandwiches sure is fun. Right, Sandy? [Sandy has a dazed look on her face] Right? I guess I'll eat one now. [reaches for a patty, but Sandy karate chops his arm with her green foam hand]
• Sandy: You're mincemeat.
• SpongeBob: [suddenly in his red karate gear] In your dreams! Hi-yah! [both start to karate and chop each other. The screen fades out then comes back in. The park is now a mess as buns are everywhere and trees, plants and rocks are split into two. Mr. Krabs is walking through the park, carrying an umbrella]
• Mr. Krabs: Huh? What the barnacle...? [everything in the park is chopped in half. Sandy is chopping wood while SpongeBob rests on a rock]
• SpongeBob: Do you think Mr. Krabs ever does karate?
• Mr. Krabs: [clearing his throat to get SpongeBob's attention] Bleuhahugh!
• SpongeBob: [screams] Mr. Krabs! [tries to hold a tree back in one piece] Uhh, hey, Mr. Krabs, how's it going? [holds the rock in one piece] Nice day, huh? [half of the tree falls on SpongeBob's head] Oh, all right, Mr. Krabs, you caught me. But you know what? I just can't help myself. You're just gonna have to fire me.
• Mr. Krabs: Fire you? [grabs a couple Krabby Patties] I got something else in mind.
• [Bubble transition back to the Krusty Krab, and SpongeBob and Sandy are karate chopping up Krabby Patties for the customers. Sandy is chopping up the meat and SpongeBob is chopping up the mustard squeezed in a bottle]
• Sandy: I love karate!
• SpongeBob: I love kara-tay!
• Mr. Krabs: I love money-ay! [looks at the screen and holds some money]
• Squidward: I hate all of you. [the episode ends]